May Screenplay.

D

DeepFry

New member
Hi. I wrote this intending to shoot it for the May short contest, but then I got busy with a move to NYC. (Not as a struggling film-maker either, I meet a lot of those here) For other resons. Anyhow. I was wondering if anyone would let me know what they thought of it. I know that it would likely have been longer than 2 minutes, and that the idea is somewhat less than novel, but hey, its a short, so waddya want. Something old lost, and something new gained.

http://design.zgtec.com/MayShortScreenplay.pdf

Travis
 
Re: May Screenplay.

It's fine for a short, though the dialogue could be trimmed.

But it's *very* difficult to read. I'd read up on proper screenplay format. Looks like you're using Final Draft; it helps you along nicely if you let it and know what the final output should look like.
 
Re: May Screenplay.

I agree with David. It would also be easier for your actors if it were formatted properly. I had to pause a couple times to figure out who was speaking. Overall though, I think it's fine for a short, with the exception of this line:

"I couldn’t stand not seeing you again. Never seeing your face,
never looking into your eyes again."

Maybe it's just me, but I think that line is over the top schmaltzy for a guy to say to a girl he just met. Then again, he's had a lot to drink, so maybe not.
 
Re: May Screenplay.

[quote author=Josh_Boelter link=board=writing;num=1087350290;start=0#2 date=06/16/04 at 06:23:22]

"I couldn’t stand not seeing you again. Never seeing your face,
never looking into your eyes again."[/quote]

I said something similar to my wife the day after I met her. It s the lighting bolt effect. That was 8 years ago. :)
 
Re: May Screenplay.

I stand corrected! I guess I've yet to be hit by that lightning bolt, so what do I know? Good for you, John.
 
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