Please critique my short film script

L

LloydC

Veteran
Wrote this a few nights ago and looking for some feedback. I'm itching to shoot anything with my new camera, so I decided to write this quickly with a no-budget mindset. Easy locations, few actors, etc.

It's about 21 or so pages. Very rough, as you can probably see from all the mistakes, but I was just typing whatever blossomed in my head.

I have in mind a very stark, moody, minimalist short film infused with indie rock :) But we'll see how it turns out. I definitely want to make some revisions and cut certain parts out to make it tighter, or to make it more coherent!

http://www.lloydchoi.com/prowling.doc

Thanks in advance for the critiques!
 
Hi Lloyd. Reading it now. It reads well. My first suggestion would be to lose things like describing the title card, camera movements, etc. Just stick to the story.

I like to try and tell a story as if I were at a party and relating something that happened to a group of friends. I wouldn't describe camera movements and such, I would just tell what's going on.

[[[ S P O I L E R S ]]]

For some reason, I see this thing being set at night, rather than in the daytime. Don't know why. More moody and mysterious and....I don't know... dangerous, maybe. Just a thought.

Rather than having her see the MiniDV tape sitting in the car, I would have had her see the camcorder itself. Then, when he gets out and goes off a distance, she makes a grab for it -- only then to discover there's no tape in it. Then she can wonder -- WAS there a tape??? Did he take it with him??? If not, where is it??? And what's on it???

Don spots something in the road, stops the car, and runs back to it. You need to describe at that point what it is he saw, not wait for it to be explained in the conversation. If the audience sees it, then it needs to be in the description.

BTW, why give them names if their names are never said? When the credits roll, the audience won't know who 'Don' and 'Kendra' are. They should at least introduce themselves. (Or did I miss that?)

How do they cook the corn? For that matter, where did they get the corn?

Okay, I'm not sure I understand the importance of the whole corn scene. But overall the story has potential.

The dialogue seems very uncomfortable to me. I never really know what they're talking about, or why they're saying what they're saying. It doesn't click for me -- doesn't ring true. But it could just be one of those quirky, slightly off-kilter stories, I suppose. It might translate well. It's hard to say.

I can't really say I care about either of these two characters. Don seems too strange to relate to, so when Kendra kills him in the end I don't really care much. And I don't worry about Kendra's safety either. So I'm not emotionally invested, I'm just watching what happens. Is that what you intended?

I'm not sure what I would do as far as specific improvements. Have to think about that one. You've got a talent, that's for sure. This particular script just needs honing, in my opinion. But that's just me. Let's see what others suggest.

Thanks for letting us read it!
 
Thanks for the amazing feedback chapelgrove!

I indeed scrapped this as I had a very cool vision for this film, but there's not enough time to get it done. It definitely needs to be revised a whole lot.

Instead, I'm writing another short right now which I hope you can review as well in the coming days.

Cheers :beer:
 
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