Newbie short script-- please critique

T

TomE2

New member
Hi everyone. I'm new to this forum and would like to shoot my first short this summer--

Just a HS student but recently discovered I have the screenwriting bug. I would like to get some feedback on this short--Compost Tom--which I penned this week. I deliberately used fragmented sentences to show discrete units of action, which will be easier for me to shoot. For a feature, an actual submitted work, I would not do this. Plus, I wouldn't violate proper formatting rules. But, this is only for a short, to be used as a blueprint for me this summer. Still need a couple more passes to solidify character, fix dialogue, etc.

But what do you think so far? Any criticism is welcome...
 

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I think you might find if you take the time to offer other people feedback first, that they will happily return the favor.

Chris
 
I've only glanced through it so far, but my first recommendation is to read as many screenplays as you can get your hands on. Read, Read, Read....it will make you a better writer.

For the past two years that I have been studying screenwriting I have read a minimum of 3 screenplays a week...both scripts from produced movies and screenplays from unknown people. And, along with the other study I did, I saw a dramatic improvement in my understanding of the writing process as well as a dramatic improvement in my writing. After a while I noticed that I was able to decide within the first page, sometimes within the first few lines, whether the rest of the script was worth reading or not.

I will read this and give a more detailed critique later...in the meantime here are some sites where you can get screenplays to read:

www.simplyscripts.com
www.joblo.com/moviescripts.php
www.screentalk.biz/gallery.htm
www.imsdb.com

And a great community for screenwriters, where I learned a lot of invaluable information and got tremendous feedback on my writing samples, is Done Deal Pro: www.donedealpro.com

Hope this helps,
Larry
 
You are in just High School and you already have some obvious writing talent. Do what everybody else says and read as many scripts as you can. See why they make us want to read after the first page. But don't stop there.

Keep writing. Don't polish too much, just keep writing. Think in broad strokes, don't get bogged down in details, searching for the perfect description. We will be moved more by clear, strong action on the page than any flowery prose. I am guilty of this myself, so take it for what it's worth. In screenwriting it's difficult to get the balance right. Every scene must have a purpose, so find out what it is first and then write in the details. Broad strokes. BOLD.

Oh, and one other thing - remember to spend the other half of your time living. Get out there and experience everything you can. That way, when your skills are finely honed, you'll have something truly meaningful to write about.

For some reason I have a good feeling about your stuff.
 
Thank you wjm.
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[SIZE=+0]I will keep at it, and live a little.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+0]To everyone else, I know it's a pain to read 28 pages. I apologize. If I could pull the script of the forum, I would. I really do appreciate the few comments given, though. Thanks again.[/SIZE]
 
Don't worry about pulling the script off the forum. You already exhibit some real writing talent. If you're only in high school, you already have a really strong style and great command of language. It's natural to get shy about showing people your early work. And posting it on a forum for all to see is brave. Take this one lesson from it, if you take any: don't let criticism dissuade you. That's a trap. Don't let your fears of failure dissuade you either.

If you keep writing the way you wrote this short script, you could accomplish a lot!
 
Ok TomE2, I finally had a chance to sit back and read the script. First let me say that I was very impressed...especially if you are still only in high school. Overall I'd say you have a good grasp on writing a well formatted script with believable characters and a decent story. I only had a few beefs with the script and I'll detail them now.

The opening bothered me, and unfortunately that was all I had read before I posted the first time. Though I still stand by my advice to read, read, read and then read some more. That is great advice for anyone interested in writing.

Some probably wouldn't be bothered by it, but to me the opening lines felt like a script for a play. Keep the action blocks lean and quick reading. "...motionless in a tranquil back yard at dawn"..."sweeps cautiously across the stove knobs". And there are others. Save the flowery speech for when you write your novel. In the screenplay you aren't telling a story to the reader, you are describing a story for the reader's mind's eye.

The action sections should be written very similar to how we tell someone else about a movie we just watched. Just "give me the facts" and move on. For the most part, the action blocks were lean and moved along well, but especially in the opening, they seemed to have a lot of pretty words...if that makes any sense.

I felt like the dialog was very natural and I didn't have any trouble keeping the characters separated in my mind. They all seemed to speak in their own voice.

I think my biggest concern was how the sheriff played out...it seems like he "looked the other way" and nothing was established to make me feel that would be his response.

Overall a great job and looking forward to seeing more of your work in the future.

Peace,
Larry
 
Thanks Larry R for returning with comments.

I agree with your comment on the "flowery" stuff at the beginning. It was done simply because I have friends who are active in our school theater and I know they're used to reading such things. I figured some of them would read it eventually. It is play-like, and I'll fix it to make a leaner verb-directed read.

The Sheriff: yes, I agree with your assessment on him, too. He is my theme character, stating the idea on page 4: "what's legal and what's right ain't always the same." This is derived from some of Aristotle's ideas... but why does he believe this, the Sheriff, that is? Exactly-- I failed to develop that part. Another fix needed. Thanks. I kinda figured there was a problem with him!

Thanks again everyone. I really appreciate the feedback.
 
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