New horror short in the making:

Robbie Comeau

Robbie Comeau

Como's back. back again
I want to make another horror. But this time a bit better. I want it kind of like my Stale Blood film (as shown in the User Films Section) but a little bit different.

Code: 
          EXT: DRIVEWAY. DAY                                               
                                                                           
          DARREN is packing the trunk of his mom’s car like she is         
          leaving to go somewhere for a short weekend trip. His female     
          next door neighbor friend interrupts him.                        
                                                                           
                              LISA                                         
                    Where ya off to?                                       
                                                                           
          DARREN throws a bag in the trunk.                                
                                                                           
                              DARREN                                       
                    Oh hey Lisa, I’m just packing my                       
                    mom’s trunk for her. She’s going on                    
                    a ladies weekend, and she says she                     
                    doesn’t have time to pack her                          
                    trunk. I don’t know..                                  
                                                                           
          DARREN shrugs and acts confused.                                 
                                                                           
                              LISA                                         
                    That’s sweet of you.                                   
                                                                           
                              DARREN                                       
                    Ya...                                                  
                                                                           
          He smiles.                                                       
                                                                           
                              DARREN                                       
                    So todays the big day eh?                              
                                                                           
                              LISA                                         
                    Yup, well were already moved in. We                    
                    just came back for a few little                        
                    things we forgot.                                      
                                                                           
                              DARREN                                       
                    Cool, cool. So your about 15                           
                    minutes from here?                                     
                                                                           
                              LISA                                         
                    Ya, just off the lake shore. I’m on                    
                    Vincent Street. House number 456.                      
                    Come visit me sometime!                                
                                                                           
          LISA gives off a nice, sweet smile to DARREN. He gives it        
          back.                                                            
                                                                           
                              DARREN                                       
                    Yes, ya of course I will. I’d come                     
                    tonight and see the house, but I                       
                    got hockey practice till 11:30. So                     
                    it might be a little late.                             
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           

          CONTINUED:                                              2.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                              LISA                                         
                    Ya, ok well maybe another time.                        
                    Just give my cell a buzz because I                     
                    might be out.                                          
                                                                           
                              DARREN                                       
                    For sure Lisa.                                         
                                                                           
                              LISA                                         
                    Ok, I’m gonna jet, see ya!                             
                                                                           
                              DARREN                                       
                    Good luck with your new house.                         
                                                                           
                              LISA                                         
                    Thanks!                                                
                                                                           
          LISA waves to DARREN as she runs to ward her house in the        
          distance. DARREN stares her down as she goes off.                
                                                                           
                                                                           
          INT: LISA’S ROOM. NIGHT                                          
                                                                           
          LISA is on the phone with her friend. She is laying flat         
          stomach down on her bed, with her legs sticking up in the        
          air, waving side to side.                                        
                                                                           
                              LISA                                         
                    Mm, ya I like it. I just have to                       
                    get used to it. But you [I]have[/I] to see                    
                    the basement. I’m going to have [I]so[/I]                     
                    many parties down there. It’s huge!                    
                    We have a pool table, a 60 inch TV,                    
                    a bar, and an exercise.                                
                                                                           
          LISA waits a bit.                                                
                                                                           
                              LISA                                         
                    Ya totally, like next weekend                          
                    maybe.                                                 
                                                                           
          A sound is heard from the computer.                              
                                                                           
                              LISA                                         
                    Oh, my secret admirer just messaged                    
                    me.                                                    
                                                                           
          LISA gets up and sits on her bed.                                
                                                                           
                              LISA                                         
                    Oh I know he’s my age, and I know                      
                    as a fact he’s not going to hurt me                    
                    ha. He’s nice, he lives about 10                       
                    minute from here.                                      
                                                                           
                                                           (CONTINUED)     
                                                                           

          CONTINUED:                                              3.       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                              LISA                                         
                    Ya we might, I think he wants to                       
                    take me to coffee. But listen, I’m                     
                    gonna go, I’ll you later ok? Ok,                       
                    bye Jess.                                              
                                                                           
          LISA hangs up the phone and gets into her computer chair.        
          She looks at the screen. There is a message popped up and it     
          says "Hey Lisa."                                                 
                                                                           
          LISA begins to type. "Hey! How are you?" STRANGER: "Not bad,     
          just listening to Death Metal".  LISA: "Oh cool." STRANGER:      
          "I want to see you." LISA: "Oh, ok when?" STRANGER: "Now."       
          LISA: "Isn’t it kind of sudden?" STRANGER: "No. Not at all       
          Lisa." LISA: "Um, well ok. Where do you want to meet?"           
          STRANGER: "By the school, you know Saint Ryan’s Public           
          School?" LISA: "Ya, I used to go there. Ok, I’ll you meet        
          there in 10." STRANGER: "Great. See ya then."                    
                                                                           
                                                                           
          EXT: SCHOOLYARD. EVENING                                         
                                                                           
          LISA is walking through a path to get to the school. She has     
          a scarf around her neck, with tight jeans. She has on a          
          black coat, and she is warming her self because it is quite      
          cold out side. She gets to a curb, and sits down. She looks      
          at her watch, and then looks up, resting her hands on her        
          legs. She looks back and forth. She hears a noise in the         
          near distance. She looks curious and gets up. She reaches a      
          big, green box.                                                  
                                                                           
                              LISA                                         
                    "Hello?"                                               
                                                                           
          She enters in, and looks around. She sees nothing. As she is     
          about to leave, a big bag gets wrapped around her face. She      
          has trouble breathing and is flailing her arms around. We        
          see the hands of a man, holding the bag around her, until        
          she drops. Her heads hits the ground.                            
                                                                           
                                                          CUT TO BLACK     
                                                                           
                                                                           
          EXT: DARK ROOM. NIGHT
 
Last edited:
Right away the dialogue contains too much exposition.

The green box needs more description. What is it? Why does she go inside?
 
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I personally don't find the introductory convo too expository -- assuming all that info is really necessary to the story. It does come across as a bit stilted and unnatural, but that could be remedied. And I agree -- the box needs a bit more description.

My concern is there is almost TOO much description of mundane things that are irrelevant to the story or characters. Like "She is laying flat stomach down on her bed, with her legs sticking up in the air, waving side to side." What's the point of this description? It's almost like you're trying to tell the actors exactly how to move -- which is fine if there is some purpose to the movement that is necessary to the plot. But this doesn't seem to be.

Also, why go into such detail about what Lisa is wearing -- scarf around her neck, tight jeans, black coat? I thought the scarf was going to be relevant -- like the Killer would use it to strangle her -- but no such luck. My rule of thumb is not to describe wardrobe unless what the character is wearing is important to the story somehow, or somehow establishes the time frame of the scene -- like wearing pajamas could indicate it's bedtime, a business suit means it's time for work, etc. It's not a hard and fast rule, but I try to follow it when I can.

Otherwise, it seems a fairly decent start. Keep going!
 
Thanks for the feedback!

chapelgrovefilms, I thought when writers write a screenplay, that they had to describe the story as best as you could. So the scene in her room, I thought I had to describe it well. I'm guessing i can just put something like:

She is laying down on her bed, talking to her friend
 
TheComo said:
Thanks for the feedback!

chapelgrovefilms, I thought when writers write a screenplay, that they had to describe the story as best as you could. So the scene in her room, I thought I had to describe it well. I'm guessing i can just put something like:

She is laying down on her bed, talking to her friend
Click to expand...
If it were a spec script you would want to tell the best story in as few words as possible, in order to make it a quick read.

Since you seem to be writing it for yourself you can get away with including a lot more details, but do so carefully. Page length is used in scheduling your shooting days, and you want the page to accurately reflect the length of the scene.

I try to stick to the details that the camera eye is going to linger on, and nothing more.
 
agcohn has it right. Describe what's important, leave the rest to the direction, production designer, etc.

Does your character look at the alarm clock and realize she's late for something? Then state there's an alarm clock sitting on the table beside the bed. If the clock isn't relevant to anything that happens in the scene, then don't describe it.
 
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