Not quite a short

D

daveswan

Well-known member
It is with some trepidation that I attach this script for your derission.
Before anyone wastes their time on it I should explain that it is an amateur production intended for the club circuit, and thus the budget is limited (Read non-existant). My problems are that the dialogue limps like a three legged dog, and as it is a fantasy / mythic / SF combo getting more "show" and less "tell" is going to break the bank.
BTW "Bare Bones" simply means that this is the minimum number of scens I need, I have two further version with much more back-story, but are probably only filmabble with a BFI grant!
My cast will be drawn from the local Am-Dram circuit, the crew from my film-making club.
FWIW the cam will be my HVX.

Cheers,
Dave
 

Attachments

Well, yeah I could have said "look at my killer script that'l make my fortune in Hollywood" as if.
What I'm hoping to make is a movie that will clean up on the IAC club circuit, and possibly make it into festivals.
I think the Ideas are good, but I need feedback on the dialogue especially, and how to breakup / shorten the long speeches that have almost written themselves.
So, again how to get more show and less tell in a non-existant (Well perhaps £2-3K) budget.
Dave
 
So far, as of theis post, 75 people have read this thread, and 9 have taken the trouble to look at the PDF.
But NO ONE, apart from alveraz has made any comment. Does that mean you all think it's brilliant and above criticism, or that no one can be bothered to comment?
Come on folks, I need some help here!
Dave
 
First off, I want to say that by no means I am an expert, or any good whatsoever at critique. Frankly, I suck at it, but I wanted to give you my two cents and you can take it for what its worth.

I like the idea, the story is cool. But yeah, the dialogue is kinda meh. In the beginning, I thought it was too fast into the who "I have a sister" thing. I know sometimes in shorts you have to jump right in, but I think that might be something you can keep hidden from the Edmund character until near the end.

I was confused with the who Alfric thing too, until I read that he's the head of the blood line. You might could keep that hidden until near the end as well. That may help you with the dialogue.

I didn't read the entire thing, I read about half then skipped to the end. I like the ending.

Also, I'm from Texas, so this may not help you at all, but... when I write stories I try to make the dialogue sound natural. One thing you might do is speak the lines outloud and see how they sound to you. To me, they don't feel natural. But again, I'm a hillbilly.

Sorry if I've disrepected you in anyway, I don't mean to.
 
I gotta agree with fret a bit. The idea is interesting and cool, and I know it's a short but exposition comes at you very early like a group of raging rhinos. And some confusing format issues, cutting from the past/flashback to present with just CUT TO: was confusing need to go back to EXT> PRESENT - whatever. Or I just missed it was still in the past (refering to page 8-9).

It's very interesting story I like it - as a story, on paper. It's a LOT of dialogue and explaining it's hard to get into. I am a fan of this sorta myth and stuff and early Anglo-Saxon and Norse lore and history and Tolkien fantasy so I got into that aspect easily being a geek =). But WATCHING this as you have to SHOW all this, I would find harder. It's a lot of talking around tables and gardens intercut with some "flashbacks" of the past. Reminds me more of a play than a movie... feels like that.

I just see this being very confusing for people unfamiliar with all this. After half way through I found it difficult reading it. Also no sense of "danger" or "high stakes" other than the constant saying there is.

I think you have a great idea/concept and characters, esp Edmund. A lot of potential. But it to someone unfamiliar or basic knowledge of this lore/myth may find it hard to get through. Lots of long dialogs most of it is that. Again I see this much better as a PLAY and not a movie. Paces better that way too. I can see why fretwire would "skip ahead".

Just being honest with ya take no offense I am not an expert either but learned the hard way similarly.

as for advice for more show less tell, and dialogue, I mean - less is more. It doesnt come natural for many people, it takes practice and practice and practice. It's VERY HARD to go back to a piece you've done like this and change it that drastically.

Ask yourself who your audience will be? What can you do? Why are you doing it? You seem to have already answered those, and I heh can't imagine another version with more backstory lol =D Definitely this is TELL and less SHOW. Why it feels like a PLAY and not a MOVIE. Honestly, you may have something really neat and cool as a play instead... and that's a lot of TELL.

I mean I can't specifically give you more I am sorry, it's a lot to digest. Look at LOTR movies, or similar movies with similar contexts and plots as this. Watch them. Get their scripts if you can. Best advice I can give. There's no one magic answer NOR easy answer.

But anyways, feel free to disagree or flame if if you wish. Unleash Odins rage =D
 
Thanks guys.
First off, no offence or disrespect taken, just very glad of some input!
I did have a reading of an earier draft at my am-dram group, and the same comment, that it read more like a play came up, and its had several revisions since.
I do have a sequence set on a golf course with people being made non-existant, but I cut it for budget resons, I may see if I can re-instate it.
I agree that the "Where is your sister" "I don't have a sister?" thing is a bit abrupt, mainly for pace in a 30ish min short, I wanted to dive straite in. I'll rethink the whole pace thing.
The longer versions add a lot more back-story in "the otherworld", and loads more Norse Myth stuff including a dramatisation of "The Waking of Angantyr", which I realised didn't add to the story, even though they put flesh on the bones as it were.
Anyway, thanks again, and its off to do some script bashing.
Cheers,
Dave
 
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