new script.....please critique

JJL

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EXT. CEMETERY - aFTERNOON

ADAM, 19 and dressed in khakis and a blue blazer, looking down at a grave. The grave is somewhat on a hill. His half-brother, JOSEPH, 31 and wearing jeans and a collared shirt, is leaning against a car. He is talking on his cell phone. The car, a small four door sedan, is down the hill and on a dirt road a few yards back.

Joseph closes is cell phone and walks up and stands beside Adam.

JOSEPH

Hey man, its getting late. We should probably get going.

Adam mournfully nods his head up and down in agreement and they walk down to the car.


INT. inside the car - MOMENTS LATER

Adam and Joseph are going down a road in the city.

Joseph is driving and has his window halfway open. He lights up a cigarette, letting go of the wheel in the process. He's not wearing a seat belt.

Adam is in the passenger seat and looking blankly straight ahead. He is wearing his seat belt.

The radio is on and there is the faint sound of music in the background.

joseph

(turning toward Adam but looking at the road on and off)

I really don't think this weekly cemetery visit thing is healthy

Adam

(still looking straight ahead)

You didn't have to come.

Joseph

I know, I know. I just thought I should pay my respects every so often. And it's really not safe to be roaming around here once it gets dark.

Joseph looks toward Adam to see if he's listening and showing any sort of emotion. Joseph suddenly pulls off to the side of the road quickly and turns off the car. He turns to face Adam.

Joseph (CONT'D)

(agitated)

Alright man. Enough is enough. I'm taking you too the that Tarot card psychic lady I've been telling you about. She really helped me get over that line of geese I ran over a few weeks back.

ADAM

(still looking straight ahead)

It was a ****ing geese.

JOSEPH

Dude, you have no idea how traumatizing it was. There I am, just driving along, then BAM! THUMP! And a little POOF. Then blood and feathers all over the place.

Adam's head drops into his hands.

Joseph (CONT'D)

Anyways...I think this psychic lady will be able to help you. It's been over two months since dad's death and it's really time to move on.

ADAM

You didn't even know him.

Joseph waits a moment then turns the car back on, throws his cigarette out the window.

Joseph

That's it. I'm taking you there no matter what.

Joseph then peels off down the road.


EXT. Outside Tarot Card place - nIGHT

Joseph pulls up the car right up in front of the Tarot place and parks on the street. Joseph gets out first. Adam waits a moment then gets out and walks behind Joseph. Joseph opens the door of the Tarot place and motions Adam to go in first.


INT. Tarot Card place

Joseph and Adam walk in. There's hanging drapes at the end of a small hallway. Adam stops.

JOSEPH

Bro, come on. How 'bout you grow a pair. Your embarrassing me.

Joseph pushes Adam forward past the drapes.

In the room past the drape sits LADY KABABALAH, around 30, white and pretty but aged, dressed in a dress and wearing a scarf on top of her head but not covering her face. There are cards spread out on the table in front of her.

LADY KABBALAH

Hello, my name is Lady Kabbalah. Please, please sit down.

Adam slowly sits down with Joseph is leaning against the wall behind him and smiling with satisfaction.

Lady Kabbalah flips around a few cards before looking up at Adam.

LADY kabbalah (CONT'D)

I've been expecting you two. The connection between two brothers can be easily recognized and felt many miles away.

She pauses and flips some more cards

LADY kabbalah (CONT'D)

(speaking to Adam)

It seems the cards are revealing there has been a great loss in your life.

Adam, who seems to of woken up a little, glances up into Lady Kabbalah's eyes but quickly looks down again at the table.

JOSEPH

Come on Adam. This isn't going to help if you get over dad if you don't start talking.

(looking toward Lady Kabbalah)

I told him how you helped me get over the guilt I felt after that geese ordeal

LADY Kabbalah

Yes, yes. I thought you looked familar.

(looking over toward Joseph and smiling)

Death is hard to get over no matter who or what is the victim. But sometimes there is some sort of mystery or unknown that keeps the spirits haunting us.

JOSEPH

Wow, that's right! They still haven't solved the mystery of who killed our dad.

ADAM

Our dad? Our dad? You hadn't seen or even talked to him in what? Like 15? 16 years?

LADY Kabbalah

(in a soothing tone and looking toward Adam)

Alright, alright. Let's not get riled up.

She moves some more cards around on the table.

LADY kabbalah (CONT'D)

Aside from the loss of your father, there seems to be something else that has been lost. Something maybe he was supposed to of left for you but was never found?

Adam looks like he's about to cry.

Joseph is still leaning against the wall but is looking down at Adam confused.

LADY Kabbalah (CONT'D)

Now, now. Let's not get upset. Even though the cards won't provide answers they sometimes can steer us in the right direction of them...Oh! This is interesting.

Adam looks up.

JOSEPH

What! What do you see? What are they telling you?

LADY Kabbalah

I keep seeing a grave and then a six. A grave and a 6. Does this have any meaning for you?

JOSEPH

No way! The six month anniversary is tomorrow. This is crazy! Man Adam, I told you she was good.

LADY ella

I would suggest to you to visit your father's grave tomorrow and see if you find some answers there.


EXT. oUTSIDE TAROT CARD PLACE - nIGHT

Joseph and Adam are walking towards the car.

JOSEPH

So? What did you think? Pretty crazy right?

Joseph goes around the front of the car to the driver door and fumbles with his keys.

JOSEPH (CONT'D)

Your going to go tomorrow right? To the grave and all?

Adam opens the passenger door.

ADAM

I'll think about it.


INT. Inside A truck - dAY

Adam sits inside his truck and seems to be contemplating something. He's parked down the road of the tarot card place.

FLASHBACK:


EXT. inside a truck - dAY

Adam is seen as a child and driving in a truck with his DAD, 50 and wearing a plaid shirt. His Dad has only his left hand on the steering wheel. Adam is starring at the watch on his left wrist that is glistening in the sun.

His Dad turns to him and looks at him and sees Adam looking at the watch.

DAD

Someday, someday...

BACK TO: inside the truck

He finally gets out and walks toward the entrance.


Ext. OUTSIDE TAROT CARD PLACE - mOMENTS LATER

Outside the tarot place sits a BIG LADY, 40 dressed in a regular dress and just a scarf tied around her neck. She is reading a fashion magazine. Adam walks up to her.

BIG ladY

(looking up at him and smiling suggestively)

Honey, can I help you with something? Come to get your fortune read have you?

ADAM

(hesitating)

Well no...I was here last night and...

BiG LADY

(interrupting)

Here last night? Honey, we ain't open on Sundays.

ADAM

(confused)

There was this other lady. Lady Habbal...

BIG LADY

(interrupting again)

There ain't no other lady but me. I'm the only one who works here. Honey, you must have been dreaming.

ADAM

Uh, yeah must of been.

(forcing a smile)

Never mind then.

As he walks away you can hear the Big Lady laugh to herself.

BIG LADY

Open on Sundays? Huh. If the good Lord says rest on the Sabbath. I will rest on the Sabbath. And that's that.

Adam is walking down the sidewalk towards his truck. He's holding his head as if a head ache is coming on and looks ahead and sees a drug store a few shops away. He starts in that direction.


EXT. outside drug store - momeNTS LATER

Adams walks past the window and looks in before opening the door. He sees LADY Habbalah, but she's wearing normal clothes and has a work apron on. He quickly moves back out of sight. He waits a moment then looks back in. He again sees Lady Habbalah and she has her apron in her arm and waves goodbye to the clerk at the register.

Adam quickly runs back to his truck. He waits until he sees Lady Kabbalah pull out from behind the drug store and begins to follow her. He pulls out his cellphone and tries to call his brother but he doesn't answer. He tries two more times before getting through.

JoSEPH

Hey man, you ever hear of actually leaving a message?

ADAM

Sorry, I just wanted to tell you...

JOSEPH

(interrupting)

Jeez man! I was trying to order some food damnit. I think the cashier messed up my order because of all the ringing.

Adam sees Lady Habbalah's car start to stop in front of a restaurant. He slows down and parks a few cars back. He sees Joseph exit from the restaurant and opens Lady Kabbalah's door. He has food in his left hand and holding a cell phone with his right hand.

Camera zooms in on the hand holding the food. On the wrist is the Dad's watch. Adam see the watch glisten in the sun and recognizes it immediately.


INT. back inside the truck

Joseph is heard on the cell phone.

JOSEPH

Adam! Are you there? Adammmmm....?

Adam realizes he's still on the phone.

ADAM

Yeah, hey uhh...

JOSEPH

You were saying something about Lady H?

ADAM

Yeah, I just wanted to tell you that I've thought about last night and think we should follow her advice and meet up at Dad's grave tonight.

JOSEPH

Man. That's good to hear. I was going to take you there at gun point if you didn't come around. Haha....

ADAM

I'll have to meet you up there though. I've...uhh...got to help a friend move some stuff.

JOSEPH

You sure? You aren't going to back out on me are you?

Adam

No, no. I'll meet you there at six alright?...Yeah I hope so too.

Adam hangs up the phone and watches his Lady Habbalah and Joseph pull away. He rests his head on the steering wheel and closes his eyes.

FAST FORWARD PICTURE OF SUN GOING FROM MIDDAY TO LATE EVENING


EXT. CEMETERY - eVENING

Lady Habbalah and Joseph are standing at the same grave Adam was in the first scene. Adam is standing close by behind a grave.

Joseph starts looking through a black bag on the ground. He pulls out some rope, duct tape and a gun.

LADY Habbalah

Glad to be finally ending all this.

JOSEPH

Yeah, I didn't think he would fall for all that tarot card ****.

LADY Habbalah

I bet he begs for his life just like his dad did.

Joseph quickly looks up at Lady Habbalah.

JOSEPH

WHAT?

Lady HabbaAlh

Come on. Don't act like you didn't know. You wanted the money as much as I did. It was pratically your plan. I just sped it up a little.

JOSEPH

I can't believe this. I had only finally met him last week.

LADY Habbalah

Funny thing is your wearing the watch he died in and you didn't even know it.. You didn't think I actually bought something that expensive for you.

Without thinking, Joseph points the gun up and shoots Lady Habbalah in the chest.

He kneels down on the ground for a minute. Adam is startled by the gun shot but gains composure and moves up right behind Joseph.

He puts the gun to his head.

ADAM

How could you? Was it the money? Were you going to make me sign over my half? Trick this Lady Habbalah into helping you out then double cross her? Huh? Is the right? Was that your twisted sadistic plan?

Before Joseph can say anything Adam shoots him in the head. Execution style.

Adam reaches down and takes the watch off of Joseph's wrist. He hears Lady Habbalah make a sound. And he walks over. He's surprised she's alive. She starts to chuckle to herself and tries to say some words but she has blood in her mouth and is having trouble.

Adam leans down to try and make what she's saying.

LADY Habbalah

(struggling to talk but smiling)

I killed your father.

Adam doesn't comprehend and leans down closer.

LADY Habbalah (CONT'D)

I killed your father you stupid ****. Joseph had no idea. He hadn't even remembered that watch belonged to your father

Adam gets up stunned with a blank look on his face. He turns around toward his brother and stares down. He leaves his gun on the ground by his feet.

Behind him we can only see Lady Habbalah's hand reach for the gun. She shoots him in the back and he falls down dead. The gun slowly slips out of Lady Habbalah's hand and she dies also.
 
Well, I like the idea.

The dialogue seems to forced, but I'm pretty sure almost everyone has problems with dialogue haha. I know i do.

But I do see some problems, like that random flashback, I understand why it's there, but it seems too random.

And the ending is a little confusing. Why were they planning to kill Adam? If Joe didn't know that Lady H killer his father then why was he going along with her to kill his brother? I think you should add some dialogue before Adam kills Joe.

These are just some ideas that I got while reading it. Take 'em or Leave 'em.

Good luck with whatever this will be used for!
 
I agree with the above poster. It seems a little confusing towards the end. Also the line "I killed your father you stupid poo poo" makes it seem like a parody of a dramatic ending. I don't know if that's what you're going for.

I do, however, like the overall story. I like the twist in the end but perhaps you should make it a little bit clearer for the reader to understand.
 
This was a joint effort and here is a revised version with the end clearing up some of the confusion. There was supposed to be some confusion but not too much that after some thought the viewer couldn't put any personal rationalization or whatever.

Here's a link to the pdf. "TAROT"

Oh, and I'm glad some of the parody came out. Since this is supposed to be a short student directed film, I thought adding some humor would fit in with the probable weak gun kill effects. And hearing the f-word (can't cuss on here?) as a noun is always amusing to me. But maybe amusing myself isn't the point?
 
I really like the overall premise but I think you could use some more dialogue at the end explaining what is happening and WHY. The shootings all seem a little too sudden. It may be that Adam shoots Joseph on impulse and then finds out the truth so that one needs to be quick. But, in my opinion, with those last words between Lady Kabbalah and Joseph - I think you could take that big line Joseph says and break it down into a few lines. I don't know, that's just my .02 cents

Also, I noticed on page 3, Adam says "You only got reacquainted last week" and later in the script Joseph says they got reacquainted right before his Dad's death. And it's supposed to be the six month anniversary.

And also, when you first introduce LADY KABBALAH her name is spelled differently.

But aside from those things I mentioned, I like where you're going with it, it's a solid idea.

I would appreciate it if you could look at my script if you had the time and give your opinion. It's just a couple of threads down from this one titled "BAD BEHAVIOR -- Short Film Script".
 
Thanks for the suggestions and pointing out some of discrepancies. I changed Lady Kabbalah's name like 5 times and tried to fix everything but failed there. For some reason I really want quick death. This was originally written for a short 10 minute film so I was trying to fit everything in and thought that too much dialogue would make the audience expect more. Short and simple. 1-2-3; seems better to me or whatever. Also stays around the parody sort of deal. Running over geese and all.

But I'll definitely change up somethings to try and make it tighter and less confusing. After reading it too many times I made up assumptions or whatever. And I'll definitely take a look at your short script. Thanks for the feedback.
 
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