Screenplay for class

Hans Moleman

Hans Moleman

Carbonite Member
I have to write an 8 page screenplay for my screenwriting class, and the theme had to be "wrong love" where a character falls in love with someone/thing that they shouldn't.

It's not due for a little while, and I wonder if anyone here would give it a look.

It's a comedy (I hope) called "About a Bear."

About a Bear

SECOND DRAFT
 
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I think it is pretty good. Funny, I will grant you that, although the ending was a little strange for me. I suppose what you are trying to get at is that Terry cannot hide his "bear instincts" and that is why he reacts as such. Overall, well done, but I am curious to know weather the "wrong love" is the fact that Terry is a bear, or that he is gay. Very interesting and unique screenplay.
 
the whole point, at least what I was trying to get at is that people in general (symbolized by the family) often overlook bigger problems and focus on the unimportant things (like being gay instead of worrying that there's a big effing bear in your house)
 
Okay, cool. That's what I figured. In fact, all along, I kept thinking "Their okay that their son's partner is an 8 foot tall bear?"

Very well done, you captured the comedy effort nicely.
 
I was really impressed by it. Great work. I like that it's not laugh out loud, just the whole idea...I mean you just stop for a second and laugh. Nice work.
 
Hans, you have some good stuff here.

Granted it is always a matter of personal taste, but I found a good deal of your work here well-paced, well-timed and well-executed. I liked how some of the dialogue was kept off the nose and relatively subtle (eg. "maybe that's how you pray in Frisco") and I also liked the random throw-ins like the Chicken of the Sea commercial.

I found the first half of the script to be very high pay-off. Everything right up to "F you, Erik" was on point. I honestly felt like the script could end right there and I would have been very satisfied with an excellent piece of sketch comedy.

And you had already got your point across that the family was not seeing the forest for the trees and focusing on a relative non-issue.

The second half of the script was fine, but there was a drop off for me in terms of laughs, subtlety of the dialogue, and viewer pay-off. All of the dialogue and messages you kept "off the nose" became a little more "on the nose" and, while still humorous and interesting, weren't quite at the same level attained in the first 4-5 pages.

I really felt like the remainder of the dialogue was there to set up / lead to the bear attack rather than to be funny and entertaining in their own right. And the bear attack was itself a way of hammering home a point that I thought you had already made very nicely with humor and subtlety.

Anyway, I'm just one guy, but there's my take. I definitely see some good potential here and some good execution already in the works.
 
great abstract idea with a great point.
i agree with armadillo...well put.
The final scene was for those 'a little slow on the uptake' , which I think could be dropped. The sharper the better IMO.

-JT
 
i included the last bits for a few reasons.

1) page count.
2) i tried to include the cliched kind of after-school-special dialogue you always get in "coming out movies" and lull you into thinking that something relevant is being said, then swipe you across the face with the bear attack. kind of fooling the viewer into thinking there's a good message, just to remind them that its an effing bear.
 
Hans Moleman said:
i included the last bits for a few reasons.

1) page count.
2) i tried to include the cliched kind of after-school-special dialogue you always get in "coming out movies" and lull you into thinking that something relevant is being said, then swipe you across the face with the bear attack. kind of fooling the viewer into thinking there's a good message, just to remind them that its an effing bear.
Click to expand...

To me that was really the kicker, the punchline if you will. Because it worked how you wanted: all along you think it's building up to something bigger and then the bear just shows his true colors. I still think it's a great piece!
 
I liked this script. It proves my point that normal bestiality is A-OK. But same sex bestiality... well that's just icky.

But for real though I thought it was really funny.

Although, I didn't really like how Paul and Erik talk loudly about Terry when he sits down on the couch. Wouldn't he hear them?

I think it may be more realistic if they whisper to each other or just make strong eye contact.

Anyways, awesome story, it was definitely unique.
 
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