Once again I implore you

Hans Moleman

Hans Moleman

Carbonite Member
everyone here was so helpful the last time I invited you to read and critique my crap, I thought it'd be worth seeing if you wouldn't mind glancing over my latest draft of a short. Your fresh eyes are really appreciated. I plan to use it for spyfest, so keep that in mind if that effects whether or not you want to be sharing ideas. Thanks in advance.

HERE
 
Hey, read your script and enjoyed it very much. Its quite strong, has good direction, and comes to a nice conclusion. I would be hard pressed to tell you anything major to change, as I think its a pretty nice overall package right now. The only questions I had were how Vinnie seemed to be a deadbeat if the university is so stringent in its requirements - if he turned into a slacker, wouldnt he be given the boot? Of course thats a minor issue, and could be totally overlooked - I wouldn't change anything major to try and give more depth to the backstory as each character already has their own motives and agenda, and I think that is more important in this piece than explaining everything. The only thing I would revise is the line in John's planner - the 'bring money' part is a bit much in my opinion, and I think just the time and place of a meeting would suffice. But other than that it looks excellent. Best of luck in spyfest!
 
thanks for the look-over. your point had been brought up to me by another person, so I've changed a line to imply that the admissions people aren't letting the guy graduate, as opposed to him being stuck there by his own doing.
 
zahra said:
Hi. I'm going to read this tonight. Will let you have fb tomorrow.
Regards.
Click to expand...

Read your script last night, and thought it was great. The horror of your protagonist's position was well brought out, and the various ironies of their relative positions made for a fine story. Not too dialogue-heavy, thankfully. You should be pleased with it.
Z:beer:
 
thank you very much for the feedback. i was careful to avoid 'tarantino syndrome' and clip as much talking as possible.
 
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