Need feedback! Learning writer with a short script

J

Jester2138

Well-known member
Hello all! I've had major insecurity about writing for a long time, but every now and then try to force myself to write something anyway. I really feel at home behind the camera, not the script, but sometimes I do have a story I'd like to pen myself.

So I literally just this minute finished a quick draft of a story and thought I'd get feedback before I pursued this much further.

I'm always inspired by music, and this is what I listened to while I wrote (skip to 2 minutes in or so): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtCpttsZiys&feature=related

I'll put the script in the next draft.

BTW - I assume posting this isn't a stupid idea. I'm a student filmmaker and honestly don't care if someone else makes this too, as long as they credit me as the writer...
 
EXT. REMOTE ROAD - NIGHT

We are on a moonlit road snaking through a forest. Smoke
floats darkly in the air. On the side of the road we see a
flipped car with its headlights still on. A turn signal
blinks lazily. SAM, bleeding from his forehead, lies on the
opposite side of the road. He GROANS and tries to crawl
towards his car. Reaching his hand out in front of him, he
tries to gain traction.

SAM
(painfully)
****!

His hand is shaking.

SAM
(determined, but in pain)
Come on, Sam!

He moves slowly, in bursts. The car is still a dozen or more
yards away. Sam GROANS and rests his forehead on the ground.

SAM
(moaning)
Aah!

He rolls over on his back, breathing hard. His eyes stare at
the stars. Suddenly he notices a light through the trees,
gradually coming closer. It separates into two lights and he
realizes that they're headlights from a car. He looks around
him, knowing he's lying in the middle of the road. Blood is
pooling on the ground below him.

SAM
(frustrated)
Goddamnit!

He rolls over again and tries to move out of the middle of
the road. The car is closer now. Sam raises his arm in the
air and waves it.

SAM
(angry)
Stop, dammit!

The car slows and stops right in front of Sam, who breaths
hard as he looks up at the bumper. The door opens and a man
slowly steps out, calmly walking towards Sam.

SAM
(relieved)
Hey, buddy...

He coughs. The man is now standing next to Sam. Sam looks up
towards his face. Suddenly Sam looks afraid. The man is
wearing a black ski mask.

MAN
(calmly)
Hello, Sam.

SAM
(confused and afraid)
Who are you?

The man kneels next to Sam and points towards the wrecked
car.

MAN
Look over there.

Sam turns his head, confused. Now we see that next to the
car there is another body. Sam looks terrified. The body is
Sam, another Sam. The real Sam.

Sam looks away from the car and looks at his bloody hand,
then at the man.

SAM
(afraid)
What's going on?

MAN
You are dying, Sam.

SAM
What do you mean? I'm not dying!

MAN
You don't understand, Sam.

He points to the car again.

MAN
You're over there. This...

He touches Sam's shoulder.

MAN
... is not real.

There is a pause as Sam digests this.

SAM
What am I, then? Is this the
afterlife?

MAN
No. Humanity doesn't have a word
for it. I'm sorry that I can't
explain further. You must come with
me, Sam.

Sam groans and sits up, a little stronger now. He holds his
arm, as if it's broken.

SAM
No, you need to call an ambulance
or something...

MAN
(sadly)
I can't do that, Sam.

SAM
You've got to do something! Someone
should find me!

He looks down the road, hoping for more headlights.

MAN
Let's go, Sam.

SAM
No! Tell me what happens when we
die.

MAN
(calmly)
Death is a soul losing its grip on
your dimension and slipping into
another one.

SAM
Is that what's happening to me?

MAN
Yes.

Sam stares at the man for a moment, then stands up fully,
crying out in pain. The man stands up with him.

MAN
There's nothing you can do!

SAM
Shut up!

Sam stumbles towards the car. Suddenly, the man appears in
front of him.

MAN
Don't be a fool.

SAM
(painfully)
Get out of my way!

Sam stumbles and falls, yelling as his arm is crushed
beneath his torso. He sits back up, looking around him on
the ground.

MAN
I'm sorry, Sam.

The man walks towards Sam, who is furiously searching the
ground.

MAN
(confused)
What are you doing?

Sam doesn't answer, but his fingers close around a shard of
glass from the windshield. He rolls back over and looks up
and the man.

SAM
What is this body for?

MAN
Carrying your soul.

Sam smiles and brings the glass to his throat. The man
lunges forward.

MAN
(angrily)
No!

Sam yanks the glass across his neck, spraying blood down his
shirt. The man YELLS in fury. Sam collapses completely.

Suddenly, the man and his car are gone. The camera flies
over to the wrecked car and Sam's real body, closing in on
his face. With a surprising amount of force, Sam's eyes fly
open and he gasps for air.

The end.
 
Wow that is a powerful piece of music... No wonder your mind conjured up a story haha My mind started wandering too!
May I have a look at your idea?
I too am starting a new project. Show and tell, I promise I won't yell.

-------
Aatif
 
Sorry didn't realize you had it up so quickly.
Hey I reckon you should start beefing this up!
My only question is, that if Sam is already dead and that is his "ghost" then how come he's in pain? but then again that does make the effect of his self throat cutting action more significant.
To be honest I reckon you should pad it up.
I really liked how Sam took control at the end. Ya know what would be interesting? when at the end Sam opens his eyes and looks around and sees yet ANOTHER Sam...
 
Interesting script.

One thing I notice of beginners is their dependancy on dialogue. You seem to rely heavily on using dialogue to explain your story. But film is a visual medium, and there's something about a script that uses very little dialogue yet tells a compelling story.

I think you're script could use most, if not all the dialogue thrown out. Especially near the beginning. Maybe the actor would improvise it a bit, but he was just in a car accident, why's he telling a car to stop (as if the car would hear him)? It's just telling us what we already know, that he's trying to wave down a car.

Same with the dialogue about Sam being in the car. Take it all out and it would still work, and may be even more compelling. A man simply grabs him, and as he's being dragged Sam notices his body in the car... that leaves far more of an impact. Plus the audience would understand just fine what's going on.

Try to cut down on the dialogue to make it more compelling. After all, he was just in a car accident, he wouldn't be all chatty. Plus near the end, try to limit the dialogue. sometime's it's better to write it without dialogue then add only what you need for it to make sense, or else people go overboard with the dialogue.

Last thing is, why does the man picking him up look like a robber? The black ski-masked man is a poor excuse for a grim reeper/angel person thing. Why not just without a mask? All the acting can then come out of the face rather than the dialogue.
 
Like Jon touched on, there is a lot of expository dialogue here that needs to be written out.

Also, a script is a blueprint for filmmaking so you should only be writing what we see & hear. You use the phrase "We see..." a few different times here. "We" are not in the film so that shouldn't be in the script. Since we are reading a screenplay, a blueprint for filmmaking, it's safe to assume that we know we'll be seeing whatever you describe.

I agree with Jon on the point about the ski mask too. Why does this character dress like he's about to rob a bank? Just pick a creepy looking actor or, if you don't want to show his face, use a lot of shadows to hide it or just keep his head out of the shot at all times.

That's my 2 cents. If you're serious about improving your craft, go to www.moviepoet.com and enter a few of their free monthly 5 page script contests. You'll get constructive feedback from 30-40 people each month and iron the kinks out of your craft quicker than you can type Fade Out.

Write on.

Brian
 
Thanks guys! I had a feeling there was too much dialogue. And yes, I actually meant to delete the sentence where it says the creepy guy has a ski mask but must have forgot. Oh well... My man problem is figuring out how to get across the concepts behind of the out-of-body experience without much dialogue. If the guy just shows up and starts draggin Sam away, then I'm afraid it will seem more like a kidnapping and less like death. Oh yes, and I agree with you Jon, it would be way cooler if Sam just notices his other body.. Hey, maybe he's stumbling back to the car, and he trips over himself... Hmm.... haha. And the reason he can still be injured even though he's dead is because his new "body" is not real, it's just sorta what he thinks of himself, and he knows he was just in an accident, so he thinks he's all messed up. Anyway, those are my thoughts. Thanks for the comments.
 
Jester2138 said:
My man problem is figuring out how to get across the concepts behind of the out-of-body experience without much dialogue. If the guy just shows up and starts draggin Sam away, then I'm afraid it will seem more like a kidnapping and less like death.
Click to expand...

What's wrong with that? I'm not saying that's what people should get out of the film as a whole, but as the saying goes, keep your audience guessing. Make people wonder what it is at first. Make it seem like a kidnapping. Then when they see the second body they realize 'hmm, maybe it's not a kidnapping, what's going on?' A touch of dialogue is fine, but don't use it as a scapegoat.

Also remember that the audience is not stupid (well not everyone). If a guy sees his own body at an accident, people will know he's dead and he's out of his body. I did. What else would they think, that he's a clone, or it's his twin? That's far less likely.
 
Here's what I like: you pick a powerful topic that can connect with everyone. Death and what may lie beyond represent potent thematic material to explore. I also like that it's short. You get in, get out, and don't give the reader much opportunity to undermine trust in your storytelling.

But, there are also a couple of core principles that might help you out. As you've probably heard, conflict is a very useful tool for us storytellers. You introduce some conflict in this story by showing Sam's reluctance to transition into the next dimension. But, I'm sure you can see that there's room for more conflict in this scene.

One other tool that might help you flesh out the conflict is character. More specificially, unique and engaging characters. I watched the movie "Amelie" many years ago, and though I liked the music more than the story, one element of the movie caught my attention. The main character (Amlie, played by the lovely Audrey Tatou) describes other people in the story based on their unusual traits, habits, secret loves, and so forth. Think of some of your favorite characters of all time. What makes them special?

Some of the techniques that most writers use to continue improving their craft are:
1. Reading lots of screenplays / novels
2. Writing, Writing, Writing
3. Reading screenwriting guide books

Thanks for sharing your story. It's often not an easy thing to do. But it shows that you really want to grow.
 
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