IBEJohnson
Well-known member
MakeshiftKnight... how long do you want this film to be? Did it end up only 4 pages by chance or are you specifically looking to keep it that short? Most people will tell you to remove everything you don't need from the script. While that has its merit, it doesn't necessarily mean that shorter is better. I see that from v.1 to v.3 you did a good job of 'trimming the fat', but what you've ended up with is a 4-page, plot-driven story that centers around a moral. There may be some who will disagree with me, but I have seen very few successful (ultra)short films that are either theme-oriented or plot-driven. The reason: not enough time to develop the characters. Unfortunately, I believe your script falls into this category.
I would suggest one of two things: A) Lengthen the script considerably. Give us the opportunity to really get a feeling for who our character is. I would also drop the irony. Unfortunately the script reads like a bad joke; setup, setup, setup... punch line. I don't mean bad because the script is bad, but because it's not funny. Unless you are Rod Serling, you are going to have a difficult time getting away with this kind of irony. And even Rod Serling had a lot more time to pull it off. B) Change your approach altogether. Offer us glimpses into his life, not a linear sequence of events. This will give us the opportunity to really see him for who he is and how he reacts to others in various environments. The current setup just isn't believable. What if he is having a bad day? It doesn't necessarily make him a bad person.
If you prefer to stick to the format that you have, I really believe you should rethink the situations in which you have placed him. The cell phone: If a stranger on the street comes up to me and asks to borrow my cell phone, my first thought is "no way, this guy might grab it and run off". Besides, I would almost NEVER ask to borrow a stranger's cell phone. If I didn't have the change for a payphone (and this has happened to me), I would either walk into a local market and buy a phone card or if I had no money at all, I would call collect. The only scenario I can imagine that would require the use of a stranger's phone is during a medical emergency. If you put our guy into a situation where he witnesses an accident or someone having a heart attack and he walks away unwilling to help, now you have me convinced - he's an @ssh0le. Same goes for the exchange at the newspaper stand. If I'm buying a candy bar and a cup of coffee and it turns out that I'm short a few cents, it is UNTHINKABLE to ask a stranger to give me money. And conversely, if someone asked me for money for a candy bar, I would tell them no. If it were for something that was a necessity, however, that might change things.
Also remember that placing your character only in situations where he looks like an a-hole isn't necessarily the answer. No human being is either all good or all bad. You want your viewers to relate to your character and they can't do that if he is seen simply as a heartless jerk. There needs to be some motivation behind his actions that the audience can understand, even if they don't agree. You can see why it is very difficult to accomplish this is such a short time frame.
You really have to ask yourself what you are going for. Right now, I feel like the driving force behind this script is the ironic ending. He needs to use someone's cell phone and then asks for change just moments after he denied others these exact requests. It fits too perfectly. It is simply not enough. Ask yourself: What do I want my audience to feel? Right now, it seems you are trying to get them to think things such as, "I should be nicer to people" or "That guy was a real a-hole, he got what he deserved" or "What goes around comes around". Frankly, I don't believe they will be thinking any of these things. You are not going to have an impact on the audience if you are just trying to force a moral down their throat. Instead, try making them feel the effects that our character's actions have on others. The audience can then come to these conclusions on their own.
Like I said before, I would drop the irony all together. But if you choose to keep it, please make it more subtle. For instance, his daughter needs help with her homework and he won't take the time to do it, his wife needs him to help with something important and he brushes her off. But later in the film, when he needs something he expects a complete stranger to help despite his unwillingness to help those closest to him.
I tried to stay on point here without going off on too many tangents, but I have been side tracked at least 20 times since I began writing 7 hours ago. So, my apologies if my thoughts seem a little scattered. I know you were only asking how to end the script and I basically told you to rewrite it. Take it for what it's worth. Good luck.
I would suggest one of two things: A) Lengthen the script considerably. Give us the opportunity to really get a feeling for who our character is. I would also drop the irony. Unfortunately the script reads like a bad joke; setup, setup, setup... punch line. I don't mean bad because the script is bad, but because it's not funny. Unless you are Rod Serling, you are going to have a difficult time getting away with this kind of irony. And even Rod Serling had a lot more time to pull it off. B) Change your approach altogether. Offer us glimpses into his life, not a linear sequence of events. This will give us the opportunity to really see him for who he is and how he reacts to others in various environments. The current setup just isn't believable. What if he is having a bad day? It doesn't necessarily make him a bad person.
If you prefer to stick to the format that you have, I really believe you should rethink the situations in which you have placed him. The cell phone: If a stranger on the street comes up to me and asks to borrow my cell phone, my first thought is "no way, this guy might grab it and run off". Besides, I would almost NEVER ask to borrow a stranger's cell phone. If I didn't have the change for a payphone (and this has happened to me), I would either walk into a local market and buy a phone card or if I had no money at all, I would call collect. The only scenario I can imagine that would require the use of a stranger's phone is during a medical emergency. If you put our guy into a situation where he witnesses an accident or someone having a heart attack and he walks away unwilling to help, now you have me convinced - he's an @ssh0le. Same goes for the exchange at the newspaper stand. If I'm buying a candy bar and a cup of coffee and it turns out that I'm short a few cents, it is UNTHINKABLE to ask a stranger to give me money. And conversely, if someone asked me for money for a candy bar, I would tell them no. If it were for something that was a necessity, however, that might change things.
Also remember that placing your character only in situations where he looks like an a-hole isn't necessarily the answer. No human being is either all good or all bad. You want your viewers to relate to your character and they can't do that if he is seen simply as a heartless jerk. There needs to be some motivation behind his actions that the audience can understand, even if they don't agree. You can see why it is very difficult to accomplish this is such a short time frame.
You really have to ask yourself what you are going for. Right now, I feel like the driving force behind this script is the ironic ending. He needs to use someone's cell phone and then asks for change just moments after he denied others these exact requests. It fits too perfectly. It is simply not enough. Ask yourself: What do I want my audience to feel? Right now, it seems you are trying to get them to think things such as, "I should be nicer to people" or "That guy was a real a-hole, he got what he deserved" or "What goes around comes around". Frankly, I don't believe they will be thinking any of these things. You are not going to have an impact on the audience if you are just trying to force a moral down their throat. Instead, try making them feel the effects that our character's actions have on others. The audience can then come to these conclusions on their own.
Like I said before, I would drop the irony all together. But if you choose to keep it, please make it more subtle. For instance, his daughter needs help with her homework and he won't take the time to do it, his wife needs him to help with something important and he brushes her off. But later in the film, when he needs something he expects a complete stranger to help despite his unwillingness to help those closest to him.
I tried to stay on point here without going off on too many tangents, but I have been side tracked at least 20 times since I began writing 7 hours ago. So, my apologies if my thoughts seem a little scattered. I know you were only asking how to end the script and I basically told you to rewrite it. Take it for what it's worth. Good luck.
