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Buqui Productions

Buqui Productions

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I have finished this script, and I want your opinions. Here's the set-up:

Abby is a teenage girl with a reputation for being promiscuous. Mark is her best friend and confidant. Mary is a teenage girl who uses religion to cover up her true insecurities.

It's a a script that I will be shooting, so some of the set-ups are not terribly descriptive. If you have any questions PM me.

ENJOY! "Imperfickt"
 

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The middle needs work. We start off in the story learning about Abby, and the script basically puts her aside completely, focusing on Mary. Mainly what's missing is a better and bigger buildup to Mary's demise. In the end we're concentrating on her problem. If you want to make the two characters work off each other, then their stories need to be more intertwined.

The opening scene (Mark and Abby dancing) adds little and can easily be eliminated. We see that Mark cares for Abby through his actions and I would be afraid that after the audience sees them dancing they would expect that a) the scene is returned to later, or b) the movie will concentrate on their relationship entirely (which contrasts with the ending focusing on Mary). I say chop this scene entirely.

Another direction you could take is Mark's confusion with life and faith, and concentrate on that angle as the primary storyline. He deals with Abby and Mary and is conflicted about his own beliefs. The irony is that Mary (the good girl) ends up having an abortion--perhaps you could add a scene where Abby (the bad girl) could turn out OK despite her naughtiness.

As far as the subject matter is concerned, that's what's great about making independent films: you can make whatever you want. However, when you get into faith, the Bible, abortion, and sin, you can expect a level of controversy, whatever your opinions are.
 
What do you guys think?

What do you guys think?

Should I expand this into a feature film? 90 minutes or a little more? Your opinions/comments are greatly appreciated. I might need more time to develop the characters and their decisions.

-Michael
 
Buqui Productions said:
Should I expand this into a feature film? 90 minutes or a little more? Your opinions/comments are greatly appreciated. I might need more time to develop the characters and their decisions.

-Michael
Click to expand...

If you want to make a feature, make a feature. If you want a short, make a short.

In a fifteen minute short, you've got 15 minutes (15 script pages) to get in and out of your story. You say that you might need more time to develop the characters. In a short film you don't have that luxury. Your writing has to be tight, consise, and direct. There's no time to waste (one of the reasons I suggested cutting the opening dance sequence: the point that Mark cares for Abby is apparent in the script).

Believe it or not, a 90-120 minute screenplay has less time in it than you would think--we're not writing novels here--we can't go on and on with mounds of flowery description. You've still got to be tight, and show what your characters are doing and thinking without long narrations.

Just my 2 cents.
 
hey, i liked your screenplay overall - in addition to what was already said i havet a few personal suggestions: i would add some sort of character arc to mark, as he seems too much of just an observer of the others - he is lost amidst the moral confusion, but never makes any ground in his own dilemma (besides admitting that hes fed up with abby), even in his telling off of mary he doesnt really grow.

i would rework the pregnancy admission scene. why is mary blurting all of this out? we know she was once close with mark, but to do it with daniel sitting right there seemed odd - she seems to not care who shes telling this dark secret to which seems odd considering what a huge deal it is for her character. i would also reword daniels 'we'll all go' line, as it almost made me laugh - the pacing seems to go straight from clashing about abby to the admission of pregnancy to the abortion to 'lets all go' with almost no weight to whats being discussed (of course good acting will help this, but a script that reflects it cant hurt).

another idea would be to allow mary to make the choice for the abortion during the script instead of having her mind already made up. i know you have only 15 pages, but thats a huge decision and to have perhaps the biggest moral dilemma in the story solved before it even has time to sink in robs the audience of some nice character development.

one final thing was your action. the scene that takes place outside the waffel house made no sense blocking wise to me - mark and abby are walking to somehwere right across the street, yet in the few short minutes they walk out daniel has time to get his car, drive up to where they are and ask them if they want a ride (and he also apparently just ditched mary inside) - if this is your shooting script and you have a location in mind it might make more sense to you, but i was having trouble picturing it. daniels dialogue in the scene also didnt seem to serve much purpose, if youre searching for something to cut i might start there.

as far as expanding it, i would tread carefully. while your script handles the issues good for a short, some of the characters come dangerously close to stereotypes (christian girl carrying the bible everywhere vs. promiscuous girl, nerdy loner guy overly concerned with GPA). also, while you handled it well here, the devout christian girl who is forced to confront her morality when she becomes pregnant is pretty cliche (and makes me think lifetime movie). it works here, but if you expand it you have to make sure it doesnt fall into the cliche. overall, i liked it and you handled the issues well - keep it up!
 
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