rewrite

3

3meater

Member
I posted a topic awhile ago, I did basically rewrote it. Please tell me what you think.

CLYDE.
THERE IS A GIRLY ROOM. INSIDE OF IT ARE THREE GIRLS. ONE IN BRUNETTE HERE NAME IS MERYL, ONE IS BLONDE HER NAME IS NICOLE, AND THE LAST ON IS RED HEADED HER NAME IS JENNIFER. THEY SIT IN A CIRCLE TOGETHER CHIT CHATTING.
NICOLE
So Meryl, what will it be truth are dare.
MERYL
Not, this game again. Truth I guess.
NICOLE
Hmmm, what should we ask you?
JENNIFER
I got something. Do you like anybody, and if so who.
MERYL
There is somebody.
Both girls are slightly surprised.
NICOLE
Oh reaaaly.... Who would that be.
MERYL
If you have to know, it's Clyde.
Both girls are in shock.

JENNIFER
clyde....Clyde...Clyde in our class clyde.
MERYL
Yeah, what's so bad about that.
NICOLE
Well it's just that he's kind of immature.
JENNIFER
And isn't he a pot head.
MERYL
I guess, but there's just something about him.... like remember the other day with Easton and Al.
FADE TO:
THERE IS A SCHOOL, THERE ARE BANNERS THAT SAY SPIRO AGNEW HIGH AND THINGS OF OTHER SORTS. ON A BENCH SITS THE THREE GIRLS OF BEFORE, AND TWO NEW BOYS. THERE IS EASTON AND ALBERTO WHO GOES BY AL.
ALBERTO
My mom said she was coming at 7:00
EASTON
So I should be by your house at 6:00.
They laugh. A boy walks up to the group soon though. Wearing a Pink Floyd shirt and around his waist a sweater. Underneath the sweater is some kind of object making it obviously appear as if the boy has an erection, this boy is Clyde the hero of our story.
CLYDE
Hey Al, I was just thinking about you.
The group laughs as Clyde first pushes his hips forward making the fake erection appear even bigger. Clyde then begins to walk towards Al. Clyde stands right at the bench in front of Al. Due to bench and Clyde hight the fake erection is directly in front of Al's nose.
CLYDE
Yeah, did we have any english homework?
The group continues to chuckle, as Clyde sees Meryl. He begins to walk away. While walking away from the group the object in the sweater falls out and is actually a twig.
FADE OUT.





THERE IS A BLACK SCREEN FOR A FEW MOMENTS. THEN THERE ARE TYPE WRITING SOUNDS AS EACH LETTER COMES ACROSS THE SCREEN AND MAKES -
CLYDE.
THEY ARE ALL IN WHITE TYPE WRITER TYPE FONT.
FADE TO:
AS A NICE MONTAGE MUSIC PLAYS WE GO TO A ROOM. THIS IS THE ROOM OF CLYDE. THE ROOM IS A MESS. CLYDE CLIMBS OUT OF BED IN A DAZE. CLYDE WALKS TO THE BATHROOM AND LOOKS AT HIS FACE FOR A MOMENT. WE SEE HIM BRUSH HIS TEETH AND PUT ON DEODERENT THEN PICK UP A SHIRT OFF THE GROUND AND PUT IT ON, THE SHIRT BEING DECENTLY CLEAN. CLYDE THEN WALKS OUT OF HIS ROOM. HE WALKS PAST A COUNTER AND PICKS UP SOME KEYS LAYING ON THE TABLE AND ON THE WAY OUT GRABS HIS BAG.
FADE TO:
CLYDE IN A 1983 BMW PULLS UP IN FRONT OF DUMPY HOUSE, WHICH IS SURPRISING BECAUSE IT'S IN A DECENT NEIGHBORHOOD. A BOY COMES INTO THE CAR. THE BOY IS HOMELY LOOKING WITH RATTY CLOTHES AND LONG HAIR. THIS BOY IS LEO.
LEO
**** man, thanks for picking me up.
CLYDE
No problem, but i've been waiting here for like 5 minutes. What the **** took you so long.
LEO
I was just having that dream about where I'm in that cave and got all those bats attacking me, you know the ones that look like Zubat from Pokemon. Then the only way can beat all of them is to throw them as hard as I can against the wall. But it's like hard because they're using their supersonic screeches and ****. It was pretty intense. oh yeah i have weed.
CLYDE
Tight.
Clyde grabs the stick and shifts it into drive and they take off.
FADE TO:
NOW CLYDE IS IN FRONT OF A SLIGHTLY NICER HOUSE. THE BACK DOOR OPENS, AND A BOY GETS INTO THE BACK SEAT. THIS IS ROY.
ROY
What the **** Clyde, you know I hate the back seat. Why did you pick him up first. What the hell am I suppose to do back here until we get Ajeet. You guys are going to be talking and **** while I'm back here.
CLYDE
I can turn on the radio or something.
ROY
Fine
Clyde turns on the radio
ANNOYING RADIO DJ
OHHHHH KAAAAAAY LADIES AND GENTS WE NOW HAVE OUR MESSIEST CLOSEST CONTEST COMING UP SO STAY TUNEDDDD FOR THAT..
ROY
TURN THE **** OFF CLYDE. God dammit what do I look like a ****ing five year old. You know what, lets just ****ing go.
FADE TO:
CLYDE PULLS UP TO ANOTHER HOUSE, THIS HOUSE HAS A MESSY FRONT YARD. A INDIAN BOY ENTERS THE CAR. THIS IS AJEET.
AJEET
Wow Leo, thanks for making us 10 minutes late.
LEO
How do you know it was my fault?
AJEET
Cause you're a douche.
LEO
**** you.
AJEET
Fine, douche pirate.
 
yeah, i don't really know how to post it on. Is there some kind of method I could use that would make it better?
 
Okay, I sruggled through the formatting as posted, which isn't even remotely similar to what a screenplay should look like or read like. Ouch.

It feels like a scene of something larger, but even a scene should have a beginning, a middle, and an end, which this does not. It's just random stuff.

Also, it screams written by and for 16-year-old boys. Using words/terms like douche-pirate and those fake erections are grossly immature and will turn off your female viewers. Most anyways. Hopefully.

Not sure what a 'girly-room' looks like, and I would assume leaves much open to interpretation, depending on ones subjective view of 'girls'. Are we talking Paris Hilton (oh darn, I broke a nail) or Tomb Raider (oh darn, I broke a planet)? Or maybe you mean lots of pink, boy posters, and thongs hung on the doornob to dry. Also, that term 'girly' really comes across as antiquated. Maybe I'm just getting old.

And please lose the 'a brunette, a blonde, and a red-head'. Sounds like a set-up for a joke, and hair color has nothing to do with the story. If that's all these girls have to define them as unique characters, then the only word that come to mind is shallow, or, just for the sake of using oxymorons, deeply shallow. Tee hee.

Wish I had better feedback for you, but as written, it's a film for high-schoolers still grapling with puberty. Sorry, but that was a long time ago for me.

If you want to write a gag for your friends, you did fine. If you want to write stories you need to do some research on real topics with real conflict, and characters well outside your realm of comfort.

If you want to write sreenplays, do a little reading on to properly format them. Plenty of free info on the net.





www.alexwhitmer.wordpress.com
 
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