Script I'm working on...

Wonderlick

Wonderlick

Member
Would anyone like to comment or make suggestions on the opening of my script? I realize it's novelistic at the begginning, but subsequent pages do get more vertical. I promise.

Sorry about the formatting. I couldn't import through Celtx.

(I appreciate all the input but script has been removed for personal reasons)


 
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Spend less time talking with the reader. You don't want to joke with them or reference other films, because it pulls them out of the atmosphere of the film. For example:

A security guard stands at the door. But the place doesn't need security. It needs demolition.
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It's not a "joke" per se but you're communicating with the reader. Not good, because that pulls them out of the atmosphere. It should instead read something like "A security guard stands at the door, but the rest of the building looks like it needs demolition." Keep it straightforward.

That's about all I can say, though, since I don't see enough to really make any conclusions about anything other than how you like to structure your sentences.
 
Wonderlick,

The first thing I notice, is one you are already aware of. For screenwriting, it reads far too often like prose. Too many fancy phrases, too much of what characters are thinking, and too much dialogue referenced and not heard.

As for the story and characters, we have little to go on, but they are potentially very cliche and I am afraid your heroine is just going to be one more "hooker with a heart of a gold".

Having said all that, you clearly have a talent for writing, I think you just need to rewrite this a lot tighter and focus on the unique details and moments that best tell your story.

I hope that helps,

Chris
 
Chris Messineo said:
Wonderlick,

The first thing I notice, is one you are already aware of. For screenwriting, it reads far too often like prose. Too many fancy phrases, too much of what characters are thinking, and too much dialogue referenced and not heard.

As for the story and characters, we have little to go on, but they are potentially very cliche and I am afraid your heroine is just going to be one more "hooker with a heart of a gold".

Having said all that, you clearly have a talent for writing, I think you just need to rewrite this a lot tighter and focus on the unique details and moments that best tell your story.

I hope that helps,

Chris
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Thanks Chris, but not to worry, this is not a Cinderella-Pretty Woman story.
I'm still working on the script and I'm one of those types who doesn't like to let the genie out of the bottle. So I hesitatet to post anything else or reveal any more about the story. But just trust me, this hopefully isn't anything formulaic or a trip down a worn out road.

I wanted to post the intro because I realized I was breaking rules with reference to two movies in the opening and several asides. And beyond that if anyone had any curiosity at all about what will happen next, if they were engaged with what's here.

Thanks guys.

:dankk2:
 
Somewhat agree with above

Somewhat agree with above

I did feel I was reading prose, but having been where you are writing about, lived there, wrote there, I think it captured exactly how it feels.

When a Director / producer reads this, hopefully the prose writing will influence the mood of the filming.

I do think you can lose some, like this ...

Electric neon feigning Las Vegas pizazz. But It's not Vegas. It's small, filthy, dismal. A security guard stands at the door. But the place doesn't need security. It needs demolition.

... can be reduced to

Like the underbelly of Las Vegas in need of demolition. A security guard remains proud.

Or something along those lines. Capture the mood, but lose half the words. Save the space for things like ...

EXT. A SQUATTER'S AREA - SUNRISE

Inday trudges through a grim barrio. Stray dogs mingle with naked, dirty children amongst smoldering heaps of garbage. As Inday passes through, she gets an occasional comment from residents. She's known here. It's home.


Are you talking about Smokey Mountain by any chance??

Something like this ...

'Like Kaiser Souse at the end of "Usual Suspects", Inday's slinky, sexualized gate ...'

.. will confuse and lose any reader not familiar with the scene. And never a good idea to get someones mind on another work and let them start comaparing.

Keep us in Inday's world start to finish.

I felt the dialogue is need of some subtext.

A
 
Wonderlick,

I can't disagree with the others. But at the same time, I liked it. I mean, I enjoyed reading it. So many times it seems like scripts are so uncreative. The fact that it read like prose was, in my opinion, a plus. Okay, so maybe it could stand to be a bit more concise. But you clearly have a nice talent. I hope you'll let us read more at some point.

David
 
Wonderlick, just read your script and I agree mostly with the others. I would remove the references to the other movies and make it a little less prose-y. Besides taking us out of the story, it can also alienate readers. What if someone hasnt seen Casablanca or Usual Suspects? However unlikely this may be, there is always the chance that someone won't get your connection, or thinks of the part of those movies youre referencing in a different way than you, and then the metaphor is lost.

As for other suggestions, show us more. Treat the audience like they have no clue about the world you are showing us, because if you are looking to sell the script, there is a great chance the reader wont know about that world. This doesnt mean you need to go off the deep end with detail, but try to flesh it out so that even someone with no knowledge of south eastern asia can pick up (youve done a good job so far, but keep it up).

"we head inside the Bar and get fragments of interaction; But grotesque stuff--par for such a place."

What stuff? Stuff can mean a lot of things. It could be lewd men fondling women, or a group of thugs clubbing some seals. If you want to communicate something (no matter how grotesque), you have to really spell it out. Again, make sure the audience is seeing what you want them to see, dont leave it up to them to hopefully think the same thing you are.

Besides that, as mentioned, its hard to comment on the story etc. without seeing more, but hopefully this helps!
 
As a writer/producer and someone in a position to purchase screenplays, I think your description is terrific, your story starts off at about the right pace (assuming it's a drama) and your dialogue needs work.

The dialogue part is minor, though, and easily fixable with a little attention. For example, when you write such great description and then someone says "You think you're too good for the bar? You'll be back! It's in your blood!" it pulls me out of the story a bit because it feels a little unnatural. If he just said "You'll be back!" with a look of shared history on his face, the actor has something to work with and you've got your point across.

And with "There's a lot there." Just run through it out loud, it sounds a little unnatural. Stuff like that.

I'd stay away from referencing other films unless you really feel it'll add to your writing. And with the way you're able to churn out description, I'm sure you can craft a tight sentence that shows how Inday's walk morphs as she leaves the bar.

Personally, I like the description. It could be a little tighter, but if you're still in the first draft stage it's more than fine.

I would like to note that the "rules" that are so often beaten over the heads of aspiring screenwriters should only be taken seriously to the point of your gut feeling.

** Case in point, a friend of mine (an aspiring screenwriter) brought the first ten pages of a screenplay in to his writing group to see what everyone thought. He told them it was a script he was working on, and they ripped it apart. "You can't do this," "That wouldn't happen," "A producer would have to cut that right away," etc. About fifteen people... they all hated it.

The funny thing was that the script was written by a friend of his (and mine) and had already been SOLD to New Line for $120,000 at the time. But nonetheless, it got ripped to shreds by his peers. :)

So, solicit feedback because much of it will be very helpful, but take it all with a large grain of salt. ;)

Good luck!

Jesse
 
Yes, pleas don't start breaking your writing technique down to anything less. You write like a writer. And be wary of showing people stuff before a solid first draft, it'll only turn out bad. Also, if you're using movie references only as place holders in your mind, then you definitely shouldn't be showing anyone until you've taken them out and have a solid draft.

I'd say take this down and punch out your first draft.

PLEASE don't stop writing like this, man. That line about the naked children and stray dogs is killer.

oh and GATE is GAIT, if you're speaking of her sexualized strut. And words like PEDAGOGIC are probably too obscure for even the average script reader. I would NOT say that you're too prosey, by any means. Compacting it will come when you're ready to hammer a final draft.

As a writer, I really like your writing dude!!! All too often do I read work from other writers that lack this kind of description.
 
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Kholi said:
Y
I'd say take this down and punch out your first draft.
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Thanks for all the supportive words. I think I will take it down. The genie should stay in the bottle until a first draft. Maybe it's just superstitious. I've got about 35 pages so far but I've got one big advantage in that I know the ending--makes it so much easier.

I wish the industry was more tolerant of novelistic approaches to the craft. The screenplay that influenced me was "The Limey" which I felt had a novelistic opening. I guess if you're name is Lem Dobbs you can get away with it. Here, I'll post it...I just love it.
courtesty of Drews-script-orama.

-------------------------------------------------

Wilson's first impression of Los Angeles was blue. He was in
the sky at the time, so it was a curious reversal, looking
down rather than up at the color he had always felt was
nature's finest.

Swimming pools. Hundreds of them. Pockmarking the landscape
like miniature lakes. A flat landscape of straight streets
and square blocks and sparse grass that didn't look quite
green enough.

As far as Wilson could remember, he had only ever seen seven
or eight swimming pools in his entire life and they had been
public ones. Here everyone had their own. Marvellous.

There was the one at the Butlin's holiday camp where he had
enjoyed his last legitimate employment -- as driver of a tour
bus. And there was the one at Crystal Palace he had gone to
once or twice when he was younger. He was most familiar,
though, with the Chelsea Baths as he had lived for some time
in a flat nearby in what he now thought of as his good years
-- before he'd gone grey, went to prison, and found himself in
a plane over a foreign town arriving to avenge the death of
his daughter.

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The industry is very tolerant. But, you have to keep in mind that the script should be concise. I think your approach is totally acceptable, and will definitely catch the eyes of producers and everyone else.

A lot of your description lands in the three line format. And are punchy as hell. You just have to redraft and slice out the needed and uneeded.

I, for one, never show my work until I have a very solid second draft. By the final, all of my prose has been sliced down but it's still a read and not a boring, monotonous lecture.

Keep at it man, and let me know when you finish a solid first draft!!
 
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