Rough Draft

L

livelikeriley

Well-known member
Okay, so I finished my rough draft of a screenplay I.ve been working on - it.s only 60 pages and I need it to be around 90 for a full length feature. I need a fresh pair of eyes to look at it - let me know what works, what doesn.t and what I need to add [or in cases take away]. It.s basically the barebones story right now without any subplots etc. added. I would like it if some kind souls [bless your hearts] would read it and let me know what you think. It.s a drama/comedy - the best way to put it in a class would be to tell you to think of a movie like "Hannah and Her Sisters". If you.re more into action movies/drug movies I hold no grudge, but this script won.t really be for you :) please e-mail me at: LiveLikeRiley@gmail.com and I'll send you a copy.

Thanks a million!
Mark.

PS - just got the HVX yesterday and that.s how I plan to shoot this! :)
 
Charli said:
I will comment on the first 10 pages, but only 10. Email me if you need feedback.
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i'm with charli.

You might consider adding another 28 pages, and submitting to zoetrope. good feedback there.
 
If it.s not your thing to read it all, that.s fine, but I.m not really at the stage in my career [read: student] where I can pay someone to look over my script professionaly. Just looking for some friendly feedback.

Mark.
 
You just had two people offer to read your script and now you're whining because were won't finish your UNfinished script? wtf?

If you're script is compelling, I know I'd go beyond 10 pages. Smart money says Charli would do likewise.

I suggest not pissing away any opportunity to get work looked at--never know who might be offering their time. Rumor has it Charli's surname is "Sheen".
 
How did he/she piss away her chances at a read? Sounded like she/he was concerned with having to pay for a read.
 
Are you mad? I certainly wasn.t pissed or whining before - but now you.ve pushed me to that edge. Your first comment [about reading 10 pages] was rude. Plain and simple - if you want to give me some bullshit answer of 'that.s how it is in the industry' etc. you.re missing the point - the point is that I was just looking for a few people interested in reading and commenting on the script - letting me know how the structure was, and what they thought was missing etc. - If you don.t want to do that, I.m not forcing it on you, and I.ve already had a few people e.mail me to do just this. I.m not saying these people are better than you, or even better writers than you. I.m just saying that your response was short, snide and unnecessary. I.m a student and don.t need to jump at the opportunity to get work read - I.m not trying for anything other than a fresh set of eyes. If you didn.t want to offer that, I hold nothing against you - but now you.re just being silly.
 
so I'll stay out of the fray and say that 60 pages is where alot of people get stuck. It seems like 40-60 pages is where writers block sets in and it gets hard to connect the dots. Writing the second act is a good book to read just to be able to critic your own work within the context of the three act structure, so is the book screenplay both by the same author. Just a tip, it's helped me with my work in the past.
 
The first page is enough to see "how" the screenwriter puts things together.
The next nine will show if the story has structure, plot, etc. You don't need to
eat the entire box of cereal to know if the cereal is any good. Also, if you
fix the problems in the first act, everything else follows.
 
Charli said:
The first page is enough to see "how" the screenwriter puts things together.
The next nine will show if the story has structure, plot, etc. You don't need to
eat the entire box of cereal to know if the cereal is any good. Also, if you
fix the problems in the first act, everything else follows.
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Huh. I learned that it was actually the second Act where people get stuck, not the first. Simply because the characters might cease to move, or nothing new is happening. Found that to be true and have read people like John August say the exact same thing.

Even readers doing coverage for producers read more than the first 10 pages. That being said, 60 pages means it needs to be either sliced in half, or the writer needs to do some character searching immediately.
 
livelikeriley said:
Your first comment [about reading 10 pages] was rude. Plain and simple - if you want to give me some bullshi*y.
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See what I mean Kholi?

tsk tsk tsk. Petulant already...

The dude can't even write a properly formatted post here--shows up with an unfinished screenplay asking for us to essentially finish it for him--tell him what needs to be "Added" etc. Then gets bent when he can't get the amount of handholding he wants.

btw, lots of readers never make it past the 10th page. That's the unofficial line of demarkation between scripts that are working and those that aren't.
 
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the "10 pages" assertion strikes me as presumptious and insulting from screenwriters putting a premature emphasis on formal technique. i'll read your sixty pages, livelikeriley. and then i'll give you some questions to think about as you continue to develop this story. this is not the time to be worried about structure, or even character motivation; let alone how punchy your first ten pages are.
 
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Zak Forsman said:
the "10 pages" assertion strikes me as presumptious and insulting from screenwriters hung up on formal technique..
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Call it what you want. It's the way the game is played. Sorry to break it to you.
 
brianluce said:
See what I mean Kholi?

tsk tsk tsk. Petulant already...

The dude can't even write a properly formatted post here--shows up with an unfinished screenplay asking for us to essentially finish it for him--tell him what needs to be "Added" etc. Then gets bent when he can't get the amount of handholding he wants.

btw, lots of readers never make it past the 10th page. That's the unofficial line of demarkation between scripts that are working and those that aren't.
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The response was in response to your non-sensical reply. You MIGHT be the only one that saw this person taking offense to something. They didn't ask anyone to finish the screenplay for them. He/She asked for FEEDBACK as a student. I would've gotten "bent" as well if someone blew my response way out of context.

Where on earth did this person ask for anyone to finish the screenplay?

Call it what you want. It's the way the game is played. Sorry to break it to you.
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Are you a reader doing coverage on scripts for a producer?
 
brianluce said:
Call it what you want. It's the way the game is played. Sorry to break it to you.
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the game? the business? are you a "player" in "the industry"?
rotflmao.gif
this only demonstrates a complete apathy toward actual storytelling. admittedly, i don.t know who you are, and you clearly don.t know who you.re talking to. so we'll leave it at that.


btw, periods for apostrophies is the latest formal trend in screenwriting. sorry to break it to you. :)
 
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I just asked him that question. Sounds like he's an authority on screenwriting, as he's always posting "facts" in this sub-forum. In some regards, I understand the "send me the first ten pages approach", but that's from people seeking to produce. Someone who wants to offer constructive criticism and coverage, or consultation, does not request the first ten pages of a script.
 
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Kholi said:
Are you a reader doing coverage on scripts for a producer?
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I have been in the past. Not currently and hopefully never again.

I'm not pulling this stuff out of a hat Koli...

Also, who is being presumptuous here?
"You MIGHT be the only one that saw this person taking offense to something."
 
Kholi said:
I just asked him that question. Sounds like he's an authority on screenwriting, as he's always posting "facts" in this sub-forum. I.
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Actually usually what I do here is refute or temper alleged facts others post here. This sub forum consistently propagates misinformation which is a disservice to all. I've never come in here bragging about credits and awards as others have done.

Pigeon hole youself koli, not me.
 
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