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wjones717

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Hey guys,

I posted here a while back with the first page of my first script. I got some positive feedback and well, here it is fully finished! I just got it copyrighted with WGA, West. It's now 18 pages which i hope to make into a 25-30 min film. Tell me what you all think and thanks for the support!

Thanks,

Will
 

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Typical 'formula' is that one page of script ends up as one page of film. So you might get more like 18 minutes of film since your script is 18 pages. Just so you know, for planning purposes.

I read some of the dialog-- you might consider editing the dialog to make it less on the nose, add in more subtext dialog. Keep at it, quite a journey from that single page you started with!

wjones717 said:
Hey guys, I posted here a while back with the first page of my first script. I got some positive feedback and well, here it is fully finished! I just got it copyrighted with WGA, West. It's now 18 pages which i hope to make into a 25-30 min film. Tell me what you all think and thanks for the support! Thanks, Will
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Thanks Randall,

Yea im aware of the page of writing to minute of film, but i had some long silent moments, along with the titles, credits, maybe some flashbacks. hoping to stretch it to 20. Thanks for reading it!


Will
 
I can see that happening. I just looked at the final shooting script for There Will be Blood (no dialog for the first 15 minutes or so, amazing when you watch it on DVD, you keep thinking where is the dialog, how much longer can they go without anything being said?!)-- well the shooting script has dialog coming in on I think page 8, meaning 7 pages of script without dialog produced 15 minutes of film. So your logic may well hold up.

wjones717 said:
Thanks Randall, Yea im aware of the page of writing to minute of film, but i had some long silent moments, along with the titles, credits, maybe some flashbacks. hoping to stretch it to 20. Thanks for reading it!


Will
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Just read it. I agree with Randall, keep working on that dialogue. I noticed a couple small grammatical errors, but that's touch up work. Good job overall, I like the idea and the way things happened.
 
I would suggest reading your dialogue out loud. Things don't always sound as good when said in comparison when they are written.
 
okay, here's the deal: you need to read "Story" by McKee. You need to read it and digest it. This is the most valuable advise you will receive.

The book saved my screenplay. It improved my understanding of screen writing. Compared to what I can do now, my writing was for s**t

Study it!!!!
 
HerzogisGod said:
okay, here's the deal: you need to read "Story" by McKee. You need to read it and digest it. This is the most valuable advise you will receive.
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I agree!

One quote came to my mind as soon as I finish reading your script: "Show, don't tell!" McKee
 
The dialogue definitely needs some tuning up. Commas, spelling checks, etc. I get that some people say 'Ya' and things like that, but some words there were pretty off. It may not be necessary if you're directing it, but just in case.

A lot of it seemed very heavy handed. I read about the first four pages and skipped to the end and felt like I could tell what happened during the middle. The format is dead on, but mainly the dialogue could use a tune up.
 
Okay so it seemed a little predictable to you guys? I'm gonna read that link posted above and get some insight. As far as dialogue goes, If i was to put "Alright" but in reality I wanted him to say "Aight", which should i do? I could write "Alright" but that wouldn't describe what i eventually want, but "Aight" could be a grammatical error.
 
wjones717 said:
Okay so it seemed a little predictable to you guys? I'm gonna read that link posted above and get some insight. As far as dialogue goes, If i was to put "Alright" but in reality I wanted him to say "Aight", which should i do? I could write "Alright" but that wouldn't describe what i eventually want, but "Aight" could be a grammatical error.
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Using slang words like 'Aight' for dialogue is fine. It speaks for the character and how they talk as well as their upbringing. That's totally fine.

What I meant was stuff like, in the beginning, Drug Addict says "Come on man?". I'm really not sure if the question mark is supposed to be there, it kind of threw me off. Rob later responds with something like, "Don't talk to her like that!", referring to the Drug Addict speaking about Rachel in a bad light. But Rachel is not there and Rob is telling D.A. not to talk to her like that, when it should be "Don't talk about her like that".

Just minor nitpicks like that. Could use a little revising to fix up those problems but it's on the right track man.
 
I liked it. Solid Idea. The Dialog comes off as forced at times especially between Jamal and Rob. There is also some grammatical errors but nothing major. Also, the drug addict, Ive known a bunch in my life and none have acted like that cause of cocain. So it made it kinda tough to read having been familiar with that circumstance and it not coming across as realistic. Your two best options are heroin or crack. Being that its a white guy, Heroin is more suitable. Maybe even meth. Write what you know.
 
Okay i'll take that into consideration, so far i'm gonna touch up the dialogue and look into how heroin affects the body and also meth. Thanks for the info about the cocaine thing! Thanks everyone for reading!
 
I ordered the paperback version of Story by McKee, simply because I prefer paperback to hardcover; should arrive any day now, yippee! Anyhow, here is a link to the paperback version, in case anybody wants it. Otherwise the newer edition in Hardcover is of course available on amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Story-Substan...-Screenwriting/dp/0413715604/ref=cm_cr_wr_img


HerzogisGod said:
okay, here's the deal: you need to read "Story" by McKee. You need to read it and digest it. This is the most valuable advise you will receive. The book saved my screenplay. It improved my understanding of screen writing. Compared to what I can do now, my writing was for s**t
Study it!!!!
Click to expand...
 
In case some of you didn't know this was in fact my first attempt at writing a script, so any advise for the future would be greatly appreciated.
 
It definitely needs something. The dialogue is very contrived and clumsy, as others have pointed out. I don't mean this to be mean, but despite the subject matter which should be interesting, I was bored and didn't make it past page 4. There was nothing special about the characters, they didn't do or say anything that was interesting enough for me to keep reading. Rob was boring and the drug addict was stereotypically unrealistic and contrived. :(

How do you expect that actors to say this stuff and keep the audience engaged?

Can I show you an example of your work, reworked to be a little more interesting...
** indicates a note.


EXT. ROB’S HOUSE - NIGHT *1*

ROB (24) *2*, pale, buzzed blond hair, and unshaven stands outside his old house.
He fumbles with his keys at the front door. *3* (Needs something more here - like he gets frustrated, swears at the keys under his breath - anything that reveals something about his character through action)

*4* DRUG ADDICT (26), shaggy looking and twitching, approaches Rob from the shadows. He throws cautious glances up and down the street.

DRUG ADDICT
Dude, Rob. *5*

Rob startles, looks at Drag Addict annoyed. He returns to his keys.

Drug Addict covers the distance to come to Rob's side, nonchalant.

DRUG ADDICT
I’ve been waiting for ages.

ROB
I told you I don’t have anything
for at least another week.

DRUG ADDICT
Come on man? The word on the
street is your always good.

ROB
The word is wrong.

Rob gives up on the keys and thumps on the door.
Drug Addict becomes indignant, gives Rob a menacing look.

DRUG ADDICT
Perhaps I should just take my business somewhere else? *6*



************************************************************************


1. Redundant info
2. With a name like Rob, we can guess it's a guy.
3. Combine brevity with active detail, omit detail that isn't necessary. Does it matter what he is wearing? Do those particular clothes tell us something about his personality that we wouldn't know otherwise in the rest of the scene? In this case no, you have him dressed like a typical drug dealer. If it were an expensive suit to indicate expensive taste that this job pays for , then that would be different.
4. Avoid adverbs like "suddenly", what does that mean in a script exactly anyway?? It is real time so how can anything not be suddenly?
5. Would the addict use Rob's real name? Would Rob let clients come anywhere near his house and girl in the first place? I don't think so.
They would deal on the streets, or in set areas, the whole don't shi* where you sleep kinda thing. So if an addict has followed him to his house, it would be most likely considered a very aggressive move, and Rob would need to sort it or risk being ratted out to the police - now there is some conflict that will make that scene more interesting! Not only would it make that scene more interesting, it would make the discussion with his girl more interesting because it makes the threat of cops turning up on her doorstep more real, and her being guilty by association, means she is at threat of going to jail too.
6. I know what you were trying to do here, but it's not working nor is it needed. We learn in the very next scene she's got a problem with it. With the above idea, the new line could be considered a threat.

Okay that's enough for me and that should give you plenty to think about.
 
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Before I mention the pros let me just mention the cons of your script. Try and make the first few pages more interesting, and minimize the amount of dialogue (as others stated). You want to show the story and emotions, not tell. Also, change up the name of his girlfriend so she doesn't have an "R" as the first letter like "R"ob does.

I like the idea of this film. After Rob leaves his home in the beginning, the story interested me and I read through the whole thing. Just be sure to have more visual storytelling and less verbal storytelling.

Will
 
Okay thanks, that explains ALOT and gives me a better idea about how to revise the dialogue..thanks, greatly appreciated.
 
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