not Screewriting... but "short story".

Evan S

Evan S

Veteran
this is an exerpt from a short story I was writing. Someone told me it was crap, and i'm looking for a second opinion. I never finished. :kali: :furious3:

He slinks slowly down the hallway, his footsteps quiet - nearly unheard, masked by the rain pounding on the window. He doesn’t exist, a shadow in the darkness, the ghost in the corner of your eye . He unhooks his sidearm from his holster. He brings it up to his side, he navigates the darkness with ease. He turns his back to the wall, readying his gun. He looks down toward the door handle - his reflection shooting back at him, the only proof of his existence. Mumbling on the other side of the door can be heard. He reaches back and pulls out a circular object, presumably a silencer. Sure enough, he begins screwing it onto the tip of his tired pistol. He clicks the safety off just as his hand slips down to the door handle. In one swift motion the door flies open, the two men sitting at the table look up startled and before they can make a movement, he slams down on the trigger sending one bullet after another straight into one of the men’s sternum.
Terrified, the uninjured man speaks, “Don’t shoot man, Please!”
“Why not?” Our mysterious character questions.
“I’ll tell you anything you want to know! Please you gotta believe me!”
Our mystery man walks toward the table, we hear a clicking sound and our mystery man raises his gun once more. This time aiming between the eyes.
The thug sitting down pulls up a gun and aims back.
“Go ahead and shoot me, you’ll be dead before I hit the floor !”
“What makes you so sure?”
“Look, I told you I’d tell you anything you want to know, but you’re making this difficult for me man!”
“Why. You raised the gun.”
“I.. uh?”
“I’m not here to chat.”
He sends a bullet straight between the thugs eyes, the mans skull rips open into beautiful shades of red, bits of brain redecorate the walls.
The mysterious shadow walks back toward the door he entered, he looks to his left and notices a long coat, it’s black. He cocks his brow - pulls it off the coat rack and slides it on, and exits out the front door as if killing a man was a normal occurrence during his day.

Our mystery man in the long coat enters a nondescript car. We finally meet him face to face. Emmanuel Dyson, standard height, medium build. Nondescript like the car he drives. His eyes are cold, no emotion can be seen. He stops blinking staring into space, it is evident something in his mind is working on something horrible. His eyes start to tear up, and he begins sobbing. The grown man sits in his nondescript car, with his nondescript features, crying softly into his steering wheel.

He starts the car, and drives off.
 
Take this all with a grain of salt...unless you ask 10 people and 6 are saying the same thing, then it's only opinions. So here goes:

-Not sure if you just copied this to get the words in there or if this is indeed how it appears in your manuscript. If the latter, then I would try breaking up that first paragraph. You've got too many unrelated things/ideas going on to hold it together. If this is an intentional style choice, then ok, but I would still seriously think about breaking that bad boy up. It will flow better, is easier to read, and builds tension.

-You gotta check your run on's: "In one swift motion the door flies open, the two men sitting at the table look up startled and before they can make a movement, he slams down on the trigger sending one bullet after another straight into one of the men’s sternum."
This is way too much for one sentence to handle and it makes for a really awkward read.

-I think you're putting commas where you should be putting periods...or at the very least semi-colons: "He brings it up to his side, he navigates the darkness with ease." And: "The mysterious shadow walks back toward the door he entered, he looks to his left and notices a long coat, it’s black." Especially this last one...it's like 3 sentences.

-The perspective you're using to narrate is...uh...weird, for lack of a better word. It feels like some Twilight Zone game show host is trying to 'sell' us on the main character. I'm not trying to bag on you, but it seems there is a stronger choice. What do you want to accomplish? What is the narrator's knowledge, level of intimacy, tone, etc? How is this supposed to draw us in? This cat has a lot to do with how we perceive the main character. And right now, it seems a little on the cheesy "I'm-doing-the-noir-thing-here" flavor.

-You keep calling him the mysterious man that does mysterious things. As in screenwriting, it's a lot more effective to show us this, instead of telling us. Let us make up our own mind...or better yet, let us think we are making up our own mind. Guide us into seeing he is mysterious. It's always an easier sell than being told this is how we should think about something. At the very least, call him something else every now and then.

-Work on the dialogue some. I think it's too wooden and unnatural. I think you are hitting it too much on the head and it's confusing which person is speaking when on first read. Try writing it again, but use this dialogue as the intent or subtext. This is what the characters are REALLY saying when they say something else. Make the same ideas come across, but make it a little more hip.

-There are some things that just come off wrong. I'm not sure what the word I'm looking for is...smug? snide? I dunno, but it detracts from your piece: "...presumably a silencer. Sure enough..." Is one of the examples.

-I don't buy that this guy cries at the end. I'm not saying his character wouldn't, or that it's not a good choice...but with the information we have to go on and in its presentation...it's not believable.

-Lastly...finish this. You'll feel a lot better and you'll get some of these things out of your system. And who knows where it will lead? Your characters might surprise you.

I don't mean to shoot this thing down completely. There were some nice things going on here (I really liked your description about the blood redecorating the walls...I could really see that). But this is all offered in the hopes of encouraging you and to make your writing the best it can be. It doesn't help if we just blow smoke up yer hole. AND, obviously you think there's something good going on here. Otherwise, you wouldn't have sought a second opinion. Trust your instincts and don't give up. Clean this thing some and finish it. Hope this was helpful...keep writing!! :)

Besties,

-Mischief
 
Until now your "short story" is rather the description of a scene. Where does this man come from, where does he go to, what is his motivation, his goal? Every story needs a beginning, a middle and an end. It does´nt make any difference wether it is a short story, a script or a novel.

To turn it into a story you need a structure. For example something like this (I´m sure you have a completely different idea, it´s just an example) The three-sentences-rule is the best I have ever learned from Syd Field:

A killer, a loner, who has never cried since he was a little boy falls in love with a girl, in fact a platonic love that never seems to becomes real. The day they finally have their fist date, the girl is killed by a bomb that was meant to eliminate the killer. The killer is going to venge the girl and finally is able to cry for the first time in his adult life.

(any similarity with existing movies is mere coincidence ;))
 
I have heard of the Three Sentence Rule from Syd Field but thought that for the Pitch but it also is a nice guideline when actually writing your screenplay to keep your descriptions short with some pop and to the point.

Take a look at professionally written screenplays and the descriptive action is told in short, 3 sentence (generally speaking) paragraphs.

This:

He slinks slowly down the hallway, his footsteps quiet - nearly unheard, masked by the rain pounding on the window. He doesn’t exist, a shadow in the darkness, the ghost in the corner of your eye . He unhooks his sidearm from his holster. He brings it up to his side, he navigates the darkness with ease. He turns his back to the wall, readying his gun. He looks down toward the door handle - his reflection shooting back at him, the only proof of his existence. Mumbling on the other side of the door can be heard. He reaches back and pulls out a circular object, presumably a silencer. Sure enough, he begins screwing it onto the tip of his tired pistol. He clicks the safety off just as his hand slips down to the door handle. In one swift motion the door flies open, the two men sitting at the table look up startled and before they can make a movement, he slams down on the trigger sending one bullet after another straight into one of the men’s sternum.

Is a mess to read. Is this a short story ? A screenplay ? Mishmash ?

-

Directinglegend ? I'd suggest learning the proper format of a screenplay and the guidlelines to writing one.

Gotta learn somewhere!

Keep writing !
 
brianluce said:
what is the three sentence rule?
Click to expand...

The three sentence rule means you should be able to tell the basic story of a script or a movie in three sentences. It is very easy to exercise: After watching a movie get a pen and write down in THREE SENTENCES the story of the movie you have seen. After some movies you will see that it becomes more and more easy for you to describe complex filmic action and situations with very few words. Now start to write down YOUR OWN IDEAS in the same way.
 
Last edited:
John_Hudson said:
I have heard of the Three Sentence Rule from Syd Field but thought that for the Pitch but it also is a nice guideline when actually writing your screenplay to keep your descriptions short with some pop and to the point.

Take a look at professionally written screenplays and the descriptive action is told in short, 3 sentence (generally speaking) paragraphs.

This:

He slinks slowly down the hallway, his footsteps quiet - nearly unheard, masked by the rain pounding on the window. He doesn’t exist, a shadow in the darkness, the ghost in the corner of your eye . He unhooks his sidearm from his holster. He brings it up to his side, he navigates the darkness with ease. He turns his back to the wall, readying his gun. He looks down toward the door handle - his reflection shooting back at him, the only proof of his existence. Mumbling on the other side of the door can be heard. He reaches back and pulls out a circular object, presumably a silencer. Sure enough, he begins screwing it onto the tip of his tired pistol. He clicks the safety off just as his hand slips down to the door handle. In one swift motion the door flies open, the two men sitting at the table look up startled and before they can make a movement, he slams down on the trigger sending one bullet after another straight into one of the men’s sternum.

Is a mess to read. Is this a short story ? A screenplay ? Mishmash ?

-

Directinglegend ? I'd suggest learning the proper format of a screenplay and the guidlelines to writing one.

Gotta learn somewhere!

Keep writing !
Click to expand...


I know what screenplay format is... It's one of my first attempts at a short story. I dont usually write short stories.
 
He slinks down the hallway. His footsteps are quiet; nearly unheard, masked by the rain pounding on the window. He doesn't exist, a shadow . He unhooks his sidearm from his holster. He brings it up to his side. Navigating the darkness with ease. He turns his back to the wall, readying his gun.

He looks down toward the door handle - his reflection shooting back at him; The only proof of his existence. On the other side of the door mumbling can be heard.

He reaches back and pulls out a circular object, a silencer. He begins attaching it to the top of his tired pistol. He clicks the safety off; his free hand slides down to the handle of the door.

In one swift motion the door flies open. Two men sitting at the table look up startled and before they can make a movement; the reflection on the door handle slams down on the trigger sending one man to the floor.

Terrified, the uninjured man speaks, "Don't shoot! I'll make it worth your while!"

The reflection asks, "Oh yeah?"

"What do you want? Someone like you has got to have a fix. Guns?! ... I can get you guns! Any kind you want!" The terrified man exclaims.

The reflection disappears from the door handle, and a new one on and empty glass that resides upon the table. We hear a clicking sound from beneath the hard-wood table. The reflection raises his gun in alarm. This time aiming between the eyes.

The terrified man pulls up a gun and aims back.

"Go ahead and shoot me, but do you really want my death on your conscious?" The reflection says calmly.

"You should just take my offer!"

"I was hired to kill you, not make deals with my paycheck." He replies calmly.

"I.. uh?"

"I'm saying." The reflection tilts its head up, "I'm not hear to chat."

He sends a bullet straight between the terrified man's eyes. His skull rips open into beautiful shades of red, bits of brain redecorate the walls.

The reflection reappears on the door handle. It looks to the left. A long black coat sits upon the hook. He pulls the coat off the rack and slides it on. He exits out the door as nonchalant as possible, as if killing a man was like batting an eye.

The man in the long coat enters a nondescript car. Emmanuel Dyson, standard height, medium build. Nondescript like the car he drives. His eyes are cold and blank. He stares off into space. He starts the car, and drives off.



(format is all fuxed because of word)
 
The reader has absolutely no idea what is going on here. I assume this is almost an "opening scene" and you are going to elaborate on where this is going? It seems like more of a cinematic approach than a literary one. In a short story you may want to set up your character more in the first page or two unless you are attempting to write "micro fiction" which seems to be rabidly popular right now.
I would say your descriptions are solid, your structure needs improvement. The thing you are really going to need to work on is giving the reader a sense of understanding. Like I said that may make a good opening scene to a movie but short stories are the hardest thing in the world to write. Much like short films everything has to be exact, the timing, the prose, everything. I wish I could be of more help but maybe you should start the story with Dyson talking to the person who contracted him to do the killing. Give the reader a little more.
 
joe 1008 said:
The three sentence rule means you should be able to tell the basic story of a script or a movie in three sentences. It is very easy to exercise: After watching a movie get a pen and write down in THREE SENTENCES the story of the movie you have seen. After some movies you will see that it becomes more and more easy for you to describe complex filmic action and situations with very few words. Now start to write down YOUR OWN IDEAS in the same way.
Click to expand...

That's wierd, I've always heard scripts should be pitched in one or two sentences, not three. But I've never read syd field--though I feel like I have cuz he's talked about so often.
 
I don't like the mystery man's dialogue, especially "Oh yeah?," sounds a little fake to me, Im thinkin it should be an action instead, like "the inevitable kill could be seen in the eyes of the man standing tall as he stares back without emotion."

and I also think the whole contract killer thing doesn't give a story, just an action scene. Maybe you should add something like when he goes back to the car, he sees a picture on his dashboard of a young girl with long ponytails, then you can add his eyes start to water as he cries out of shame(regret, relief, despare, it'll change the whole story) and drives off. That was a horrific sentence but all I'm saying is to try and make a story out of it. Feel free to correct me, it's just a thought.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top