Please, Critique My First Scene

J

JessicaS

New member
Hi everyone this is my first screenplay that I have written and I would love for people to critique it. I am writing a short film about a guy who fines himself after having a bazaar experience. Below is half of the first Scene. Remember, that this is my first time writing a screenplay, but I do want your honest opinion. Sorry I can't fix the format on here. I use Celtx.


INT. RYAN'S STUDIO APARTMENT - DAY

RYAN is sitting in a chair while facing the mirror belonging to his dresser. He has a gun in his left hand and a photography of a woman and little boy in his right hand.

RYAN

(looking at himself in the mirror and crying hysterically)
I am so sorry. I have to do this. I can't take being here alone anymore.

PETER THE CLOWN knocks on RYAN's door.He is dressed in his full clown costume.

PETER THE CLOWN

(knocking intensely and yelling)
Hey, Dude, I saw you come in here earlier bro, I need your help! It is an emergency! Come on, come on, open up!

Ryan puts the gun in his dresser drawer and puts the photo of the woman and little boy on its front side facing down. He wipes the tears from is eyes.

RYAN

(Slowly getting up from the chair and walking to the door)
Okay, okay, here I come!

Ryan opens the door hesitantly.

RYAN (CONT'D)

(looking at Peter The Clown with a puzzled face)
What do you want?

PETER THE CLOWN

Do you have a cellphone? My wife just went into labor and I need to call for an ambulance.

RYAN

Don't you have a house phone you could use?

Peter The Clown pushes Ryan out of the way and comes into Ryan's apartment.

PETER THE CLOWN

(yelling at Ryan with urgency in his voice)
I don't know if you've notice but the power has been out for the past 3 hours! I don't have a cellphone and should I remind you that my wife is in labor and she could have this kid in any moment! So, give me the freaking phone!

RYAN

Alright, just, just calm down...you caught me at a bad time.

Ryan walks to the dresser and grabs his phone. He hands it to Peter The Clown.

PETER THE CLOWN

Thank you.

RYAN

Don't you have a car?

PETER THE CLOWN

Yes, I do...

RYAN

Let me guess a clown car?

PETER THE CLOWN

A matter of fact it is! But, the wife won't fit in it.

PETER THE CLOWN (CONT'D)

(looking up with a hopeful voice)
She use to have the model shape body...I mean beautiful, sexy, elegant. But, now she is as big as a factory building. I miss those days.

RYAN

I hate to say this but, I don't care. So, if, you could hurry up with the use of my phone I would be really happy.

PETER THE CLOWN

Oh, right, sorry.

TESSA (Peter The Clown wife) walks up in between the doorway. She is holding her stomach with her right hand and holding on the doorway with her left hand. Her knees are bent. She is in her acrobat costume for pregnant women. She is crying because of the intense pain. Her makeup is smeared on her face.
 
JessicaS said:
Sorry I can't fix the format on here. I use Celtx.
Click to expand...

Let me assist... using the 'scrippet' feature. The 'scrippet' feature allows one to format script like chunks in the more standard script format.

One places {scrippet} .... script text... {/scrippet} (where '{' is replaced by '[' and '}' is replaced by ']')

For example:
Note that there is no space between the Character and their Dialog and there is space between the Dialog and the next Action (or Character ) line... that's important...

{scrippet}
INT. RYAN'S STUDIO APARTMENT - DAY

RYAN is sitting in a chair while facing the mirror belonging to his dresser. He has a gun in his left hand and a photography of a woman and little boy in his right hand.

RYAN
(looking at himself in the mirror and crying hysterically)
I am so sorry. I have to do this. I can't take being here alone anymore.

PETER THE CLOWN knocks on RYAN's door.He is dressed in his full clown costume.
{/scrippet}

[scrippet]
INT. RYAN'S STUDIO APARTMENT - DAY

RYAN is sitting in a chair while facing the mirror belonging to his dresser. He has a gun in his left hand and a photography of a woman and little boy in his right hand.

RYAN
(looking at himself in the mirror and crying hysterically)
I am so sorry. I have to do this. I can't take being here alone anymore.

PETER THE CLOWN knocks on RYAN's door.He is dressed in his full clown costume.

PETER THE CLOWN
(knocking intensely and yelling)
Hey, Dude, I saw you come in here earlier bro, I need your help! It is an emergency! Come on, come on, open up!

Ryan puts the gun in his dresser drawer and puts the photo of the woman and little boy on its front side facing down. He wipes the tears from is eyes.

RYAN
(Slowly getting up from the chair and walking to the door)
Okay, okay, here I come!

Ryan opens the door hesitantly.

RYAN (CONT'D)
(looking at Peter The Clown with a puzzled face)
What do you want?

PETER THE CLOWN
Do you have a cellphone? My wife just went into labor and I need to call for an ambulance.

RYAN
Don't you have a house phone you could use?

Peter The Clown pushes Ryan out of the way and comes into Ryan's apartment.

PETER THE CLOWN
(yelling at Ryan with urgency in his voice)
I don't know if you've notice but the power has been out for the past 3 hours! I don't have a cellphone and should I remind you that my wife is in labor and she could have this kid in any moment! So, give me the freaking phone!

RYAN
Alright, just, just calm down...you caught me at a bad time.

Ryan walks to the dresser and grabs his phone. He hands it to Peter The Clown.

PETER THE CLOWN
Thank you.

RYAN
Don't you have a car?

PETER THE CLOWN
Yes, I do...

RYAN
Let me guess a clown car?

PETER THE CLOWN
A matter of fact it is! But, the wife won't fit in it.

PETER THE CLOWN (CONT'D)
(looking up with a hopeful voice)
She use to have the model shape body...I mean beautiful, sexy, elegant. But, now she is as big as a factory building. I miss those days.

RYAN
I hate to say this but, I don't care. So, if, you could hurry up with the use of my phone I would be really happy.

PETER THE CLOWN
Oh, right, sorry.

TESSA (Peter The Clown wife) walks up in between the doorway. She is holding her stomach with her right hand and holding on the doorway with her left hand. Her knees are bent. She is in her acrobat costume for pregnant women. She is crying because of the intense pain. Her makeup is smeared on her face.

[/scrippet]
 
There are a number of awkwardnesses of grammar and usage.

For example:
----
RYAN is sitting in a chair while facing the mirror belonging to his dresser. He has a gun in his left hand and a photography of a woman and little boy in his right hand.
---

The first sentence sound awkward... to me better would be
RYAN, 20's, {fat, thin, early balding, whatever description...}, sits at his dresser, looking at the mirror.

The second sentence has a misuse of the word 'photography', should be 'photograph'.

In general the use of 'parentheticals' should be 'sparing'. So, in most of your parentheticals you actually have 'action lines'.

For example:
----
RYAN
(looking at himself in the mirror and crying hysterically)
---

So, this would perhaps be 'improved' by the following:

[scrippet]
INT. RYAN'S STUDIO APARTMENT - DAY

RYAN, 20's, sits facing his dresser mirror. Tears roll down his face. In his left hand he holds a gun, in the right, a photograph.

INSERT Photo of a woman and child.

RYAN
I am so sorry. I have to do this. I can't take being here alone anymore.
....
[/scrippet]

The last item... dialog... cut dialog to the 'bone'...
 
"a short film about a guy who fines himself after having a bazaar experience" isn't the same as a short film about a guy who finds himself after having a bizarre experience.

just sayin'.....hahaha
 
rynpaige said:
"a short film about a guy who fines himself after having a bazaar experience" isn't the same as a short film about a guy who finds himself after having a bizarre experience.

just sayin'.....hahaha
Click to expand...

No, the former is a story about a person who is very selfjudgemental, and 'fines' himself for un-normal activities...

On the other hand, Jimmy Hendrix sang about the guy who finds himself as in 'are you experienced...'...

On the other other hand... the guy who loses himself to his bizarre experiences is named 'Steppenwolf', aka Harry Haller...
 
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