Script for HS Project - Criticism Welcome

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palmdalian

Member
This is the script that I wrote for my Senior Seminar project (a class that I must pass in order to graduate). So far I have only received reviews from people I know, so I was wondering if anyone else wanted to take a look. I'm going to start shooting within a few weeks.

It's extremely short (6 pages). Any comments are welcome.
View attachment Script_dvx.pdf

Thanks
 
Hmmm, got off to an excellent start. Captured my interest. I'd say at page 4 or so for me it became very repetitive. If the voice over were to be done well enough it could definitely work as is. As a story I don't know if it stands on it's own though. Seems more like "hey look I'm different" or hey look I have a mental disorder due to my parents" and that's it. I've never tried to squeeze a story into six pages though, so what do I know. Just my thoughts. Does this piece have a personal connection with you?
 
Thanks for the reply.

STYLZ said:
I'd say at page 4 or so for me it became very repetitive.
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Repetitive in what sense? Do you mean that we already get the point that the kid is messed up, and there are too many examples of this?

STYLZ said:
As a story I don't know if it stands on it's own though. Seems more like "hey look I'm different" or hey look I have a mental disorder due to my parents" and that's it.
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I agree that it isn't really a complete story. When I picture it, I imagine it as an introduction to the character (if it were a full length movie).

STYLZ said:
Does this piece have a personal connection with you?
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Just about everyone that reads it asks that question. Some parts are taken from my life, but most are made up or exaggerated. Don't worry, I'm not going to go on a shooting rampage in the school.
My teacher said I wasn't able to make the video because it was "too graphic." I went to the principal with it, and luckily he approved it. Yay for administrators that understand art.
 
I thought it was pretty good. I agree with a lot of what STYLZ said, but I think my main concern was that it didn't really have closure, if that makes sense. I think you addressed that above, though. Overall it documents what this kid thinks pretty well. I also believe what STYLZ was trying to say by "repetitive" was that by around page four you know most of what you need to know, because from there it is just documents similar thoughts as a teen.

I think it was good, overall, I think it needs to be part of a longer feature, because I don't know if it could thrive by itself. As a writer I can say your style is good and you did a good job of getting your point across. I also think it documents a person in this situation pretty accurately. Keep up the good work!
 
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I thought it was pretty well done. It was not a high concept Hollywood idea, but a good dramatic idea none the less. I thought that you told the story well in a short amount of time. Good and efficient description too. I was able to visualize the story as I read.

It was short but it worked for me. Could the plot and supporting characters be developed in more detail? Sure. I was thinking the only thing I would really elaborate on is the relationship between Young Luke and his parents, but looking at it again, that might take too much steam out of your narrative (as in short film narrative - if this where to be developed into a longer short or a feature, then obviously that relationship would need to be developed in greater detail).

Good luck with the shoot.
 
Hi Palm,

I agree with a number of the comments made, in terms of their critical aspects. But I also agree with the comments that say there is some good potential shown here, especially for being in high school.

My take on everything is that you have developed an interesting character study here, but it could achieve its potential by addressing a couple issues...

The character does come across as a bit of a stereotype emo high schooler that we have seen before. Stereotypical emos can have a tendency to directly speak their mind with respect to their numbness and pain. I would focus on differentiating him somehow...

I also agree that the story could benefit from a sense of "closure." What are the consequences of becoming or not becoming an animal? The story delves into character but does not provide a great deal of plot.

When the word 'repetitive' was used earlier, for me, what it meant was that the character tends to feel the same thing and there is not a great deal of development. He starts out numb and ends up numb, but little is suggested about the cause of his numbness or its consequences (beyond the glimpse of the arguing parents).

Some of the dialogue and voice over tended to be a bit "on the nose" in the sense that the subtext was being spoken. The character was telling us directly how he was feeling with direct words to that effect. "I don't feel much of anything." "I can't love."

For what it is worth, I like to see such things played out with actions so I can see with my own eyes, through his behavior and choices, that he can't love, rather than being told.

I did like several occasions where you did not speak the subtext. Page 4 really stood out. Talking about writing out your will and bequeathing your pogs was definitely much more interesting than if your character had said "I think about death." "I want to die." It intrigued me to read further...

Anyway, especially for a high school project, I think you're off to a great start. The suggestions I'm making are just what would suit my tastes as a filmgoer, so take them with a grain of salt.

Hope filming goes well.
 
Thank you all for your input. I'm excited to incorporate your suggestions into the next draft. I'll make sure to post the video when I am done.
 
Palmdalian-repetitive as in "ok I get it, he's numb, feels nothing, so where do we go from here?" I'd say by halfway through his monologue there wasn't anything left to be said about how he feels that we havn't already understood.
 
Well first off, I think you could tell this story in a minute. Which would be more a challenge and sharpen your story a lot.

This guy had no real defining crisis, unfortunately a lot of us grew up in dysfunctional homes, but fortunately it doesn't turn us into feelingless zombies. I think something a little more definite would have to happen to change that kid that much. (The loss of a sibling, etc etc.)

I want you take this with a grain of salt because as writers we write what we know and what we can wrap our minds around. We write traces of what we've seen and where we have been. We base our characters off of people we met and experiences they've encountered. I recently read some of my earliest writings (between 17-19) and they are very similar to this...except I think you are light years ahead of where I was then.

You're a good writer. But what I have been hinting at this whole time is we, meaning all of have or do, live in this sort of exaggerated reality in high school. The highs are amazingly high and the lows amazingly low. The most significant and defining moments of your life up until now, no matter how earth-shattering they appear, will eventually become a distant memory that merely shaped you as a person and writer.

These angsty characters and voice overs, which I WAS IN LOVE WITH, at your age are appealing to a certain audience but once you taste the real world they, meaning these sort of characters, sort of seem sort of ignorant and one-dimensional.

I apologize if this offends you at all for it is not meant to. I just understand your writing style and where it is heading and trust me I wrote many a script like this and I am telling you what I wish I would have learned then. Try to create a character arc or a third act. We need to see some sort of growth, change, resolution at the end. Otherwise the viewer just feels cheated.

And once again, as far as a writer goes you are very talented and you need to keep it up!
 
You all have gotten me excited about this script again. I've decided that I'm going to film the version that I have now (with a few tweaks) in order to produce it quickly, so I can graduate. After that, I'm going to go back and expand the story much more (develop the other characters, have an actual plot, etc.).
No offense was taken whatsoever. I appreciate being told something constructive instead of the "I liked it" that I got from family members.
Thanks for all of the encouragement and help.
 
palmdalian said:
You all have gotten me excited about this script again. I've decided that I'm going to film the version that I have now (with a few tweaks) in order to produce it quickly, so I can graduate. After that, I'm going to go back and expand the story much more (develop the other characters, have an actual plot, etc.).
No offense was taken whatsoever. I appreciate being told something constructive instead of the "I liked it" that I got from family members.
Thanks for all of the encouragement and help.
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We have a joke about this in our company, Palmdalian, when anyone says of something, "It was good, I liked it," we joke, "What are you my mom? If I wanted that kind of commentary I'd just show this to my parents." That's the problem with asking friends and family, they mean well and care about you, but they don't understand that some actual criticism is for the best and makes the final result better. I'd rather someone tear something I did to shreds with some reasons behind it than say, "It was good. Nice job." Even if the person who tore it to shreds is being ridiculous in my mind and the flaws they point out aren't even there, at least it makes me think a bit. I can't really get much out of "it was good." If I didn't think it was good I wouldn't have shown it to them in the first place, the point is how can it be better? haha.

PS: I like the short, I thought it was nice. If you saw what I made in high school, wow, it was all total crap. Your short is way better than anything I made with my friends, lol.
 
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