Logline critique

Solomon Chase

Solomon Chase

Well-known member
I'd like some critique on a logline. Length? Structure? Interest? etc...
I'm always interested in making things more concise and fluid, and in turn, stronger.

Genre: Mystery / Thriller / Drama
Logline: "An eccentric art student notices strange things at school. When his final art project goes missing, he starts over with a greater goal: Mixing art and genetics. His unorthodox project garners unwanted attention, pulling him into a dangerous world that may explain the mysterious happenings at his school."
 
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I agree, shorter.

I'm not good at such things, but perhaps try this:

Logline: An eccentric art student dabbles in genetics catapulting himself - and his school - into a dangerous new world.
 
Aren't most art students eccentric to a degree? Can you somehow use some wording to bring out a uniqueness to the student's eccentricity? I am an artist myself (oil painting, drawing, photography) and I also dabble in genetics--so I am asking myself how the two could possibly be mixed for a thriller--any way to make that aspect of the logline more clear? What is the danger of the dangerous world--can you bring in more clarification for that-- e.g. do the student's paintings materialize into spectres, demons, etc.? Loglines are a *****, I have a very hard time with them. My thoughts here are just to use or lose.

Solomon Chase said:
I'd like some critique on a logline. Length? Structure? Interest? etc...
I'm always interested in making things more concise and fluid, and in turn, stronger.

Genre: Mystery / Thriller / Drama
Logline: "An eccentric art student notices strange things at school. When his final art project goes missing, he starts over with a greater goal: Mixing art and genetics. His unorthodox project garners unwanted attention, pulling him into a dangerous world that may explain the mysterious happenings at his school."
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Randall_Oelerich said:
Aren't most art students eccentric to a degree? Can you somehow use some wording to bring out a uniqueness to the student's eccentricity? I am an artist myself (oil painting, drawing, photography) and I also dabble in genetics--so I am asking myself how the two could possibly be mixed for a thriller--any way to make that aspect of the logline more clear? What is the danger of the dangerous world--can you bring in more clarification for that-- e.g. do the student's paintings materialize into spectres, demons, etc.? Loglines are a *****, I have a very hard time with them. My thoughts here are just to use or lose.
Click to expand...

Good points. I think his uniqueness is way he approaches his work. Almost a science. That difference is driven home further when he gets into "gene-splicing" as part of his project. Throughout the story, he notices strange things at school. The "Dangerous World" is him progressively uncovering an art smuggling conspiracy run by the school, and an opportunistic friend's deception. So maybe I'm making that sound too dramatic, but he is definitely put into some dangerous situations. No spectres or demons :beer:
 
Perhaps somehow make your idea clearer then in the logline, viz bring out the aspects about the art smuggling ring run by the school. I am still very confused how the gene splicing will relate to the art smuggling ring, maybe make that clearer? If this a visual artist, or a musician? There are ways to merge art and genetics/science-- in fact historically the two have often run in parallel (e.g. when Einstein was bringing to light his theories of light and relativity, Picasso and other cubists were portraying that in paintings); I am sure you have ideas already in place for merging your artist's art and the genetics, good luck!
~randall

Solomon Chase said:
Good points. I think his uniqueness is way he approaches his work. Almost a science. That difference is driven home further when he gets into "gene-splicing" as part of his project. Throughout the story, he notices strange things at school. The "Dangerous World" is him progressively uncovering an art smuggling conspiracy run by the school, and an opportunistic friend's deception. So maybe I'm making that sound too dramatic, but he is definitely put into some dangerous situations. No spectres or demons :beer:
Click to expand...
 
Randall_Oelerich said:
Perhaps somehow make your idea clearer then in the logline, viz bring out the aspects about the art smuggling ring run by the school. I am still very confused how the gene splicing will relate to the art smuggling ring, maybe make that clearer? If this a visual artist, or a musician? There are ways to merge art and genetics/science-- in fact historically the two have often run in parallel (e.g. when Einstein was bringing to light his theories of light and relativity, Picasso and other cubists were portraying that in paintings); I am sure you have ideas already in place for merging your artist's art and the genetics, good luck!
~randall
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Visual Artist. He is not portraying genetics like picasso. He is actually performing "home brew" gene splicing. The first time this was done was only 8 years ago, with "Alba", the glowing rabbit.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alba_(rabbit)

I haven't really tied the "gene splicing" project in with the art smuggling thing, only with his opportunistic friend's betrayal.
 
Help me understand though why the hero, performing gene splicing, is an artist rather than e.g. a science major in college (hehe reminds of the classic B horror film "The Reanimator"! -- roommate brings their dead cat back to life, zombie killer cat, etc; also reminds me of a classmate in my college organic chemistry lab-- anorexic, long hair like Repunzel, bragged about synthesizing LSD etc--he is definitely the type that would have funked with genes to create something creepy during the midnight hours.)
 
Randall_Oelerich said:
Help me understand though why the hero, performing gene splicing, is an artist rather than e.g. a science major in college (hehe reminds of the classic B horror film "The Reanimator"! -- roommate brings their dead cat back to life, zombie killer cat, etc; also reminds me of a classmate in my college organic chemistry lab-- anorexic, long hair like Repunzel, bragged about synthesizing LSD etc--he is definitely the type that would have funked with genes to create something creepy during the midnight hours.)
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That was one of the original angles, but I changed it to an art college to fit some different plot and character points. I'll think I'll consider that option a little more... The "hero" has a scientific background from his father, and in general has some very esoteric interests. This sets him apart from some of the other people at his school.

A science major turned "bio-artist" is little more "fish out of water" but since he doesn't have access to expensive biotech equipment at his art school, it really showcases his ingenuity, as well as driving some subplots.

BTW, he is only experimenting with plants, not creating crazy glowing-hybrid-zombie-rabbit-cats
 
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I say leave out the bio-artist part in the logline and keep it simple.

Something like...

When his final project goes missing, an art school student replaces it with one of his father’s old science experiments. But when his new project garners unwanted attention, it launches him and the school into a dangerous new world.
 
So is it like "little shop of horrors" but instead of it being an alien it is something he has created?

A logline should give us the starting event, imply further events and state the protagonist’s predicament in as concise a manner as possible, and most of all should make someone interested enough to want to read your script! At the moment none of the loglines make me want to spend two+ hours of my life reading that script (it might be the best script ever written but I wouldn't know). What is your hook?
 
I was just listening to an audio seminar (while on the treadmill, back to the gym, realizing I need to balance keyboard slugness with some exercise) by a guru on loglines this morning actually, timely, and those same points were made. Speaker gave a logline for Home Alone, something like: Accidentally left home alone for Xmas by his parents, a little boy must defend himself and his home from two bungling persistent burglers. That logline includes (1)the title, (2)the hero, (3)the genre (bungling=comedy), (4)the action and what the hero wants or must do, (5)the antagonist. Those elements should be in the logline, according to the guru speaker.



Yeddi said:
So is it like "little shop of horrors" but instead of it being an alien it is something he has created?

A logline should give us the starting event, imply further events and state the protagonist’s predicament in as concise a manner as possible, and most of all should make someone interested enough to want to read your script! At the moment none of the loglines make me want to spend two+ hours of my life reading that script (it might be the best script ever written but I wouldn't know). What is your hook?
Click to expand...
 
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