Script Review - The Roomate

K

krish

Well-known member
Hello, Some time back on a separate thready I started a discussion on a script that I am currently working on and got some great feedback in terms of the process. After much self debate wether the script is ready or not here is the script. I don't want to call it 1st or 2nd or 3rd draft because I have been making numerous changes based on the feedback (from friends and family) and besides I will let people give me their feedback and I would know exactly what draft I am on.

couple of disclaimers, this is truly my first attempt at writing anything. Also I want a script that is good enough for a short film but better then most first time films. In other words I will not venture into making this short if I get a collective "Thumbs Down" so there you go..

Finally... I know that people on this forum are some of the most experienced and busy folks but would love to get their feedback. Just give it a try and if you don't like it after say page 3 then drop it.

The link to my script:

http://www.freewebs.com/krisrajan/films.htm Just click on the poster of "The Roommate" . You can also leave feedback on my message board.


Cheers,

-Kris
 
I don't understand the point of the story.

In a lot of films, the ending usually leaves the character with learning a life lesson. The drama from the character comes from the fact that there's something that they need to learn but they don't want to learn.

In this case, it's kind of a series of actions, with a main character who doesn't learn anything. Plus the reasoning for everything is weird. If some dude admitted to breaking in to my apartment, I would not be okay with being his friend. And why does this character show up to begin with? Is Eric stressed out? Is he ill? Does he have problems? And who is Molly, who shows up at the end?

I don't want you to think that any of the problems are a result of a language barrier. While your dialogue could use cleaning up by a native speaker, you need to look at why you're telling this story, what you want to say with it, and why everything is happening. I would recommend, if you're interested in reading, "Story" by Robert McKee. Reading and learning the art of Story will solve a lot of the problems you have in this screenplay.
 
[SIZE=+0]mrWrOmg, thanks for the input. I do appreciate it.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+0]Ok, I am not sure if you were able to get one of the most important point of the story which is the character "Mike" docent exists. Its Eric's imagination.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+0][SIZE=+0]I can understand your point though that without the end it looks like a series of events that take place without any reason but the last sequence is where it is reveled that Mike is imaginary.[/SIZE]

[/SIZE][SIZE=+0]Hopefully that should answer some of your questions like "why you're telling this story, what you want to say with it, and why everything is happening"[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+0]The whole point of the story is that "Eric" is sick and is suffering with mental illness.[/SIZE]

I agree with your point though that the dialogues could be improved.

Thanks,

-Kris
 
Right, I know that "Mike" doesn't exist and is entirely in Eric's imagination. The problem is, we don't get why Eric is sick, why Eric created Mike, and the purpose Mike serves in the film.

For example, in the film "A Beautiful Mind," Russel Crowe's character creates several people in his imagination. But later in the film it's revealed that it's because of problems in his life, and a lot of the film deals with how he copes with coming to terms that they are in his imagination and how to determine reality from his imagination.

In your sense, it's like you're only showing the roomate from ABM. He's there, then he's gone, but we don't know why, we don't know what purpose he serves, and we don't know what's going on with Eric that causes Mike to show up, or why Mike disappears. These are all questions you have to answer (or at least allude to answers to) if you want the script to feel complete to the audience. Otherwise, by the end of the film they're still asking themselves basic questions about the film instead of having enjoyed the film.
 
ok so I thought about creating the reason and subsequent treatment of Eric's illness and you are right it would make a more complete picture if the story deals with these more clearly but I am worried about the length of the film. I want to keep it between 15-20 minutes and thought it would be too long to explain everything. But yes i agree that a little bit of background of his illness would make it a more compelling.

Thanks Again,
 
That's the thing about short films - you need to learn to create a story, tell it well and end it in a satisfying way in only a few minutes.

That's the challenge. And that's why you see so few "great" short films. It's a lot easier to tell a story like this as a feature, but to make it as a short and still tell it exceptionally well is what will cement your skills as a filmmaker.
 
Hey, just read your script, and I have a few suggestions. I agree with mrwrong, you really need to ask yourself what the point of this is. If the point is that Mike is imaginary, I think you really need to go back and reevaluate. The imaginary person, or it was all a dream ending can be very cliche. Thats not to say that it cant work, but if the point of the story is that 'it was all a dream' or 'surprise, he doesnt really exist' then the audience (or at least me) would feel very cheated.

The other thing I think you should look at is conflict. What is the conflict that drives the story? In the beginning it is obviously the two people arriving at the same apartment, which is alright, but thats really just setting up the premise. When you look at what youve written, setting up Mike and Eric living together takes 9 pages of a 15 page script. Thats over half of the time setting up what should be the main dramatic focus of the script, but then afterwards nothing happens. Mike and Eric hang out. They drink beer. They hug. Flowers, rainbows, happiness - no conflict. After that point, I think the audience would start to question why they are watching.

You have a very workable story with some interesting ideas. I think if you examine the relationship of Mike and Eric - why Mike appeared right at that time? why Eric needed to invent somebody etc. then youd have a much stronger piece. Again, some help with dialogue will help as well, but youre off to a good start!
 
Roommate Review

Roommate Review

[SIZE=+0]I would agree with the other comments already posted so I don't want to re-hash all the valid points. It was clear from the script that Mike was imagined. Unfortunately, it was too clear; too predictable. In a short film people are going to guess this as one of the possibilities and if your intention is to have it revealed at the end then the surprise is lost and the story a flop. [/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+0]Instead, I would go back and re-evaluate your main character - his conflict, either with losing his mother, with being "insane," or his relationship with others - like the girl. [/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+0]Granted that this is your first attempt at a short screenplay/story so there is going to be a learning curve. There are a LOT of good books out there which discuss screenplay writing, story telling, etc. find a few. Syd Field is a good one to check out - he speaks a lot to structure (which can also apply to shorts) and character. [SIZE=+0]I would go back and consider doing a character essay to explore the meaning/lesson/issue before you start writing. This will provide better direction as you write.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+0]Also, go back and edit carefully any areas with [/SIZE][SIZE=+0]typos and formatting errors - these further detract from the story. [/SIZE]
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Thanks guys. based on the feedback I have already made some fundamental changes to the plot. Please feel free to download it especially the first 2 pages. I will continue to develop the characters and hopefully arrive at a really good script.

BTW, I did order the Syd Fields book already. Looking forward to reading it this weekend.

Finally, i didnt use any software for this so I guess the inconsistencies are showing. Hoping to get some software soon.

Cheers,

-Krish
 
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