Script Feedback - Dysfunction

L

Lt_Col_Wade

Active member
Hey all. I realized that while I’ve posted here, I’ve never put any of my own work up on the chopping block. Therefore, here you go – chop away.

This is a short script based on an idea that I’ve had for awhile, but that I’ve written rather impulsively. It’s the first original piece I’ve written since grad school aps, and that feels mighty nice to get back on my own agenda. (I also miss having a good outlet to have my work critiqued)

The driving idea behind the piece is something that I would like to turn into a feature, but I used this as an exercise for myself. The events aren’t just plucked from what will ultimately be a longer story (in fact, what you read here might not happen at all in the full version), rather I wanted to see if I could convey the same feeling, meaning and theme in a short screenplay that I treated completely seperately from my full outline, both as a writing exercise for myself and to see if I could actually succeed.

I believe in going into a first read rather blind – since that’s how most people reading the script or watching the filmed version will see it, so if you don’t want to know anything else just grab the script (PDF format - its just over 10 pages). If you want to know more before you start, check the post below – otherwise take a look at it afterwards and see how I fared. (do note there are some spoilers below, but I have attempted to keep them to a minimum)

Any feedback would be helpful, I don’t know what the ultimate outcome of this particular script will be – I’d still like to turn it into a feature, but I’d be more than happy with turning this into a nice little short. Still not happy with the title, but oh well.

So have at it and let me know.

http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/20729/1172208183.zip

(PS – this was my first time using Celtx, which I was quite surprised to find very nice – though I was irked by the lack of defined pages while I was writing, unless I missed an option somewhere to turn that on. I ended up importing to Final Draft to convert to a PDF because I was too lazy to sign up, but I will definitely use it again, especially on projects I plan to produce myself – seems like the perfect tool for that)
 
“And there’s plenty of ways to claim his crimes tonight,
And there’s plenty of things to do on his dime.
And there’s plenty of ways to wear his hide tonight,
You’ve got yours and I’ve got mine.”

-Okkervil River ‘So Come Back, I am Waiting’

The theme I was trying to accomplish was heavily influenced by my music choice over the last year or so (mostly Okkervil River and the Drones) - a dark one focusing on perception, abuse and dysfunctionality.

First of all perception. I wanted to capture how very deceptive this notion is – how one persons actions may be deemed absolutely necessary by them, acceptable by another, and heinous by a third. The quote perfectly captures how the crimes of one person have so many different sides, not solely based on right and wrong, but that third parties can still interpret them in many different ways. I tried to accomplish this both in Will and in David, though Will is obviously the focus of the story.

Secondly, abuse, and more specifically how abuse can breed further abuse – whether it be physical abuse like David and Emily, or emotional abuse like Emily and Will’s relationship. I also tried to come full circle with it by including Allison and Devin, who in the end could grow to be just as self-destructive as Emily because of what Will thought was the right action .

Finally dysfunctionality. I wanted to convey how the break down of communication can tear things apart. Emily and Will’s failure to communicate (along with these other issues) leads them down a path where they deal with their issues in separate ways, and when pushed over the edge has tragic consequences. Will’s actions are the result of wanting terribly to fix things, but not knowing how. Though they do care about each other, even through all of this, their relationship is ultimately destroyed.

And there you have it. That’s what I was attempting for anyways. Did I succeed? Up to you. Is it even worth reading? Again up to you. Any feedback is appreciated!
 
Hi, Military guy! Read your piece last night. First of all, I liked the writing and the atmosphere, and appreciated the ideas behind it. Good stuff.
Couple of things. Is Will really meant to be such a childish, useless son-of-a-*****? I think if my bloke reacted to my confiding such a horrible thing to him without even one word of commisseration, I'd heave him bodily out of the car and reverse over him. Twice. To only go for vengeance when his sexual jealousy is aroused makes him seem kind of vile, really, and you certainly don't sympathise with anything he does after that. How about if Emily demonstrated self-destruction in a different way? Especially a more serious way. Cheating on your boyfriend with someone who seems to care about you, especially if your boyf is such a twat as Will is, doesn't seem all that destructive. Being with Will in the first place, however... Also, sorry, but as soon as Emily starts talking about a problem with her step-dad, you know EXACTLY what she's going to say. It's kind of become a cliche ( when in real life, it's more likely to be a brother who abuses, and that's rarely explored in film and TV, and a more interesting power dynamic). Also, what is the mother doing during the attack scene? Why does she only say there's been a break-in when someone is trying to kill her husband? I feel like you've shunted her to the side-lines of the action, when here is a woman with her husband being attacked and her kids in the house, and she just seems to...disappear.
Is the reaction of Will and the Mother their dysfunction manifesting itself? If so, maybe you run the risk of alienating the reader certainly from Will, when you could make him more likeable by changing the trigger for his actions. The reaction of the Mother I feel is just not really feasible emotionally. Is it that she feels David is getting what he deserves? That's not the impression I'm getting...
Anyway, I think you do really have something here, and I'd be interested to see any developments. Thank you for letting me read this. Sorry this is such a hurried reply, but I'm at work and keep getting interrupted.
Z
 
I too was a little dismayed at some of the situations and the choices made by the characters - not in terms of being shocked by their actions - more in being disappointed.

But I shouldn't have started on that note...sorry. I should first say that I think you write dialog very well. And the story has elements that are workable - I just think it needs to be explored a little more.

So here's some things I noted as I read:
This may change your story too much but how about this - in the beginning, Will already knows that she's been abused by her stepdad (though the audience doesn't). Now Will is going to meet his girlfriend's family for the first time. Imagine the mood. His hatred for the stepdad (David), the tension in the room. And the girlfriend's uncomfortableness in the situation. Meanwhile Mom is playing the role of ignoring the obvious - trying to make everything happy - avoiding the obvious tension. Even worse - maybe the stepdad is really friendly and nice! We'd never think that he'd do such a thing. I see an opportunity for a good scene.

Now back in the car - silence between them.

Only to be broken by her frustration with the whole situation. Maybe she wanted Will to hide his hatred more. And he's frustrated too. Here it is revealed to us (the audience) that Will recently (maybe just before they went into the house) found out about the abuse.

Is it necessary to add in another situation - like the cheating episode?
Seems you could drive the plot on the central theme of her abuse. Think of Clarence's deep-seeded anger towards Alabama's pimp in the movie True Romance. Clarence cannot get "the pimp" out of his head. Finally, his imaginary Elvis tells him he has to get "unhaunted" by killing Drexel, the pimp. I could envision some similarities with Will's anger. Show that internal madness.

The ending, as written is entirely too pat. David's comments to Will about his abuse - I didn't really buy it. The Mom's reaction - no good. The situation of Will breaking into the house and going straight to kill David? - Man, surprise us a little more!

There is a story here - but I think you are skirting it.

Thanks for letting me read it and give my opinion.
 
Thanks for the feedback guys, Ive taken it to heart and will likely write a second draft soon. This was really a quickly written project (especially by my standards) and I think it definitely needs more work.

I definitely didnt mean for Will to be such a dislikable character - hes definitely flawed (I hate perfect characters), but hes not meant to be someone who is completely unsympathetic. Ill try to work on that.

On that note, I think I need to play down the cheating thing - it wasn't meant to be as huge an issue as I think it turned into. Emily doesnt cheat because the other guy is that much greater than Will, and Will's actions aren't out of jealousy - I was going more for the breakdown of Will and Emily's relationship causing each of their outlets - Emily's being with another guy on the side and Will's drinking. Will finding out about it serves as the turning point of what sends him on his path, but not out of jealousy - more out of being hit right in the face with how bad things have become, and doing something desperate to try and right them (even though it ends up destroying them).

awgfilm - I like the idea of Will knowing about it to start, as writing a confrontation or revelation about something like that turns out cliche almost every time, and it would create an interesting dynamic. However, the thing I like about including Will finding out during the story is that Emily doesnt really let him in, just lets him know about it, and Will doesnt pry, just accepts it and lets it work on him inside, really encompassing everything thats wrong between them. Maybe I can still work this in with him in the know all along, but it seems tough - Ill work on it.

The mother needs work as well, and work will be done - I think the ideas I want to get across are there (even if not quite developed to the point Id like them right now), but a few more drafts with this input might really fix it. Thanks much for taking the time to read!

Anyone else feel free to chime in, and if anyones interested Ill post it again a few drafts down the line.
 
I also belong to an actors' casting site, and one of our recent 'rants' was about how new male (mostly) writers often seem to think that after the age of 35, say, women cease to have a life. They are never attractive, never fall in love, never scheme, never do anything life-changing/stupid/central to the action. They are often just 'Mom', a symbol of things past or a background necessity in someone else's life. Therefore, unfortunately, they are often quite sketchily written by even experienced screenwriters, and when the story requires them to react, the writers don't know them well enough to make it realistic. So I think you are certainly not alone in this, and I know you'll give it some balls now!! Rooting for you; there's a great piece waiting to get out.
Z
 
Thanks Zahra. It is true that many writers, especially young, arent able to write middle aged womens roles well. In my undergrad program, I talked to an older actress who complained that all the original pieces she acted in were as generic 'mom' roles (exactly how you were saying). Of course its harder to write about things you dont personally know, and I find this true for both older male and female characters, but I give it the old college try - its how we learn after all.

My actions with the mother werent really a result of not knowing how she should act (taking action), but a result of the extremely quick escalation of violence in the scene. I also tried to put myself in her shoes - waking up to find your daughters boyfriend (who you just met hours ago) in your bedroom on top of your husband - I saw the initial reaction more as a 'what the hell is going on?' than a call for action, and by the time she realizes the gravity of the situation its already too late. (you could also read into it further and see it as an inability to act when something bad is happening to someone she loves i.e. Emily and David).

I can see how it appears though, and agree shes too passive in the scene. Im working on the second draft now and will definitely be tweaking that scene. Ive already got some ideas for how to bring this across better without making her seem like a blank space-filling character. Thanks again and once Ive made adequate changes Ill put up a new version!
 
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