My Second Screenplay

A

Adam Grunseth

Member
I am not a screen writer by any means. I have nothing but the utmost respect for professional screen writers, what they do is amazing. However, in college, I wrote and directed a short film. It turned out not very good. Now I have the opportunity to try again, I still kind of like my original idea, so I have rewrote the screenplay and hope to start shooting it soon.

Like I said though, I don't think I am a very good writer. I would love to hear the opinions of those of you who have a bit more writing experience. I am attaching my first draft of the screenplay as a PDF file. Please let me know what you think.
 

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I don't know buddy, I didn't really get it I guess. The ending actually made me laugh, I doubt that was the intended reaction.

SPOILERS

Some things about it really didn't work for me:

Why would the mother give the guy condoms and then be fine with the kids going up to the girls room and closing the door? Does she want them to do it?

Why is Chris so down on life after having sex with the girl?

Their whole relationship doesn't really make sense. They're friends and yet all their conversations are awkward.

He takes no action when she dumps him but he's moved to kill himself when he finds out that this ***** who broke his heart is dead? He should throw a party.

The whole plane thing and then the final revelation seem a bit close to deus ex machana to me.

My advice to you: Work on your dialog, make Chris a lovable loser or something, he lacks spark as written. Make Kyla a real character rater than a set of improbable actions, we'll never understand Chris' final act unless we can understand what draws him to this girl. Tone down the uber-dramatic narration, made me feel like I was back in High School.

On the whole I think it has some promise, keep chugging and good luck.
 
Some of the dialogue could be thrown out or shortened to favor more "subtle" showing of emotions.

Instead of "It reminds me of how happy I used to be before he passed away, just looking at it makes me feel better," maybe show us that she likes the picture instead of just telling us.

There are a few places where the dialogue could be played around with, but overall pretty good. Kyla's mom is very awkward.

Also, Kyla moves very fast, which I feel is a little unusual.
 
A Messenger said:
I don't know buddy, I didn't really get it I guess. The ending actually made me laugh, I doubt that was the intended reaction.

SPOILERS

Some things about it really didn't work for me:

Why would the mother give the guy condoms and then be fine with the kids going up to the girls room and closing the door? Does she want them to do it?

Why is Chris so down on life after having sex with the girl?

Their whole relationship doesn't really make sense. They're friends and yet all their conversations are awkward.

He takes no action when she dumps him but he's moved to kill himself when he finds out that this ***** who broke his heart is dead? He should throw a party.

The whole plane thing and then the final revelation seem a bit close to deus ex machana to me.

My advice to you: Work on your dialog, make Chris a lovable loser or something, he lacks spark as written. Make Kyla a real character rater than a set of improbable actions, we'll never understand Chris' final act unless we can understand what draws him to this girl. Tone down the uber-dramatic narration, made me feel like I was back in High School.

On the whole I think it has some promise, keep chugging and good luck.
Click to expand...
Thanks for the excellent critique, I think your suggestions will be very helpful. On a side note, it is quite funny to me that the ending made you laugh because that is the same exact reaction my girlfiend had to it. However, your comments have been immensly helpful- allowing me to take a step back and view the story a bit more objectively... thanks :-)
 
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