Need some writing technique advice on a 5 page script.

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Nathan.Buxton

Well-known member
hey guys. I'm beginning work on a screenplay for a feature film and i've come up with a sample of what the main character and the style of the movie will be. the scenes wont neccessarily be in the movie, although it does fit in with the tone and theme of the movie. I just need advice on the writing techniques.

I know for sure there is too much action.. but the scene is supposed to be about the subtle details... and although they are subtle, they need to be written. and well when it's written it doesnt seem so subtle.

could anyone give me some tips on that?

and also, how does the dialogue sound? especially in the second scene at the police station. I'm a little iffy on it... but i need someone else's brutally hones opinion.

Please, if you would take a few minutes to read this sample and comment i would be very appreciative.

here is the link:

http://www.mediafire.com/?2ghnmg4ydnm
 
ok well.. since nobody has seemed to read it or reply..

the link will take you to a page that you just click thw download now link and it will pop up in your web browser as its an html file.. so no real downloading neccesary..

also.. ill give you a short synopsis:
theres a guy... and something happens to him, then he tries to solve it.... but it ends in a perplexing situation!@?

ok not that exciting. but please just a little advice!! its really short i promise you it wont take more than 3 minutes of your time.
 
Well I've filed police reports without IDs so I'm not sure on the facts on that one.

Otherwise, you need to figure out your story and just start writing - this right here is generally pretty bland. Not because of anything in particular, just the fact that nothing really happens. This would be fine for something in the middle of the movie, but for the beginning, you need something that will grab the viewer. They'll give you precious little time at the beginning to say "Why should I watch this movie?" and that's gonna be your big issue.

As it is now, I know very little about the character. I know that he went and sat next to a girl because he thinks she's cute and some other guy was giving her the googly eyes, but I have no idea why he decided to do it, why it was important, or why this other guy decided to be a total dick and steal the briefcase. Maybe you can explain it all in the course of the movie, but I need a lot more to want to keep going.

The screenwriter's mantra is: show up late and leave early. Treat that as your approach to the scenes. Dump me in the middle of the story. Make things start happening.

More importantly, if you haven't read any books on screenwriting, really, do yourself a favour and just read for a while. I recommend Story by Robert McKee, though my first book was "Making a good script great." That's more about structure and form but both definitely helped me learn the art from both the technical standpoint and the artistic standpoint.

What you have now shows that you know how to write something, but you just need to figure out a really solid idea of what you want to show, say and do, and just refine the hell out of your ideas and writing.
 
I think the majority of page one is too wordy. Your not a poet, your a screenwriter. My advice would be to cut out the excess and try to focus. Why are those little subtle things so important? they're distracting to read and unnecesary.
In regards to your dialogue at the police station, congrats for recognizing that it doesnt feel right. The back and forth is way too redundant. Also when he leaves the station and talks to himself (you need to indicate that by the way), he talks waaay too long about nothing. Imagine yourself in that situation, would you really just stand there and say 10 lines of nothing?
I think your on to something but it reads like a first draft. Just rewrite and reword it until youve molded it into a great script.
 
I read it. You are right, not much happens. I would add that nothing interesting happens. I don't mean action, I mean interesting. Hard to glean a feature from a few pages so I am not sure what kind of criticism you want

Okay, first question I would ask myself if I was writing a scene like this is, "Who is Steven?" Write a biography of the character, as detailed as possible. This isn't to include in the screenplay necessarily, but it will flesh him out. I don't have a sense of him. "there's a guy" is boring. Films uncover the humanity in us and there shouldn't be "some guy." There should be a specific guy.

Then I would ask myself, what does he want. What is motivating his action. You want to be subtle, but subtle does not mean don't be specific. Why does he keep moving seats? Freud said there are no accidents, why does this happen to him? Distracted? Why?

What are you trying to relate to the audience? I have no sense of it.

The dialogue at the police station needs work. The frustration feels canned. Although the character might be thinking those things, he wouldn't go into a tirade like that IMO. Also it doesn't seem practical that the police would not be of more assistance. The lack of assistance seems contrived to create drama.

I think the pacing is fine if the scene advances a story. (slow pacing is a hammer a writer can use, Sling Blade, Fargo etc.) I think the descriptions are succinct which is good. Hope this is helpful.
 
heh! well thats cool i got a lot of different advice i like that.

I was looking more for criticism and feedback on simply the technical style of the writing. how could i improve it straight off the bat? i havent actually started writing the screenplay.. this is just a few test scenes.

I have already done fairly extensive character development and very thorough story planning... so i'm not worried about that.

adding to that.. these scenes arent even in the story. i was simply doing a test piece of writing based in Steven Price's world. These two scenes could take place in the timeframe of the movie, but are not about the story in any way. They are simply practice.

The feedback you guys have given me so far is great! i appreiate it! but some of it i have already considered. I was looking more for specific things i can cut out of the action. What specifically is awkward to you and what might make it an easier read? I really want this script to shine because ive been working the story for about a year now and have spent some time recently putting pen to paper and i believe i have a firm enough grasp of the story to start writing. This won;t be the first feature length screenplay i write, but i want it to be the first good one.


now some more info about the first scene:

This was intended to introduce the chracter. I realize now it obviously did not do a good job as it is hardly the setting... in fact the character probably couldnt be described with sub-text in one scene. This scene was supposed to show that he is kind of... almost obsessed with women. But, even though he is obsessed he is pretty clumsy with them too. This was supposed to all tie in with the fact that he is happily married... but so "happily married" that its driving him nuts. It was just supposed to show that he feels stuck. he tries to meet new people but it just never comes to life. Thus the feeling/pace of the scene.

The police scene, however, was thrown in because the first scene simply doesnt do ANYTHING for steven's character. So i quickly made something that could happen after a bum (i guess i should say hes homeless) steal's his briefcase. I know the ID thing is bogus, but i was just looking more for ways to technically improve the dialogue, not imrpove the story. there is no story :S


In a sense the story can be related to pink floyd's the wall (lame i know) in that his marriage was just "another brick." There are other fairly basic factors in his life that displease him such as a mundane yet seemingly good career. and friends who are good... but somewhat boring...

and yes.. i see now that all these "problems" seem pretty tame and kind of silly.. but.. i want the film to be more about Steven's mental state of mind. He has come as far as he can in his career (mortgage or insurance broker or something), his wife is too nice. they always get along. it almost infuriates him that she is too perfect. His friends all want to drink at the same place every night.. it's always the same. not too bad, but not extravagant or exotic.

Growing up he always wanted the exotic playboy lifestyle. He wanted to be rich and suave and capable of anything. He feels so powerless in such a perfect world. But, he only feels that way because of his own perception of what his life "should" have been.

Ok without blabbering on too much more, there is more to the story... in fact alot more. what i wrote coul be on the back of the DVD case... its just the surface. But thats not the issue...



HEH

CLIFF NOTES:

Any technical advice on how to write differenetly in that style, in those kinds of situations, to make it more appealing, grabbing, fluent and realistic?
 
I haven't read it yet, but every time I post something someone always beats me to the punch and damnit, I'm not going to let that happen this time. ;)

My first thought (and I will follow it up with additional thoughts once I've read it) is, why even write scenes that you know won't make it into the script? You can accomplish the same goal (giving people a taste of your writing style) by writing the first 10 pages. Then, in addition to getting criticism on your technique, you've also given people the opportunity to critique one of the most important parts of the script. Like mrWr0ng said, you need something that will grab the reader. If its not there, we can tell you.
 
Considering how much one winds up throwing out of a good screenplay, it seems doubly useless to write scenes without the intent of using them.

I wrote a couple of shorts before I did my first feature length, but the only reason I considered doing that was that I was in a screenwriting class that took us step-by-step through the process and I wrote at the same pace I went through the class. If I hadn't been in that situation, there's no way I'd have tried writing a feature so soon and I'm the kind of guy who, in the right mood, can do 10, 20 pages in a night.

That said, one of my favourite screenplays I wrote started out as just hand writing some conversations between two people in my head while I was at the pub. I explored those characters with just a bullsh*t-style conversation between them, but I wound up liking it so much I wrote the rest of the film around them and included most of that original dialogue (much was cut or re-written, but the original essence made it in). If it's right, it can stay in, but you'll have to do a lot of soul-searching on figuring out who your characters are.

In other words, if you don't know why steven is helping this girl or why this girl responds to him or what happens to them after, you've got big problems. You should know clearly where you're going as you write this, because you haven't yet developed the ability to write blind.
 
some defineate god advice has come from this. My story can't be linear. I will have to start it off with parts of something that pans out later in the movie. I don't like writing flashbacks, it's too much of a cop out. But, I guess for this one since i want the story played linearly (is that a word?), I'll have to grab something from later in the story (juicy action) and tease the audience a little. I'm hoping that would be enough to grab the reader/viewer's attention and wonder how steven got to that point from where he is when the linear story begins.

Also... I don't know really why i wrote these without the full intention of them being in the full script. I guess I was just trying to figure out my writing style before i attempted the script. This story is a lot more character and emotion driven than the other feature i worked on, so I''m still kind of wrapping my head around the idea of writing a story that isn't driven by things that happen so much asit is driven by the character's own concious and sub-concious.

I think you guys are right; I need to do more work still on Steven's Character. Although i know exactly what he will be feeling and what those feelings make him do... I don't know enough about the specifics of his mannerisms or style of his communication.

Come to think of it, i haven't even really made solid decisions about his relationship with his wife... let alone the character of his wife as she turns out to be a prominent subject in the conclusion.

thanks guys. Please keep any more advice coming i appreciate it very much.

And again, if you spot any errors or bad habits in the sense of traditional script writing techniques, please let me know.
 
from what i heard, quentin tarantino wrote pulp fiction all in order, then rearranged the scenes in post. regardless of whether or not it's true, if you're not 100% sure on your story and your timeline, write it in order and make sure everything is there before you go playing around with timelines
 
oh it will be completely linear, but just with an intro scene from later in the story. after that it will start from scratch and play out fully
 
The only thing I noticed is that in one of the first paragraphs you switch back and forth between the active and passive tense. Ive heard of some writers avoiding passive like the plague, but in instances it can work - I think you should take it out there though.

Id also work on condensing some of your action. It gets the point across, but we also get a little too much info on characters' posture, where theyre looking etc.. Other than that it looks pretty strong to me.
 
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