Need help with short script, apocalyptic story

crazymcnutjob

crazymcnutjob

Active member
Hi there,

I've been writing a short script called "Pancakes" to be shot for a film class at my school. The story is focused around an arguing couple during their last few hours of existence. To solve the problem, our protagonist makes pancakes for his girlfriend to remedy whatever issue they had before the end catches up to them. The script I have now is primarily situational; trying to get most of its power from the event/moment rather than from the characters in it. Problem is, I, as well as my other peers who have read it, feel that not enough is explained through the context of the story and characters. Other elements I feel are lacking as well.

I would be eternally greatful to anyone who would take the time to read this 3/4 page script and give me some critical feedback/insight and perhaps some potential ideas as to strengthen it. Thank you!

you can download the script here:
http://www.enzymefilms.com/pancakes3rd.pdf
 
not enough is explained through the context of the story and characters
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what are you trying to get across? Right now, on an elementary level, I get; war is hell but pancakes taste good. Do you have a theme you're trying to get across?
 
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What I'm trying to highlight are ideas about domestic institutionalization (if that makes any sense) and how relationships complicate that, as well as subtle undertones of how denial allows us to maintain our sanity but consequently shields us from the real issues we should be facing.
 
Are you limited to this length? Yes, there are a lot of background and motivation aspects missing, but in a script this short, it's to be expected. I actually think you do a fairly decent job, considering.

My notes:
1) the script is unnecessarily confusing, from a formatting standpoint. You introduce us to Jason towards the bottom of page 2, but he's been there from the start. We've already seen JASON'S ROOM, in fact. There's no twist or reveal, in fact we never learn his name at all. So let's just call a rose a rose and make him JASON on page one.

2) same with Caroline. "...the beach is occupied by a woman. That woman is Caroline." In a script, economy of words is key. Why not just "Caroline sits at the picnic table in the middle of the beach." Or, if you're going for that staccato style, "A picnic table in the middle of the beach. Caroline sits there." Overall, if you simplify your descriptions down to the minimum, I think you'll find this script is even shorter than you think it is. The script isn't bad but it definitely could use more clarity.

3) I'm a bit unclear on perspective here. It seems like the radio static is at least partially only in Jason's mind? But I'm not certain of that. I should know, by the end.

4) okay. the pancakes. why does he make pancakes? I understand the general idea: craving for normalcy, comfort of home. But he deliberately makes pancakes for two. Is this out of habit, or intention? Again, I can't tell. If he's done it intentionally, what exactly is he doing with those other pancakes? Does he KNOW that Caroline's going to be waiting down on the beach? He seems to; he goes to her. What is the change that makes him go; why doesn't he go there immediately? If he knows she's down at that spot, there must be something special about it. Give us that. Let us know, hint at least, about that bench on the beach. Is this where Jason was going to propose? It it just where Caroline goes EVERY time she gets mad? She gets mad all the time, then? What's it like putting up with her, then? Must be awful. But is it more, or less awful, on this particular day? Answering that last question should give you the soul of your piece, I think.

Sorry if a lot of that comes across like rambling. Hopefully there's something useful in there.
 
Well I get that a lot with art films. Lot's of well intended deep meanings but it's all lost on me. You'd have to roll up your script and hit me over the head with it and explain it when I turn around for me to get it. So with that, I think I'll bow out of this thread. Good luck with it.
 
If your script is about coping with annihilation then I wouldn't change anything. It works for me, esp in that you use fragments of radio traffic to hint something real bad is happening but don't go into detail. That's storytelling. I don't know what you're talking about with domestic institutionalization though....

The scope of the project in terms of production value is ambitious, esp the final scene--the explosions etc.
 
i have been forced to write those silent one-minute short for classes before and i know how hard it is to cram all of your ambition into one minute but i think that script can work for what it is...a love story. the best minute films in my class were the ones that had some sort of twist or pay off in the last 10 seconds...and if you can make the end of the world thing work visually it is quite the twist.

i hope you have some good actors. and if you do...can i get their contact info? :-)

ps. that was a lot longer than 3/4 of a page.
 
thematthewbone said:
ips. that was a lot longer than 3/4 of a page.
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Yeah, I wouldn't have read it if I knew it was four pages. I feel like I should get my money back or something...
 
I didin't read the script but remember your protagonist can't cook pancakes for the whole movie. He needs to have a desire and he will do anything to get what he wants. His first try should be simple but unsuccessful, second try should be something biger and third try even bigger. Don't forget about inciting incident, action that triggered the story, that broke the peace . That is pretty much basics .
 
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