Amulet Man
Well-known member
I had to remove the script, sorry.
Last edited:
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Please Help with My Thesis Screenplay "Purest Love"
- Thread starter Amulet Man
- Start date
That @$#% is bizarre man. I have to say that first.
This might seem like cheating, but I think you could cut down on the length by shortening some of the action/description. In some cases it seems a little too novel-esque, such as the scene with the business card in the bathroom.
I think you can cut down on some of the dialogue at points, and start later in the scenes. You can cut out the "hello? hello?" before the phone call with the minister. I'm not sure what the point of the first 2 lines of dialogue in the script are, except to say that it's a family reunion. I think you could cut those lines, and just have them see a sign that says "Norman Family Reunion - Room 105" or whatever. And then I think you can cut out Jimmy's "see ya bro" at the end of that scene.
I think you could cut back just a little on Dan and Mike's first conversation. It seems like they're just shooting the @#$%. You could cut out Dan's line about art school and some of the starting lines in the next scene.
I think the minister is just a little too wordy at points.
I think you can cut Jimmy's line about whatever makes Dan happy. I like the line before it, and you could just finish that line with a "but whatever float's your boat, man" or something.
Dan's interaction with the Saleswoman can be cut down a lot. You could cut most of the saleswoman's lines, and just mash most of Dan's lines together like:
DAN:
"Excuse me. I'd like two of those."
Dan points at the tuxedo.
SALESWOMAN:
Yes?
DAN:
One 38R jacket, 32 32 pants, 16 inch collar on the shirt. And the other...like the size of that mannequin over there.
DAN points to a mannequin near the window.
Then I think you should begin the next scene with Jimmy's line "You haven't even asked him yet?"
I don't like Mike's line "You'd better be @%#$ing kidding me" after the question is popped. I think a more natural, and almost more painful response for Dan would be Mike bursting into laughter.
I think you've mixed up the names in the last scene of the script, or else I'm missing something.
This might seem like cheating, but I think you could cut down on the length by shortening some of the action/description. In some cases it seems a little too novel-esque, such as the scene with the business card in the bathroom.
I think you can cut down on some of the dialogue at points, and start later in the scenes. You can cut out the "hello? hello?" before the phone call with the minister. I'm not sure what the point of the first 2 lines of dialogue in the script are, except to say that it's a family reunion. I think you could cut those lines, and just have them see a sign that says "Norman Family Reunion - Room 105" or whatever. And then I think you can cut out Jimmy's "see ya bro" at the end of that scene.
I think you could cut back just a little on Dan and Mike's first conversation. It seems like they're just shooting the @#$%. You could cut out Dan's line about art school and some of the starting lines in the next scene.
I think the minister is just a little too wordy at points.
I think you can cut Jimmy's line about whatever makes Dan happy. I like the line before it, and you could just finish that line with a "but whatever float's your boat, man" or something.
Dan's interaction with the Saleswoman can be cut down a lot. You could cut most of the saleswoman's lines, and just mash most of Dan's lines together like:
DAN:
"Excuse me. I'd like two of those."
Dan points at the tuxedo.
SALESWOMAN:
Yes?
DAN:
One 38R jacket, 32 32 pants, 16 inch collar on the shirt. And the other...like the size of that mannequin over there.
DAN points to a mannequin near the window.
Then I think you should begin the next scene with Jimmy's line "You haven't even asked him yet?"
I don't like Mike's line "You'd better be @%#$ing kidding me" after the question is popped. I think a more natural, and almost more painful response for Dan would be Mike bursting into laughter.
I think you've mixed up the names in the last scene of the script, or else I'm missing something.
Amulet Man
Well-known member
Yeah, the last scene has the wrong character names. I'm not sure what I was thinking. I should fix that...
I agree about your other comments for the most part, too. I'm having trouble with the Minister character; he needs to be appropriately comic to be duped into the wedding, but serious enough not to destroy the tone of the film.
I'm also going to cut the bus part, and just have the fall be lethal. The laughter is a more appropriate response to Dan's question, too; I agree.
Anyhow, thanks a bunch; your comments were really helpful.
I agree about your other comments for the most part, too. I'm having trouble with the Minister character; he needs to be appropriately comic to be duped into the wedding, but serious enough not to destroy the tone of the film.
I'm also going to cut the bus part, and just have the fall be lethal. The laughter is a more appropriate response to Dan's question, too; I agree.
Anyhow, thanks a bunch; your comments were really helpful.