Rough Draft of Short Mocumentery for Critique

STYLZ

STYLZ

Well-known member
Rough Draft meant to be first part of miniepisodes. Short mocumentery style. Would require excellent comedic improv actors. 12 pages. Give a read if you aren't ADD affected.

Two roomates/friends attempt to become talent agents.

I need to know what you think works and doesn't work. Thanks.

http://www.dvxuser6.com/uploaded/7995/1204073011.zip

Some updates
 
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I will take "I got through the first page or two and got bored" anything is better than nothing. BrianLuce where you at.
 
Nice script. Some of this criticism will depend on your intentions with the script (how many people and who will be reading it). Understandably, the dialogue may be temporary, or intended to be ad-libbed to an extent, so areas like the beginning where you just mention that they are 'discussing something' isnt too big of an issue. But certain other areas where you are too vague are.

You mention that we see their failure 'unfold a few times at different agencies'. It would be important to spell out exactly how many times we see this and any details involved, as it will have an impact on the crew in terms of budgeting, scheduling, locations and time.

A few times you refer to characters by different names. For example, the Head Talent Agent is referred to as that, but also as Dennis on at least one occaision. (also, at the end of that scene, why does he leave his own office instead of telling Benny and Jake to get out) On the bus, you dont properly introduce (capitalize and any details) on the bum.

In the pizza shop, the stage directions are very confusing. Again, you refer to the people in line both by actual names and by generic names (black woman and white man). You also make it sound like Laquesha is in front of the line, but then the white man goes first. And then you mention a second character who is never introduced and then has a line. I found the entire scene very hard to follow and also didnt get why they were repeating Laqueshas lines and asking her questions that she had already answered (if it was a joke, I just didnt get it).

Other than these formatting things, the biggest issue I have is with the structure. Your plot is very well wrapped up at the end and functions very well as a self-contained story. Thats fine for a short film, but if you plan this as a series of miniepisodes, youve just proverbially shot yourself in the foot. There is no reason to keep watching after this story. Theres no hook, no plot left to develop.

If you plan on using this talent agency plot in recurring episodes, you need to give at least a glimmer of hope or have Benny and Jake state their desire to keep trying. As it stands, theyve failed and it doesnt seem like they will try again.

Finally, I didnt get the importance of Benny hyperventilating/having a heart attack. It seemed like that might send the plot in another direction (and seemed quite serious from the language used and the plea to call 911), but then it is forgotten in the next scene and the story ends. I personally dont think you need that, but if you want to include it, give it some consequences - have it do something to the plot/overall story, or change the characters/situation in some way.

Youve got a good story here. Most of the things I pointed out are just for clarity when others are reading your script. With a little work I think you could have the start to an entertaining, fun script.
 
Jimminey christmas, thanks a bunch. I will correct those mistakes. This is a rough draft and you just helped me make a better draft.

As far as another episode I was thinking of having the Head Talent Agent contact these guys because he saw the stunt on TV and decided these guys are worth giving a shot and go from there. Do you think I should of left off on that?

As far as the different agencies montage the crew on this regardless would be 2 or 3, real guerrilla. So the crew would shoot these guys going into and out of office looking buildings a few times(5 or six maybe) and the editor would use as many as he saw fit.

The Benny hyperventilating was meant to be another part of his spastic nature which I didn't get across well enough. So thats something I will work on too, I want him to be a big spas.

Thanks a lot for that review, thats exactly what I needed.
 
Take this however. But I just feel it could have been more real. Mocumenterys normally have a very dry humor that prevails to make the movie seem both real and funny. Little one liners, things happening that the characters don't know how to really react except awkwardly. Just a little more of that sorta thing.
 
that read like a traditional narrative. i think the mockumentary device needs to be used in a very specific format and this screenplay just is not it. there are only two allusions that the characters even know the camera is present. imagine if a camera was following you around how you would react. also mockumentaries tend to illustrate more spectacular moments. the funniest parts, or i should say the parts with the most comedic potential, of the whole film you completely omitted. the exchange between the bum and the guys could be hilarious and create a very memorable character. also, you better believe that if two guys formulated a stunt to commandeer a billboard in los angeles the film crews would be following the guy doing the commandeering not the guy on the couch.

i felt like the jokes tried to hard as well. but, jokes very rarely read well so don't worry about that.

i think you need to tweak the dialogue too. read it out loud. act the scenes out yourself and see if there is a lyricism or realism to the lines.

i hate to be so negative but i am just providing you the feedback that i feel could help you.
 
No problem, thanks for reading, and you are pretty much right. If I were to go further with this I would definitely need to add the Bum interaction, billboard stunt in "Las Vegas" and as I have already stated before tweak dialog in general. Thanks for the excellent points.
 
Hi Stylz,

I kept looking for the hooks but had difficulty getting my arms around the dialog. Your characters patter certainly have a beat. But most of the scenes didn't deliver the much-needed plot and character development. So I'm with L.C. Wade - we need to tell a story, learn about the inner workings of Jake and Benny.

Try this - decompose the story to a handful of 3x5 inch index cards. On each card, write a short sentence that represents each scene. Scenes could involve several settings, but certainly advance the characters and story. Looking at the handful of cards, scrutinize your story. Is there a story at all? Is each scene advancing the story? Do you need to remove/add/reorder the cards? Reading your story, I felt as though the story was written from start to end, just the way I was reading it. Next time you may wish to start with a short treatment - a few paragraphs telling the character's story and their antagonists, without writing the actual dialog. Then decompose from the dialog to the cards, finally penning the dialog last. If you alread did this, then forgive me for being presumptious. However, if you did prepare a treatment, next time please include it with your original request for critiques. I guarantee you'll get far more reads, critiques, and many of us will be able to give you quick feedback without needing to read the actual script.

From what I've read, you've got a lot of exposition but unfortunately it's difficult to walk away with much story. Reflecting on your tagline:

...Two roomates/friends attempt to become talent agents.

Your story should help us learn more about the characters, their values, what makes them tick, what they do when things look bad (or are really good), etc. Work hard to find the drama - make your work interesting so others profit and feel they've learned something about themselves and others.

If you haven't already consumed Robert McKee's "Story", I recommend you buy his book or audio CD. I keep a copy on my iPod as listen to it often - great material from an expert to help see the big picture and keep us on track.

Happy trails, Michael
 
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