Logline help please :)

M

mikewest13

Well-known member
I just finished my first comedy script about a couple of writers who accidentally send a treatment/pitch to a studio for an 80's movie they love (weird science).

As an exercise they routinely write treatments for already produced movies to hone their pitching skills. That is how the mishap starts.

here are a few loglines that I like so far.

"When two struggling writers inadvertently sell a plagiarized script to a big studio, they risk everything for their ticket to hollywood"

"Having accidentally pitched a hit 80's movie, two struggling writers may finally have their big break, but only if they can keep their secret from being discovered."

What do you guys think?
 
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"When two struggling writers inadvertently sell a plagiarized script to a big studio, they
risk being exposed and losing their ticket to hollywood"
 
"After inadvertently selling a plagarized script, two novice writers struggle to keep their
secret hidden as the script moves into production and they become a hot new commodity"
 
Frankly, that's a better version.

My problem with the concept is would Hollywood producers really not notice this script is already made? These development folks make it their job to know who's setting up and working on what project, so they all know who's working on what.

IMO it would only work if it was some small known project, but would that be as much fun?

Also, IMO, typically stories about the "industry" often don't float well.

Sorry if I'm coming of a little glib.

EJ
 
Maybe this will help-- I just started reading this book today: Rob Torin, in How to Write High Structure High Concept Movies, writes that log lines should have the following elements: hero, flaw, life changing event, opponent, ally, and battle. Note that opponent is not the same as antagonist or bad guy (e.g. in The Fugitive, Tommy Lee Jones's character is the opponent, but is not the bad guy).

Example [Rocky]: A boxer (hero) with a loser mentality (flaw) is offered a chance by the world champ (opponent) to fight for the title (life changing event) but, with the help of his lover (ally) must learn to see himself as a winner before he can step into the ring (battle).

Example [Casablanca]: A jaded (flaw) WWII casino owner (hero) in Nazi occupied Morocco sees his former lover (opponent) arrive (life changing event), accompanied by her husband (ally) whose heroism forces the hero to chose between his cynicism, his feeling for his ex lover, and his once strong feelings of patriotism (battle).

Note that great movies have both an external goal and an internal goal, both being stated in the log lines.
 
EJ Pennypacker said:
Frankly, that's a better version.

My problem with the concept is would Hollywood producers really not notice this script is already made? These development folks make it their job to know who's setting up and working on what project, so they all know who's working on what....

EJ
Click to expand...

I would hope that actual producers and creative personnel would know the story when they saw it, but I remember reading about some writers purposefully repackaging stories like Star Wars and Casablanca (to make a point, not a profit). Not only did most readers not "recognize" the story in their coverage, about 4/5 also passed on the projects.

Plus, you'd only really have to fool the reader and one studio executive. If the executive green lights it, who's going to stop them? Maybe that's the conflict: creative personnel recognize the story and try to convince the executive producer of the hoax?

I'll see if I can find the link to where I read that. Might take some digging.
 
I think the concept can still work, especially if it is a satire. And just because it is their jobs to know all about which concepts and stories were successful and which ones were not, doesn't mean that development execs and script readers are infallible.

Maybe the way the writers in this script pitched their idea helped disguise it as a new concept or at least a fresh take on an old story. With the way Hollywood is going, everything is now a remake, re-hash, or reboot anyways.

mikewest13 said:
"When two struggling writers inadvertently sell a plagiarized script to a big studio, they risk everything for their ticket to hollywood"

"Having accidentally pitched a hit 80's movie, two struggling writers may finally have their big break, but only if they can keep their secret from being discovered."

What do you guys think?
Click to expand...

How about something like this?

"When two struggling writers inadvertently sell a plagiarized script to a big studio, they risk everything for their ticket to hollywood by attempting to keep their secret from being discovered by the head of the studio."

You could probably tweak it a bit, but it seems a little more clear and streamlined with the first logline combined with the tail end of your second one, at least it does to me. I haven't read the script though, so maybe I'm on the wrong track?
 
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From Randall's post: Example [Rocky]: A boxer (hero) with a loser mentality (flaw) is offered a chance by the world champ (opponent) to fight for the title (life changing event) but, with the help of his lover (ally) must learn to see himself as a winner before he can step into the ring (battle).

Not meant as a thread hijack... but

I've read more than a few Screenwriting Books that refer to how Rocky wins the Championship fight. It's funny to me. Because he actually DID NOT win the fight, but he DID WIN his internal battle by proving he could go the distance with the Champ (and not be a loser anymore). Hey Rocky, "You're a tomata!"

I've also read somewhere that the vast majority of movie-goers (>70% ) who have seen the original Rocky think he won the fight.
 
I think Randall is on the right track here - though I don't agree that absolutely every log needs all of those elements, I think at the barest it needs to give us an idea of the protagonist, their oponent, and an idea of what the second act of the movie will be (the battle as Randall put it). I think your log works for the most part, except we have no idea of the protagonist(s).

First of all, you refer to two writers - is this really a split protagonist movie, or does one weight more prominently than the other? Regardless of if it is one or both though, you should give us an idea of their character(s) in a nutshell - what makes them unique (the flaw) or why they are the character(s) for this story.

Hope this helps!
 
Good point Kyle. The internal battle in Rocky is arguably perhaps the most important spine of the story over that of the external goal (which he achieves-- getting a shot at the title, although he loses-- talk about giving the audience something they did not expect!)
 
Putting all those elements in a logline is tough, I spent yesterday rewriting my logline for a horror I am working on. Yeah, it was tough, but I did it. I do think that the more of those elements one can put in a logline the better defined the writing will be from the start, the story will become more focused. But certainly all those elements are not mandatory; at a bare minimum I would think 'a hero with a goal'. Then, just like a B and C story enhance most stories, I think however many of those added logline elements can be included could make for a better blueprint as the story is outlined, and would impress an agent/producer in an elevator wanting to know what the story is about.
 
Plus, you'd only really have to fool the reader and one studio executive. If the executive green lights it, who's going to stop them?
Click to expand...

Well, it's far more complex than the above.

First off, you'd have to fool a rep (either agent or manager or both). Okay, so if they just submitted it themselves to a company, then they'd have to fool the DoD, then the reader of the company. Now if the DoD read it, then perhaps the Chief of the company would sign off on it as well, then it would go into a studio, where a Exec would read it, and that's not counting that their assistant wouldn't read it either, but if the Exec loved it, it would then need to be signed off on a EVP or Chief at the Studio.

This is all IMO.

So that's a lot of people to fool for a sale.

And yes, that's alot of YES'S you need as well :( even in real life it's tough to make a sale.

EJ
 
Once I went directly to the studio's "Yes" man. He said "No."



Not everyone will be so thorough with the logline. It's not necessary, IMO.

But I include all those elements, Randall, just for completeness... plus it keeps me focused from the start.
 
Thanks for the feedback so far guys,

The script is a bit of a sattire on the state of Hollywood, and it does take place in a smaller studio.... It's the fact that no one recognizes it, of course the writers have changed stuff around, that makes it funny, at least to me :)
 
Others have mentioned that they don't think it would be so easy to fool the studios about the plagiary, but I don't think that is the largest problem in the script. The fooling of the studios all depends on how you finesse it, and how obscure the film they plagiarized was.

The biggest problem I have is that I really don't see how one can inadvertently plagiarize a script. You make it sound like they accidentally sent a treatment, which suddenly turns into a script sale, but that is impossible. The studios are not going to go crazy over anything until they see an actual script. Even if they discover that the treatment is plagiarized, they probably wouldn't care as much as you think. If they liked it so much to begin with, they'd probably buy the rights to re-make the original, or hire their own writers to rework it.

The only way for anybody to really care is if your writers have plagiarized the entire script. How are they going to do so inadvertently?
 
it is set a tad bit out of what really could happen in reality, but that's what movies are, escapism and a fun journey.

They inadvertently pitch the movie because as an exercise they write pitches for their favorite moves to get better.... and of course that pitch/query/treatment gets mailed in by mistake.
 
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