Little Script....

D

dmillz

New member
This is basically the first script I ever wrote so I'm sure they're a bunch of stuff wrong with it such as spelling and formating. But I just wanted to know what people thought of the story idea.

I'm shooting this at my school with their Dvx. It will probably be around 1-3 minutes long and the main reason i am shooting this is to get used to making short films with actors and other camera men (since i only made short films with my friends before) Anyways any help would be appreciated...And if people think its an okay idea for a short I might add more to it.

BLACKNESS

SOUND OF THREE GUNSHOTS

INT. SCHOOL BATHROOM-DAY

BLACK AND WHITE EFFECT

A teenage boy is laying on the floor with his hand over his chest.
He lifts his hand. Blood is shown on his hand and chest.

CAMERA FLASHES TO BLACK QUICKLY

INT. SCHOOL BATHROOM-DAY

The teenage boy is washing his hands in a sink. Three other teenage boys walk in. He notices them in the mirror. The three teenage boys start to punch and kick the boy to the ground. One of the three boys pulls out a gun and shoots the teenage boy on the ground three times. The Three boys run out of the bathroom

CAMERA FLASHES TO BLACK QUICKLY AGAIN

The teenage boy is laying on the ground just like in the first scene.

END OF BLACK AND WHITE

FADES TO BLACK.

TEENAGE BOY
"It was just like every other day."
"At least I thought it was."

FADE IN

INT. SCHOOL BUILDING-MORNING.

Teenage boy walks into school. As he walks down the halls people star and give him dirty looks. People mutter about him.

INT. SCHOOL CAFE-MORNING.

Teenage Boys walks into cafe. He walks around the cafe looking for place to sit. People stare him down and one person trips him. He gets up and sits at a empty table.

TIME LAPSE OF CAFE.

LUNCH ENDS AND TEENAGE BOY WALKS INTO CAFE BATHROOM

INT. SCHOOL BATHROOM-DAY.

Teenage boy walks in and starts to wash hands and face. Three Boys walk in behind him. Teenage boy notices them behind him. The three boys start to punch and kick the Teenage boy to the floor. Fight scene just like in the beginning. But the Teenage Boy Fights back and rises from the floor. He starts to fight back and eventually pulls out a gun
(He’s in the position of the shooter in the beginning and One of the three boys is in the position of the Teenage Boy in the beginning, as if they switched roles)

The Teenage Boy Shoots twice. Two of the Three boys run out of the bathroom. As they run another gunshot is fired.

BLACK AND WHITE EFFECT

The teenage boy is laying on the floor with his hand over his chest.
He lifts his hand. Blood is shown on his hand and chest.

CAMERA TURNS TO SHOW ONE OF THE THREE BOYS LAYING NEXT TO THE TEENAGE BOY.

CAMERA FLASHES TO BLACK QUICKLY
Click to expand...
 
Yeah, it's a little hard to follow. I know you were asking about the story and not the grammar (etc.), but it would help to clarify your piece. Differentiate the characters instead of calling them all teenage boys. As much as I hate it, even Bully 1, Bully 2 would help.

An honest question not meant to provoke: You took the time to write it out...why not engage proper format and spelling? Good habits/bad habits...

Also, what are you trying to say with your short? What is your opinion and the one you wish the audience to have? Is there a point? Beginning, middle, end? Golly, maybe this is too Socratic, but I hope it helps. Just some things to consider, no matter how long your story is...Good Luck!
 
Alright thanks for the comments...i probably should have mentioned somewhere in there that its about racism. The one Boy will be one race and the Three "bullies" will be another (depends on the race of actors i get, Probably Racism against African American people)
any more comments would be appreciated
 
dmillz said:
Alright thanks for the comments...i probably should have mentioned somewhere in there that its about racism. The one Boy will be one race and the Three "bullies" will be another (depends on the race of actors i get, Probably Racism against African American people)
any more comments would be appreciated
Click to expand...


Yes, that's a notable omission.
 
I don't understand what happened... The MC starts as being shot, but then we see a flashback and we see him shoot one of the three people who shot him. And then we see him shot again, and one of the three people is also shot? What? I don't understand how this works... it looks like it would have potential if it was more clear with the message and the actual plot.
 
Reminded me of that scene in American History X. With stories about racism, you need a definitive edge to separate it from everything else out there. Why is it about racism? What does it say about racism? Personally, I'd say cut the race issue right out. It wasn't important enough to even mention in the script, so try to look at other issues facing teens growing up in Today. Think to yourself "This is a good foundation, now how can I give it some personality?".
However, just by the language you used in the screenplay, it sounds like you just want something simple to shoot that you can put some creative visuals to. If thats the case, right on, go shoot it and make it look cool. But as a script forced to stand on its own, it needs some re-imagining.
 
McLeish said:
Reminded me of that scene in American History X. With stories about racism, you need a definitive edge to separate it from everything else out there. Why is it about racism? What does it say about racism? Personally, I'd say cut the race issue right out. It wasn't important enough to even mention in the script, so try to look at other issues facing teens growing up in Today. Think to yourself "This is a good foundation, now how can I give it some personality?".
However, just by the language you used in the screenplay, it sounds like you just want something simple to shoot that you can put some creative visuals to. If thats the case, right on, go shoot it and make it look cool. But as a script forced to stand on its own, it needs some re-imagining.
Click to expand...
Yea your kinda right..i just wanted a short story to shoot and edit myself. Ill try thinking about other things I can do to make the plot more understandable and give it more character. As I said this is basically the first script i ever wrote...usually when i wanted to shoot a short i just went out and did it without any planning
 
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