Need Opinions Please!

C

cl0n3b4by

Member
I want to be a director/writer when I grow up (the surprise:Drogar-BlackEye(DBG) . Anyways I am slightly "grown" up and I want to tackle my first project. It is extremely personal to me. its the tale of my father and his trial and tribulation during the Iranian revolution and war. I was wondering shall I continue the script and see where it leads are hollywood would not be interested cause Persepolis (great movie) just came out. I mean my dads story has a lot going for it for hollywood and he does not believe me. He had a street battle in front of his house, took part in Black Friday and ran with an underground Marxist type group etc.... So shall I continue or just go on to a new project? Thank you so much xD
 
Thank you , I have already written 10 pages but I have to go back and rewrite my dad got events switched up o wellxD
 
cl0n3b4by said:
Thank you , I have already written 10 pages but I have to go back and rewrite my dad got events switched up o wellxD
Click to expand...

A lot of people IMHOP get hamstrung by trying to stay totally faithful to the actual events. I try and maintain the spirit and theme of the real story but the rest is a chunk of clay as far as I'm concerned. Real life doesn't usually unfold in classic three act structure.

Not saying what you should or shouldn't do, just suggesting alternatives.
 
cl0n3b4by said:
Thank you , I have already written 10 pages but I have to go back and rewrite my dad got events switched up o wellxD
Click to expand...

you should just interview your dad first -- get it all down, all the "raw material". then lock yourself away for six months and write write write.
 
Intending to do that :D . these have been my bed time stories my entire life better write them down. I will see what the end result is anyways. And I plan to take the actual events, there is alot of filler but I want to focus on the aspect of a teenager and a young adult. Living in a time and acting in a way he should regular teenage things but the pressure built around him not too.
 
cl0n3b4by said:
Intending to do that :D . these have been my bed time stories my entire life better write them down. I will see what the end result is anyways. And I plan to take the actual events, there is alot of filler but I want to focus on the aspect of a teenager and a young adult. Living in a time and acting in a way he should regular teenage things but the pressure built around him not too.
Click to expand...

Be sure and organize the script around a central problem or conflict. A lot of people have done crazy, diverse, extraordinary things and think that means a movie or script should be done about it. Uh uh. Not that easy. You need structure-- a spine for your story. For example, can your dad escape to America, or can your dad reconcile the need to conform to his conservative family with his revolutionary aspirations. You need something that will connect every scene and build momentum as the story unfolds.
 
Well yes , he did alot of hopping and he finally fled.It follows around a decade of his life starting 1978 to 1988. It follows a same linear course but the events that surround it along the way
 
What is your end goal?

1. Write/direct it yourself.

2. Direct it as indie.

3. Sell story to Hollywood.


Soooo, let's say it's 1. and you want to write and direct this little indie yourself. Go ahead and write it. If however you want to direct this more than write it, tell your story to a screenwriter and they'll write it for you. If however you want to sell your story to Hollywood #3, then I suggest you spend the next 3-5 years learning everything you can about screenwriting.

Writing is like fencing, it takes TIME to figure out. Hollywood may like the heart you put into it, but may decide you're not a good enough writer and then mangle your story until it's unrecognizable.

My suggestion is that you make it yourself and toss it out to a few festivals, see where it leads.
 
I would make it myself but the budget would be too big. Its quite "epic" in some parts. I would hope I could do it but I am young 3-5 years I have patience
 
Fade In

EXT.Jaleh square,tehran-day -Establishing

SUperimpose:Jaleh Square,tehran September 8 1978

The waves of people consume the screen.All senses are focused on the throbbing masses. Men and woman in unison screaming from the top of there lungs. There hands high in defiance. Signs perched high above there shoulder hands fastened tight.

The focus is then put on two people in the crowd , ALI KHAKPOUR, 15 and his sister MARY KHAKPOUR, 22.Both there voices joining the chorus of the demonstration.

Ali

Dad, is going to kill us...
Mary

(Her mind elsewhere)

You have nothing to fear from him.Only be scared if the Shah is in power for much longer.

He reluctantly does as he gets engrossed by the mob mentality surprised by the tone of his voice.

Mary

(She starts to release tension)

There is really nothing to worry about

Ali

(His face now beaming up)

You where right I am sorry hold yours hi-

Suddenly a gun shot is heard and like the eye of the storm the surroundings turn silent and eerie as if everything has slowed down.Although now it has speed twice as fast.
Mass Pandemonium breaks out amongst the crowd on cue the sky is filled with the sound of rotating blades. The horrific rhythmic sound of tank tracks consume the ground. Soldiers seep from the corner cutting the demonstrators off from the outside. They where now sheep trapped in a pen waiting to be slaughtered.

ALI now realizes he has been cut of from his sister.Hes senses obscured ,his vision blurred.The surrounding mayhem blocking any judgement.

Ali

(feebly yells out)

Mary, Mary! Where are you.MARY!

Her body is consumed by the now stampeding mob as her voice faintly calls out for her brother.

The shots now are frequently being played off ,without care.

A Man in front of Ali falls dead clutching his chest as a stream of blood flows from between his fingers. Eyes blank staring at the skies.
The helicopters blades are now acquainted with a new sound bullets richoceting of the chamber into the crowd without care. Like stones being cast from the sky more and more people seem to fall.

As well the streets are now filled with soldiers and tanks the demonstrators break free and scatter among the town.

ALI finds an opening with the throng of panicking citizens he bursts into a small desolated street with few other fleeing protesters..His sister now lost in the crowd he stops but yet again he hears a new adversary.

Across from him a water tank slowly crawls in as if it was seeping the doom and horror etched on the faces of the people trapped.

ALI'S face hardened he realized the troops and tanks where behind him and he was trapped.The faint sounds of helicopters and deadly bullets still filled the land.

The tank without warning consumes the frightened citizens with steaming water . There screams now filled the crowd ALI feels his body being absorbed by the water as he suddenly is thrown into the air by it.

The street now silent except for the slight cry of the wounded. The able body now returning to the comforts of there home. ALI gets up and surveys the land

Broken windows, shattered tiles , smoke and small fires obscure his view . He gets up gingerly and walks home.







this is the rough first page opinions are welcomed :P xD
 
I like it. It put me there. A bit wordy though. I'd like it better if was leaned out. Some formatting issues too. Do you know how to format?
 
Last edited:
Starting too I need to get final draft don't have the money I am using Celtx. Although if you guys have any tips and things to improve then thank y you very much. Its the rough part I have to tweak it a little bit add more dialogue. Its how I envisioned it when my dad told me what happened on Black Friday
 
The greatest films are stories like this...that have passion...have drive and are hard as hell to get made, but well worth the fight. Don't worry about editing until you have a first draft completed...even if it's 300 pages. Get it all down. I like the fact that these were your bedtime stories. That might be a method for delivery of the information. Scripts are about life...but only the exciting parts...cut out the boring parts and you'll have something worth fighting for. I'm all out for selling out just to get to great scripts like this one can be. Keep at it...it's always good to have more than one script going in case you get stuck...and need to sell out to the Hollywood machine. This is a gem!
 
Why thank you , hahah your welcome. I will I rewrote the beginning its nothing like this my dad told me a different story gets his facts right. But it works better, now its a burning movie theatre xD muwhahah xD
 
Kess said:
The greatest films are stories like this...that have passion.... Don't worry about editing until you have a first draft completed...even if it's 300 pages. Get it all down. I like the fact that these were your bedtime stories.
Click to expand...

Yeah. Let it rip. I think you're inspired. Write the hell out of it and see what happens.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top