New Script

Robbie Comeau

Robbie Comeau

Como's back. back again
Hey guys, been writing alot lately, but stop because I don't like what I'm getting at. So I started a new one, and I want you to let me knw if you think I should continue, and maybe give me some pointers. Right now, it's about a girl at the park and a boy passes by day by day, always asking her for directions. And the girl gets annoyed because she has no clue what's going on. Eventually, we find out he is a ghost, and i can't really figure out what can happen. So again, give me pointers, and maybe help me with an ending?
Thanks guys.

FINISHED SCRIPT: NEW UPDATE, FIXED SCENES

http://www.megafileupload.com/en/file/15174/Movie-celtx.html
 
Last edited:
can't download it, because apparently "Download traffic for [my] country is empty."

Have you considered just getting a domain for like 10 bucks a year to store your files on? That's what I do for my stuff. My www.doodlesofamadman.com is just a front for much more filmic files hidden within :thumbsup:
 
Im getting a webste soon...here is the script:

EXT: Park. Day

FADE IN

17 year old BRENNA, a slim, black haired female, is lying down reading a book at Manor Park. It is a nice bright sunny day, when a teenager walks by. He looks lost, and calls to BRENNA:

TEEN

Hey, excuse me, can you tell me how to get to Danes Court?

BRENNA puts her book down, and looks up. She signals and points with her hand.

BRENNA

Um it's just over there, keep walking through that path, and turn left. It'll be the first street to your right.

BRENNA looks down at her book and begins to read.

TEEN

Oh, ok thanks a lot!

BRENNA looks up, smiles sarcastically and looks back down at her book. TEEN walks away, into the distance. Moments go by, and BRENNA looks back up. He is gone. Totally out of sight and can not be seen. BRENNA gives a strange, worried expression on her face while she looks around. She takes a breath, and continues to read.

FADE OUT

EXT: PARK. DAY

BRENNA is once again, at the park reading. It's a FRIDAY evening and it is a cloudy day. A TEEN boy from the distance can be seen, walking toward the park. As he/she moves closer in, we discover it is the same TEEN from the previous day. HE gets close and calls:

TEEN

Hey, excuse me, can you tell me how to get to Danes Court?

BRENNA looks up slow. She is confused.

BRENNA

Ya, weren't you here yesterday?

TEEN

What? No...What do you mean?

BRENNA

You came here yesterday, and asked me the exact same question.

TEEN

Oh, weird I was in Boston last night. Moved here today, and I'm just looking for a friend's street I'm suppose to be at in 5 minutes. Maybe your thinking of the wrong person?

BRENNA

I don't think I'm thinking of the wrong person when you look exactly the same, and ask the exact same question.

TEEN

I'm sorry, I can't help that. Can you tell me where it is?

BRENNA

Keep walking through that path, and turn left. It'll be the first street to your right.

BRENNA says this with anger. She bows her head and begins to read.

TEEN

Thanks a lot, have your self a nice day now.

BRENNA gives him a dirty look, and reads.
 
Maybe whenever she opens the book on that particular park bench, TEEN appears (fro 3/4 behind) and asks the question. On the third time she's suspicious of this, she closes the book, he disappears - she gasps, she slowly opens the book, he slowly appears. She asks his name, he gives it, it's a character in the book. She goes through the book, realizes the character dies at the address he's asking for. She gives him different directions so he turns left instead of right, she closes the book and watches him walk away - he doesn't disappear (obviously doesn't die).

Notes. The book should be titled something like 'true crime'.
 
I. T. Wills

Thanks dude. Just give us a special thanks credit. Let me know if you finish it.
 
It seems too short and simple, and the dialogue you put in for the idea tmnt gave to you is a bit awkward. I don't mean to be harsh, but it REALLY looks like you just rushed through the last half of the script. You need to think this out a bit more. tmnt gave you a great premise to go on, but you stuck it almost word for word into the script. I think you should expand on it, make it last a bit longer. Right now, I get the impression of:

"I'm mad at you. My book dropped and the boy is gone, what if the book is why he disappeared? Oh, how convenient, it is! I'm over that now. I remember that he dies at Danes Court (why didn't I remember Danes Court the first two times?). Lets make him go somewhere else. Yay, strange apparition boy lives."

Its a great idea, but there's nothing juicy in there. Its a skeleton. We need some meat!
 
I fixed up the last scene a tad:

ext: park. day
BRENNA is reading her book. She is deep in thought, when TEEN comes in play again.
TEEN
Hey, excuse me, can you tell me how to get to Danes Court?
Furious, BRENNA closes her book and stands up. She is shocked. She drops her book up and is in awe. The boy isn't seen anymore. He has disappeared. BRENNA slowly looks down at the dropped book, she reaches down to get it, and slowly opens it. The TEEN is now back, in the same position!
TEEN
You oh k, look like you've just seen a ghost?
BRENNA is scared.
BRENNA

Ok, did you just-

SHE pauses.

BRENNA

What happened?

TEEN

What are you talking about?

BRENNA
Ok, what's going on?
TEEN
What? I just asked you a question, are you alright?
BRENNA asks quickly
BRENNA
What's your name?
TEEN
Ugh, Booker.
BRENNA quickly shuffles through her book, and lands on a page, that says BOOKER. She looks up at BOOKER frightened.
BOOKER
You sure you're alright?

BRENNA is looking away while she answers him.
BRENNA
Y-ya, I'm ok.
She quickly realizes something. She shuffles the pages in her book again, very quickly. She reads:
Fatal death. Dane Court.
BOOKER
Ok, now I'm worried, maybe you should get on home.

BRENNA
N-no, no, you're looking for Dane Court right?
BOOKER
Ya.
BRENNA

Well, why do you want to go there?

BOOKER
Oh, it's just an old friend I want to go an visit, it's been a while.

BRENNA
Alright well you're going the wrong way. It's that way.
BRENNA points in the opposite direction
BRENNA
Two streets over to the right once you get to the end of the path.
BOOKER
Thanks a lot.
BRENNA looks down at her book. BOOKER starts to walk in the direction told by BRENNA. He stops.
BOOKER
Wait, I didn't get your name?
BRENNA
It's BRENNA.
BOOKER
OK.
He smiles and walks off. BRENNA closes her book, and BOOKER is still there, walking away into the distance. She smiles.
THE END
 
Hey Como I don't have time to read it now but i'll let you know in next few days. From the initial read thought you could probably add some small talk and try not to make the girl come off as a b**tch.
 
What is the theme of your story? What is it your're trying to say? If you figure that out, then maybe you'll be able to slap some more meat on that skeleton.
 
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