"Letters to Penthouse"

Chris Messineo

Chris Messineo

Veteran
We are starting production shortly on our latest short film, "Letters to Penthouse".

I am always looking to improve and would love to get some feedback on the script.

Aram "Beat Takeshi" Bauman is going to be our Director of Photography.

Below are stills of our cast (taken from auditions):

Brad-Standley.jpg


Nova-Mejia.jpg
 
On the one hand, I really liked how you stayed away from the "guns and glamor" angle so many of the shorts on DVX (and non-commercial digital shorts in general) are taking in this action dominated day. I also liked the way you write action. Prosey and smart but not overly flowery. It had a very professional feeling to it, and I wish so badly the dialog and story could have held up but, on the other hand...

The dialog seemed to range from good to not-so-good. I really liked the Amazon story, although it still sounded a bit convoluted. I also really liked the "You need to get blanking laid," although I had heard it before. I genuinely liked most the dialog in the first bathroom scene.

However, the majority of the dialog didn't flow or sound natural. It also seemed to lack genuine characterization, tossing in f-words to fill that void. I have no problem with swearing; hell, my last 21 page script had 23 f words, 10 s words, a c and any number of combinations of the aforementioned. However, it feels gratuitous here; I see what you're getting at (the outward embitterment of a disabled man), but as I said, it could be achieved so much more interestingly.

The piece lacked conflict. There needs to be some sort of problem that shows up, rears its ugly head and demands emotion. It is not to be found here, except in a little, rather trite place near the end. There needs to either be more conflict, or a more interesting set-up.

I also fail to see what the "point" of this piece was. In case I'm just stupid, I'll say what I "got out of it": embittered paraplegic cannot muster courage to confront his feelings so he hides it with bitterness and tough love, but deep down inside he's a "real" person. Girl who thinks said bitterness is just douchebaggery decides to leave, but then she discovers his true feelings and from there... it's up to us to decide.

That's enough for now, I'll write more later. As of now, this is an inconclusive criticism.
 
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Stefan,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read the script and offer your thoughts.

I think you make a good point about the cursing. It felt natural to me when I wrote it, but I wouldn't want it to feel like a barrage of cursing to the audience. We are having a read through with the actors this Sunday and I will try my best to listen with fresh ears. If it feels like too much, it would certainly be easy enough to either remove some or vary the curses. :)

As for the piece lacking conflict, I think we just have very different ideas about what is conflict. I do appreciate your honesty and I am sure there are many others who will find this story a little too soft as well. Hopefully, with a story like this, there is enough going on subtextually that with the right actors the "point" will be clear and satisfying.

We'll see. I can still imagine quite a few ways I could botch it up as director.

Chris
 
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I think the overt conflict is 'John vs the world', and yes part of that conflict is his hidden feelings for Emily which he's too proud (and too full of self-loathing) to admit. And the plot then develops one tiny sliver of that - can John love someone and be loved in return?

Consider having John even more full of verbal rage (and with more variety than just f**k, in fact given the sexual nature of his supposed letters, his profanity would probably include a lot of absurd over the top sexual references) BUT have Emily totally ignore all the anger and be unendingly pleasant and professional - that would both be amusing contrast and also symbolise his impotent rage.

Then her accidental discovery of the poem can go several ways - she could remain unsurprised and tell him its the best poem yet, and he responds with more swearing and we realise this is their permanent bizarre but loving relationship and only through poetry can he admit his feelings. Or, perhaps SHE is devastated, previously it was an emotionless safe professional relationship and she never took the swearing seriously but assumed he did dislike her (and the rest of the world), but now she discovers his love and doesn't know how to react. Either nd there, with her wondering what to do, or optionally extend to his reaction to her reaction, which could be anywhere from genuine rage to suicidal tears.

just my opinions, use anything that makes sense to you...
 
clang,

Thanks a lot for the feedback.

They are all bold choices, but I'm not sure I'm that bold a storyteller. :)

I was trying to keep this story a little more subtle and nuanced. My fear with the current story is that a large portion of the audience will wish the story was 'bigger'.

Chris
 
you do have a potential balance problem - you have a high-energy title, sexually explicit language and lots of F words, which is fine and justified by the plot setup, but if the story and in particular ending is too 'quiet' in comparison then it could leave audiences disappointed.
 
I liked it. I thought there was plenty of conflict. A young man trapped in a wheel chair unable to get what he wants. Sounds dramatic to me and even promethian. It's a guy chained to a rock with a glass of water just outside his reach. It's explosively dramatic even, my question is have you sufficiently exploited it?

I'd reconsider using the coarse language. Mainly because it'll turn off a lot of people and i think you can accomplish exactly the same thing dramatically with less vulgar language.

What's the typewriter about? Promethian rebellion? I don't see how it serves you.

Personally I thought confronting him with the poem is false. I don't think she'd do that. On the girl in general, Stefan mentioned tough love, I don't think the paraplegic is giving tough love at all, if anyone is to give tough it should be the nurse. As is stands, her attitude prior to discovering the poem is disdain. I suggest developing her a bit more because her reaction to the poem is the script's emotional payoff and I wasn't fully invested in her the way I should be for that payoff to work.

It's more predictable than "Toaster in Space" but is it too predictible?

I'm not trying to be cute by asking questions, I don't know if it's too predictable and don't want to say it is or isn't.
 
Brian,

I think those are great questions, as I have some of the same concerns.

I wrote "Letters to Penthouse" as part of a screenwriting competition with no intention of ever filming it. It came in second place and at that point I was done with it.

Then, a month ago, we held auditions so we could meet new actors to work with. The auditions were not for any film in particular. In fact, we let the actors read from many different scripts I have written over the years. Nova and Brad read from "Letters to Penthouse" (on different days) and there was something really special about their performances. It was like they knew the characters better than I did. They read lines in ways I never imagined and yet it was better than I imagined.

It made us want to make the film with these two actors.

I am definitely concerned about the language, the predictability, the likability of these characters, and especially the ending. But, I have faith that these two actors can pull it off and hope that I'm not dumb enough to mess it up as the director.

As I mentioned before, we have our first read-through this Sunday and the script is definitely not cast in stone. I am looking forward to getting feedback from the cast and crew and I am willing to make whatever changes are neccessary to tell the most compelling story.

Chris
 
Chris,

I would definitely consider toning down his anger at the start (not necessarily 'profanity' though that could help as well).
It felt as though it doesn't leave him anywhere to go. When he 'blew up' at the end it felt rather flat to me.

Don't get me wrong, i like the story - but he was so course and angry right out of the gates that when he was supposed to be genuinely course and angry, it didn't really resonate with me. Just a thought.

I would also consider losing the "its so beautiful" line - I think its clear that she finds it beautiful if we merely see her reading it over again.
It felt on the edge of melodrama there at the end.

But overall - like Toaster in Space - good work.
:thumbsup:
 
Chris Messineo said:
Brian,

. Nova and Brad read from "Letters to Penthouse" (on different days) and there was something really special about their performances. It was like they knew the characters better than I did. They read lines in ways I never imagined and yet it was better than I imagined.

It made us want to make the film with these two actors.


Chris
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Just looking at the screenshots, they look perfect for the parts. she's pretty and plain at the same time. He looks about right too.
 
Luis, Thanks a lot for the critique. I agree there is a real danger of John being too angry and 'one-note' throughout the story. I will be looking for that during rehearsal. I also have the same concern about the last line. I think it's a balancing act to make it tender and not melodrama. Hopefully, we can get it right.

Brian, I'm glad you like their look. I do too. Nova actually reminds me of Natalie Portman a bit, but that might be hard to tell from just one still.
 
Chris Messineo said:
Luis, Thanks a lot for the critique. I agree there is a real danger of John being too angry and 'one-note' throughout the story. I will be looking for that during rehearsal. I also have the same concern about the last line. I think it's a balancing act to make it tender and not melodrama. Hopefully, we can get it right.

Brian, I'm glad you like their look. I do too. Nova actually reminds me of Natalie Portman a bit, but that might be hard to tell from just one still.
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I had similar thoughts about the last line but didn't say anything because I thought it might be one of those things that needed to be in the script more than it needs to be in the actual performance in the studio/set. Shoot it to have it, or maybe a coupla versions of it. It's a bit on the nose though.
 
That's an excellent suggestion.

I have noticed in the past, during editing, that often you can remove lines. The actors actions and faces tell us all we need to know.
 
Are you planning on taping the rehearsals? Getting to read the script, hear the rehearsals, and then see the final film would great.
 
I thought about taping rehearsals, but then I decided I wanted them to be more organic than that. I wanted the actors to feel comfortable trying new things, strange things, without having to worry about their performance being recorded for posterity.
 
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