Script for short film - Feedback highly appreciated

R

raffnix

Member
Hi,

I wrote a script for a short film I like to shoot this year. As writing is not really my strong suit, I spend a lot of time to squeeze out these four pages. Now, I would like to get some feedback from neutral readers to see if the story and pacing works.

Any feedback is highly appreciated!!! I want to get this right before I dive into this project.

Cheers,
Raphi
 

Attachments

I think this should work out fine. The pacing is about right and this lends itself to use of some interesting shots and techniques. The script itself is a little clunky but that's okay. The dialogue is mostly fine, the action also okay but the action descriptions need some work. In general they are not as clear or succint as they could be, you mix tenses (past/present) in your language and the flow of information is unfocussed to the reader. It doesn't flow well and there are a lot of unnecessary words cluttering it up. This is okay because you are making it yourself. Some tips below will help you streamline your style. You want to make your script as fast reading and flowing as possible to engage the actors that will read it. The key to whittling down is to question with each line, does the actor need to know this? With the content this should be a 2.5 - 3 page script if you're doing it right.

Last thought before the tips - I don't like the title. It doesn't really capture the content at all. Sounds more like a cop show set on the nightshift. Titles are important.


Page 1

The opening description could be more succint.

Helen (40) drives down an unlit country road through corn fields. On the backseat Benjamin (7) plays a video game on a cell phone.

The choice of 'decently dressed' is unclear. Modest (buttoned up to the neck) or expensive? Is it even necessary to describe her clothes if it isn't plot-driven? Her attitude should come through in her dialogue and actions.

The car hits something. Helen hits the brakes. She sits a moment, frozen. The cell emits another low battery warning.

Something bumps against the car doesn't sound very definitive. Describe action clearly and directly. 'The car hits something' or 'something is hit by the car' is far less ambiguous without prematuraly revealing what has been hit. Does the car tumble? Can you do that? It would take something pretty big to make that happen unless the car swerves into a ditch. And then she won't be driving away.


Page 2

Helen gets out and walks slowly to the back of the car. She finds a man (30), motionless, facedown on the asphalt. He wears a black leather jacket, jeans and sneakers and is covered in blood.

The shorter, simpler and focussed a descriptive passage is the easier it reads. 'She finds' describes her action and indicates that we are following her and discovering the body at the same time as her. Clothing descriptions are better taken care of on the first mention of the character.

She bends down and turns him carefully onto his back.

Is this proper first aid? Rolling someone over with a broken back could do a lot of damage. Someone unconscious on their back can easily drown in their own fluids (blood/drool). Are these things she knows? Does she know first aid? Are there reasons this is the correct course of action? Or the correct course of action for her. She doesn't need to know or do the right thing but you should know yourself why she does what she does. If she is stunned by the situation and just doing her best then there are a number of 'wrong things' she could conceivably do. Have you chosen the actions that most illuminate her character?

HELEN
I need my phone now!
I'll be right back, honey!

Helen walks back...

After all that excitement and exclamation points she walks back?! Don't kill the drama. I think she runs back. Or perhaps she can't deal with it and makes the call while standing next to the car, irrationally hoping to somehow avoid returning to the body.

low battery signal

This one annoyed me more each time I saw it. Maybe this is just personal to me. I'd call it 'warning' or 'alarm' rather than 'signal'. Less ambiguous, more dramatic and specific connotations.

The body of the man moves slightly on the ground.

How about 'the man moves slightly' or even 'the man twitches'. Much tighter, much more urgent.

HELEN
s*%t!

With language like that I guess she's not dressed modestly then. Decently dressed must mean designer clothes. Unless this is an intended deviation from her normal character.


Page 3

Helen looks frightened to the car.

Why does the car think she looks frightened? Is she frightened or panicked? Is this present or past tense?

Helen panics. She rushes to the trunk and struggles to open it. She grabs the first aid kit, fumbles the lid and spills the contents onto the road. She feels around in the dark to find the first aid manual, gauze and bandages. She runs back to the man.


page 4

The car drives off. The man’s wallet still lies on the street, opened up. There are several plastic cards inside. In one compartment, there is an organ donor card. In the comment field it says "HIV+".

As there is no light source to reveal the wallet and its contents you will need to reveal it with the cars headlights. Therefore the wallet must have been dropped in front of the car. Even better have her turn around when she says they are going home (turning around symbolic) and reveal the wallets contents as she turns the car around. This would make for a visually dramatic reveal as well.
 
Last edited:
It's interesting, and I think it's good. I think you have huge freedom to direct/DP this in variety of styles, which is great. I would note/suggest a few things regarding the story.

///

BENJAMIN
First time she takes cell away from Benjamin he cries. Why? I would seriously reconsider this. It would make sense to me to make Benjamin angry, or even feared, anything that could add strength to the conflict between mother and him. Also, Benjamin peeks out of the car once man is dragged next to passenger doors. I'd say this is the turning point in Benjamin's emotional arc - once he sees the stranger covered in blood, not the loss of a cellphone. Loss of cellphone could only strengthen the conflict between mother and son and start building the tension. If he starts crying immediately... not sure - but I think you should have a small build before he cries.

It should also be clear that he cries because he's scared, not because his game is taken away from him. (IMO)

CELL PHONE
Another thing - she picks up strangers jacket after she dragged him away. This can be for number of reasons in that situation, but in my viewpoint, first thing she'd need is a cellphone to make contact. With that said, I think you can prolong her cellphone battery life a bit =), she could even reach the operator (wear a bluetooth or something since her hands are busy dragging the man) and just when she thinks things are starting to look good - bam - the phone dies. That would clarify why she's running back to pick up his jacket.

This would also add a bit of drama, she would RUN to pick up his jacket and search through it (hectically!) trying to find a cellphone, an act of desperation. And, since there is a lot of action where no dialogue is spoken (which is all great in itself), having an operator to exchange few lines of dialogue with her wouldn't make your film longer or change a lot. It might also clarify her actions since, what Egg Born Son said, it's very dangerous to move a man you ran over if you don't know what you're doing. Also, if her cellphone would die in the middle of her conversation she would lose that last string of control, left alone with dying man and scared child in the middle of the night on the lonely road.

(I'm projecting! Sorry. But that's just the way I see it.)

You should also make it visually clear why she's not searching through his jeans but instead goes for jacket.

Last thing I believe you need to give something stronger when Benjamin opens the doors the second time. He opened the door already... maybe if he didn't open the doors the first time but only opened the window to see the stranger... I just feel 7 year old should be strongly motivated to open those doors the second time once he already saw a man covered in blood. It didn't work for me.

///

Once you're done and ready for online promotion, do post it here. I'd like to see how it's directed. =)

Good luck!

*I also think title could and should be much stronger. Give it some thought, Nightride doesn't really work in the context of this story.
 
Last edited:
Dear Egg Born Sun and Mile,

thank you sooo much for all your detailed feedback. Most of what you wrote point me to a lot of details that I didn't even think about so far (motivation and consistent of characters in particular situations, proper wording to drive action, logical flaws...). I will need some time to digest all your remarks but I will definitely come back and post an updated version. As my English isn't that great I won't be able to polish the language in this version too much. Which is not critical as everyone else will work with the German version of the script. I just translated it yesterday to be able to post it here. It paid off :)

Once again, you guys are great! The level of detail of both analyzes is impressive and way beyond the feedback I got in other forums.

Raphi
 
raffnix said:
Dear Egg Born Sun and Mile,

thank you sooo much for all your detailed feedback. Most of what you wrote point me to a lot of details that I didn't even think about so far (motivation and consistent of characters in particular situations, proper wording to drive action, logical flaws...). I will need some time to digest all your remarks but I will definitely come back and post an updated version. As my English isn't that great I won't be able to polish the language in this version too much. Which is not critical as everyone else will work with the German version of the script. I just translated it yesterday to be able to post it here. It paid off :)

Once again, you guys are great! The level of detail of both analyzes is impressive and way beyond the feedback I got in other forums.

Raphi
Click to expand...

Posten Sie bitte, die deutsche version...

Es gibt hier ein paar deutschen oder zumindest deutschlesenden.
 
raffnix said:
Hier ist die deutsche Fassung des Skripts. Bin weiterhin dankbar für jedes Feedback.

Gruss,
Raphi
Click to expand...

Thanks... I'll write my comments in English... and these are more on the order of 'format' comments than 'story' comments.

I like to see 'shots' as I'm reading a script. So with that in mind...

When Helen is out of the car, and dealing with the injured man you have several 'long' paragraphs of description.
I would space these out in 'shots', for example...

[scrippet]
Helen schaut erschrocken zu ihrem Auto.

Sie springt auf, öffnet den Kofferraum und holt den Verbandskasten heraus.
Hektisch öffnet sie ihn und holt orientierungslos
Verbandsutensilien heraus.

Der Mann atmet leise mit einem
Röcheln.
[/scrippet]

The other 'formatting' suggestion is in regard to the description of 'where they are'...

[scrippet]
INT. AUTO - NACHT

Helen fährt an einem Schild vorbei auf dem die Distanzen zu den nächsten Orten angezeigt werden. Der nächste Ort liegt 25 Kilometer entfernt.
[/scrippet]

Better (for me...).

[scrippet]
INT. AUTO - NACHT

Helen fährt en einem Schild vorbei.

INSERT SCHILD HEIMISWYL 25 km
BACK TO SCENE

[/scrippet]

The idea in these suggestions is to allow for 'speed reading' to see the movie 'real time' as one reads. "White Space" assists in reading the shots quickly, to maintain the moving picture.

Note: The 'scrippet' seems to not format the 'back to scene' tag correctly... it should be on the left margin like other 'slug lines'.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top