Learning to write

K

Kemper

Active member
I've never been the best writer and i will admit that...but i have a passion that needs to be filled.

This is my 3rd screenplay. I lack confidence in my writing skills, but i think i'm a good storyteller.

Is there something about the style on this 1.5 page snippet of my screenplay (I haven't written much more yet) that strikes you funny in it's form. Also, does it leave you wanting to read more.

I realize the example may be too short, but be brutal if you think there is enough info.



Black

We hear two people running...fear and desperation on their breath. A child moans, straining to maintain his way. Sporadic gunfire permeates in the distance. We hear the sound of a young boy falling.

MAN UNDER BLACK
Owen, Move! You must be strong.

EXT. WOODS -- MORNING SHAWNEE TERRITORY

We are CLOSE on a boys eyes. He is no more than ten, ...blood and dirt cover his face and clothes making it hard to distinguish which if any wounds are his. He struggles to get to his feet. Tears begin to flow freely.

OWEN
I can't sir. MMMMMmmm...mommmy!

A strong hand of a young man in a what is left of an American Army uniform (circa early 1800's) grabs Owen around the waste and pulls him to his feet. The face of a true soldier turns as we hear Ghastly screams getting closer. He searches the well wooded forest for a glimpse of its source. A cold steam bellows from his lips.

SOLDIER
Owen.

Owen is delirious, shaking with every scream. He grabs him by his shoulders.

SOLDIER
ATTENTION, Soldier. You will obey my command, by order of your mother.

Owen makes an attempt to control his emotions, but his body still shudders involuntarily.

SOLDIER
You will stand by my side and fight.

The soldier places a small pistol tightly in Owen's hand to get the message across.

SOLDIER
Am I clear?

OWEN
Yes, sir. I don't want to die.

SOLDIER
I won't let that happen. I...

Owen, eyes WIDEN. His fear coinciding with an incredibly loud scream.

OWEN
Michael!

MICHAEL is only able to turn enough to accept the impact of the blow as a horribly disfigure man knocks them both to the ground. Michael, lands on top of Owen, knocking him cold. The man is wearing a uniform very similar to Michael's though it is of lower rank.

The face of a man with skin grotesquely hanging from his eye fills the screen. His mouth lunging at his prey with great fury.

FULL SHOT WOODS -- CONTINUOUS

The two struggle as Michael miraculously evades several attempts to pierce his skin, some of which come perilously close OWEN. Realizing this, Michael reaches for his gun that is still locked in it's holster.

Only a quick swipe from his hand keeps the creature from plunging it jaws into his flesh.
 
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Kemper,

I think you have some interesting story elements here, but you are making a few "beginner craft" mistakes that take away from the impact.

Here are a few:

- First, proofread your work and fix any errors. Simple things, like incorrect speling ("waste" instead of "waist") and bad grammer ("...some of which come perilously close Owen."), actually have an impace and make the work feel sloppy.

- Fancy or awkward prose. Too often you are overwriting and trying too hard to be poetic ("Sporadic gunfire permeates in the distance." or "He searches the well wooded forest..."). When in doubt, keep it simple.

- SIFYN stands for "Save It For Your Novel". Only include information we can see on the screen. For example ("The soldier places a small pistol tightly in Owen's hand to get the message across.") could simply be "He place a pistol in his hand." The audience will understand the rest.

Those are what jumped out at me. But like I said, I think you have a compelling story in there, you just need to work at the craft to make it pop on the page.

Also, my number one recommendation would be to find/start a writer's group in your area. There has been nothing quite as helpful to me as sharing my work and learning from other writers.

Good luck,

Chris
 
Yep, i sent it out for feedback way too quickly. I do have a big problem and really have to check and recheck. I really appreciate your advice and it is helpful. I have a long way to go.

It is interesting how trying to be descriptive can turn into overwriting.

Thanks!
 
K-

Listen to Chris. These are all really good points. Especially writing only what we (the audience) can SEE. I.e. "We hear the sound of a young boy falling." How are we to know what a young boy's fall sounds like?

Also, it helps to put sound directions in caps. I.e. a child MOANS. Or, there is a GUNSHOT.

Thirdly, you want to caps the names of the characters the first time they are introduced. I assume Michael is the soldier that lays his hand on Owen earlier in the script. Why not tell us here that his name is Michael? If this is not Michael, then you need to caps the young man in the American Army uniform.

The story sounds interesting from the little bit you've shared. That's the hard part...the form can always be fixed, it's the story that's most important. That being said, it might be a little stretch to have Michael giving the kid a gun because they are being chased, but he doesn't even have his own gun unholstered?

This is probably all very clear in your head, but the description and execution on the page need to be clarified a bit. Try reading what you wrote and picturing only what's on the page. Maybe your mental image of the film and the one that is actually on the page aren't jiving.

Great start though. Keep at it!

Besties,

Mischief
 
CineMischief said:
K-

Listen to Chris. These are all really good points. Especially writing only what we (the audience) can SEE. I.e. "We hear the sound of a young boy falling." How are we to know what a young boy's fall sounds like?

Also, it helps to put sound directions in caps. I.e. a child MOANS. Or, there is a GUNSHOT.

Thirdly, you want to caps the names of the characters the first time they are introduced. I assume Michael is the soldier that lays his hand on Owen earlier in the script. Why not tell us here that his name is Michael? If this is not Michael, then you need to caps the young man in the American Army uniform.

The story sounds interesting from the little bit you've shared. That's the hard part...the form can always be fixed, it's the story that's most important. That being said, it might be a little stretch to have Michael giving the kid a gun because they are being chased, but he doesn't even have his own gun unholstered?

This is probably all very clear in your head, but the description and execution on the page need to be clarified a bit. Try reading what you wrote and picturing only what's on the page. Maybe your mental image of the film and the one that is actually on the page aren't jiving.

Great start though. Keep at it!

Besties,

Mischief
Click to expand...
Thanks for the suggestions...I put the sound of the young boy falling because this is happening under black.

I didn't say Michael's name yet because at that point he was just a soldier...I thought that once the boy said his name the relationship had been established, hence the change.

As far as the gun goes, he had picked the boy up and needed to get his attention...the attack wasn't expected.

THAT BEING SAID! Maybe, I need to make it all clearer.
 
K-
Like I said, this is all more clear in your head than it is on paper. About the kid falling: You're right...it's over black. So picture the movie screen. It's black and we only HEAR footsteps running at this point. There is NO WAY we can tell that the sound of someone falling is in fact a little kid. Thus, you cannot write that this has occured. You can write that we hear someone biting it (someone falling on gravel/whatever), but you cannot describe something that we cannot see. This is nitpicking, but you said to be brutal.

Again, you MUST capitalize a character the first time they are introduced. Whether you call him Michael or Soldier or whatever, it has to be in caps. And why not say this is Michael? I realize Owen hasn't said his name, but so what? It's not a plot point to keep the guys identity a secret, so why not just say it here?

Lastly, the gun. If the attack wasn't expected, why are they runnin? He says that they need to fight and that he won't let anything bad happen to the kid. Hmm...he seems to know something. If he's freaked enough to give the kid (the kid!) a gun, but doesn't have his out...I dunno. These are the tough questions anyone will ask you about your screenplay that you need to have an answer for. What is in your head is not always what is on paper. That's why I suggested reading what you wrote and playing the movie in your head from that. Don't go on what you think you see. Go only on what the information in the text is telling you because that's all we get.

Don't wanna harp on this, just want to help. I think this story could be real solid. Good luck!

Besties,

Mischief
 
Kemper: If you don´t mind: Rewrite your pice considering the recommendations and post it again! That´s a good exercise and it would be interesting for everybody.:)
 
Most difficult thing to learn is dialogue. Look over your dialogue and you will
notice it's wooden. People don't talk that stiff, well, unless that's your personality.

There is a difference in being a screenwriter and being a filmmaker. Not all
filmmakers can write, not all screenwriters can filmmake.

Go to www.donedealpro.com and take a look at the nuts and bolts of
screenwriting. It takes YEARS to develop into a good screenwriter. Check it
out and see if this is what you want to do.

Good luck.

Charli
 
Charli said:
Most difficult thing to learn is dialogue. Look over your dialogue and you will
notice it's wooden. People don't talk that stiff, well, unless that's your personality.

There is a difference in being a screenwriter and being a filmmaker. Not all
filmmakers can write, not all screenwriters can filmmake.

Go to www.donedealpro.com and take a look at the nuts and bolts of
screenwriting. It takes YEARS to develop into a good screenwriter. Check it
out and see if this is what you want to do.

Good luck.

Charli
Click to expand...

Of course it's something I'm going to do...I work hard at everything i've ever done to improve. Will I be good at it or a success...who knows. I've written screenplays already and it gives me a sense of accomplishment and a way to get away. I'm looking to improve that experience. I don't know where it will lead, but it has already been an immense source of enjoyment. I wouldn't put myself out there to be critisized otherwise.

Thanks so much for the link.
 
joe 1008 said:
Kemper: If you don´t mind: Rewrite your pice considering the recommendations and post it again! That´s a good exercise and it would be interesting for everybody.:)
Click to expand...

I will do it as quickly as I can :)
 
here are my tips:

1. read "Story" by Robert McKee
2. read "The Writer's Journey" by Christopher Vogler
3. get in touch with yourself and find soul-ripping subjects to write about.

Or if you delve deeply into your own philosophy and psychology, you can skip the two first items. :)

Finding subjects which you yourself love and the audience love too is of course the hardest thing to do. I've just bought a book from amazon called "Touched by Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament" in which the author states that depressiveness and talent goes hand in hand... A little depression is an igniter of inspiration :) The saying is true: "great artists survive great misfortunes".

Said in another way: your art is a product of all the negative stuff you survive.

So if you are in 100% control of your life, and your family life couldn't be better, with economic success far above your ears... You might consider travel away for some time? There's no instant inspiration like travelling: You see new stuff, you miss your loved ones, you live in fear of not returning, you hope to find secrets of life, you are excited because you will find something which you've never seen before.... and so on and so on....

So those are my words of wisdom for the day...

I would never see, hear or read stuff written by people who haven't experienced the downfalls of life... And I guess not very many would.

I say like Jane Anderson: "Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is an option"
http://www.creativescreenwriting.com/csdaily/trenches/10_07_05_Anderson.html

In addition to travelling and general misery :) I also recommend reading classic literature... It's NEVER been as easy to read great stuff like it is now, much thanks to the Project Gutenberg... Check out gutenberg.org and browse in 18000 free e-books.... My personal favourites when it comes to authors are: Lovecraft, Poe, Ibsen.... that's as far as I've come :) but other interesting thinkers/authors are: Nietszche, Goethe, Marx, Shakespeare.... I use to say that there's a REASON why classic literature has become classic... It's naturallly because it's the BEST :)

And do not forget to find your own personal branch of literature... I myself has gone down that dangerous road (ironic) of mentallly unstable literature... I will delve into Baudelaire, Lord Dunsany and read the Necronomicon just for fun... You yourself might find fantastic literature more interesting, like: Wells, Jules Verne, HC Andersen, Grimm and so on... wikipedia.org is an INSANELY good tool for reading and finding which authors you like. Of course, you'll want to end up with a compressed collection of personal "tomes" no one ever heard about, just because your curiosity brought you there... For instance: I will very soon buy this totally unknown book (which I just read some lines about from another book review): http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/04...104-9559755-7765507?s=books&v=glance&n=283155
and this book is supposedly completely insane.... I am looking very forward to it!

this post were much too long an hour ago ... :) oh well... all for the humble community of screenwriters!
 
Wow, you guys are all very helpful...I appreciate the time taken and will examine all of them. As promised... I fixed? some things.

FADE IN:



EXT. SHAWNEE TERRITORY -- MORNING

A heavily wooded Oak forest is silhouetted by the morning sun. An eerie stillness is shaken by faint gunfire. The SOUND of approaching footsteps takes over.

A SOLDIER and a YOUNG BOY rush into view...fear and desperation cover their faces. The child moans, straining to maintain his way. He falls HARD to the ground.

We are CLOSE on OWEN STARK. He is no more than ten...blood and dirt cover his face and clothes making it hard to distinguish which if any wounds are his. He struggles to get to his feet. Tears begin to flow freely.

LIEUTENANT MICHAEL WOOLSEY moves deftly to help Owen. He is a strong looking young man in his early 20's, partially dressed in an American Army uniform (circa early 1800's). Michael grabs Owen around his waist and pulls him to his feet. The face of a true soldier turns as we hear GHASTLY screams getting closer. He searches for a glimpse of its source, pulling his gun from its holster. A cold steam bellows from his lips.

MICHAEL
Owen. Owen...we can't stay here. We have to keep moving. You must be strong.

OWEN
I can't sir. MMMMMmmm...mommmy!

MICHAEL
Owen.

Owen is delirious, shaking with every scream. Michael grabs his shoulder.

MICHAEL
Attention, Soldier. You will obey my command, by order of your mother.

Owen makes an attempt to control his emotions, but his body still shudders involuntarily.

Michael reaches passed his infantry sword and pulls out a small pistol from his belt. He places it in Owen's hand.

MICHAEL
You will stand by my side and fight...just as I taught you. Am I clear?

OWEN
Yes, sir. I don't want to die.

Michael looks at Owen with all the empathy he can muster.

MICHAEL
Your not going to die. I won't let that happen. I...

Owen's eyes WIDEN, his fear coinciding with an incredibly loud scream.

OWEN
Michael!

Michael is only able to turn enough to accept the impact of the blow as a HORRIBLY DISFIGURED MAN knocks them both to the ground. Michael, lands on top of Owen, KNOCKING HIM COLD. The attacker is wearing the full version of Michael's uniform though it is of lower rank. Skin hangs grotesquely from his eye. His MOUTH LUNGES at his prey with great fury. Is he DEAD, ALIVE or SOMETHING ELSE?

FULL SHOT WOODS -- CONTINUOUS

The two struggle as Michael miraculously evades several attempts to pierce his skin, some which come perilously close to OWEN. Realizing this, Michael fights to free his arm long enough to fire his weapon.

Only a quick swipe from his hand keeps the creature from plunging its jaws into his flesh. His hand under the creature's chin, Michael manages to position his weapon and FIRES INTO ITS ABDOMEN. It succeeds only in jolting the attacker from his grip. Its teeth fall into the FLESH OF MICHAEL'S SHOULDER... Michael's gun falls from his hand in unison.

Letting out a HORRIFIC SCREAM, Michael launches the creature and himself from Owen. He rips a bowie knife from it's belt THRUSTING it into the creature's skull as the momentum of another attack pushes the blade deep between it's deadened eyes.

Michael rams the motionless body to the ground jamming the knife in tighter to relieve it of any life it might possess. He looks down at the figure below him. He seems to recognize him. He closes his eyes to regain himself.

MICHAEL
Jesus, forgive the sinner in me. Strengthen me lord to do all I must.

Michael's focus returns amazingly fast to OWEN. Despite his deep wound he cradles the boy in his arms with tenderness that matches his rage in battle. He listens for a heartbeat and a breath.

MICHAEL
Owen...can you hear me? Wake up...Owen. Please!

WIDER, we see a FIGURE FLASH PASSED US. Michael turns, aware of the presence. He lowers Owen gently to the ground. Standing up, he quietly but quickly pulls out his INFANTRY SWORD.

We MOVE IN on Michael as he glances down at his shoulder and to what lies before him.



2. EXT. WOODS -- LATER
 
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Wow, you guys are all very helpful...I appreciate the time taken and will examine all of them. As requested I tried to edit by suggestion given

FADE IN:



EXT. SHAWNEE TERRITORY -- MORNING

A heavily wooded Oak forest is silhouetted by the morning sun. An eerie stillness is shaken by faint gunfire. The SOUND of approaching footsteps takes over.

A SOLDIER and a YOUNG BOY rush into view...fear and desperation cover their faces. The child moans, straining to maintain his way. He falls HARD to the ground.

We are CLOSE on OWEN STARK. He is no more than ten...blood and dirt cover his face and clothes making it hard to distinguish which if any wounds are his. He struggles to get to his feet. Tears begin to flow freely.

LIEUTENANT MICHAEL WOOLSEY moves deftly to help Owen. He is a strong looking young man in his early 20's, partially dressed in an American Army uniform (circa early 1800's). Michael grabs Owen around his waist and pulls him to his feet. The face of a true soldier turns as we hear GHASTLY screams getting closer. He searches for a glimpse of its source, pulling his gun from its holster. A cold steam bellows from his lips.

MICHAEL
Owen. Owen...we can't stay here. We have to keep moving. You must be strong.

OWEN
I can't sir. MMMMMmmm...mommmy!

MICHAEL
Owen.

Owen is delirious, shaking with every scream. Michael grabs his shoulder.

MICHAEL
Attention, Soldier. You will obey my command, by order of your mother.

Owen makes an attempt to control his emotions, but his body still shudders involuntarily.

Michael reaches passed his infantry sword and pulls out a small pistol from his belt. He places it in Owen's hand.

MICHAEL
You will stand by my side and fight...just as I taught you. Am I clear?

OWEN
Yes, sir. I don't want to die.

Michael looks at Owen with all the empathy he can muster.

MICHAEL
Your not going to die. I won't let that happen. I...

Owen's eyes WIDEN, his fear coinciding with an incredibly loud scream.

OWEN
Michael!

Michael is only able to turn enough to accept the impact of the blow as a HORRIBLY DISFIGURED MAN knocks them both to the ground. Michael, lands on top of Owen, KNOCKING HIM COLD. The attacker is wearing the full version of Michael's uniform though it is of lower rank. Skin hangs grotesquely from his eye. His MOUTH LUNGES at his prey with great fury. Is he DEAD, ALIVE or SOMETHING ELSE?

FULL SHOT WOODS -- CONTINUOUS

The two struggle as Michael miraculously evades several attempts to pierce his skin, some which come perilously close to OWEN. Realizing this, Michael fights to free his arm long enough to fire his weapon.

Only a quick swipe from his hand keeps the creature from plunging its jaws into his flesh. His hand under the creature's chin, Michael manages to position his weapon and FIRES INTO ITS ABDOMEN. It succeeds only in jolting the attacker from his grip. Its teeth fall into the FLESH OF MICHAEL'S SHOULDER... Michael's gun falls from his hand in unison.

Letting out a HORRIFIC SCREAM, Michael launches the creature and himself from Owen. He rips a bowie knife from it's belt THRUSTING it into the creature's skull as the momentum of another attack pushes the blade deep between it's deadened eyes.

Michael rams the motionless body to the ground jamming the knife in tighter to relieve it of any life it might possess. He looks down at the figure below him. He seems to recognize him. He closes his eyes to regain himself.

MICHAEL
Jesus, forgive the sinner in me. Strengthen me lord to do all I must.

Michael's focus returns amazingly fast to OWEN. Despite his deep wound he cradles the boy in his arms with tenderness that matches his rage in battle. He listens for a heartbeat and a breath.

MICHAEL
Owen...can you hear me? Wake up...Owen. Please!

WIDER, we see a FIGURE FLASH PASSED US. Michael turns, aware of the presence. He lowers Owen gently to the ground. Standing up, he quietly but quickly pulls out his INFANTRY SWORD.

We MOVE IN on Michael as he glances down at his wounded shoulder and to what lies before him.



2. EXT. WOODS -- LATER
 
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Kemper,

Congratulations!

First on asking for advice, second on actually listening to it, and third on taking the time to rewrite.

If you can continue to do those three simple things (not as simple as they sound actually) you will be amazed how your writing improves over time.

The craft of screenwriting is just that, a craft that can be learned.

Chris
 
Kemper: I fully agree with Chris! Now make a radical experiment: Get over your script and wipe out literally EVERY WORD AND EVERY SENTENCE THAT IS NOT ABSOLUTELY NECESARY FOR THE UNDERSTANDING OF THE STORY. Then post it again :)

One little suggestion: Why don´t we use this typo when showing part of a script?
 
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I'll quote you and then give my personal advice on the writing, hope that's okay. Although you're probably writing a script for yourself to direct, I'll comment as if you were writing for a producer. (If you write for yourself to direct, you can write just about everything you want!).

Kemper said:
EXT. SHAWNEE TERRITORY -- MORNING

A heavily wooded Oak forest is silhouetted by the morning sun. An eerie stillness is shaken by faint gunfire. The SOUND of approaching footsteps takes over.
Click to expand...

comments: "heavily wooded oak forest" would be better as "dense woods" or something shorter. Is it important to the story that the forest is Oak trees?

"silhouetted by the morning sun" this is directing on paper, and is your personal vision of the shot. While this gives you yourself a meaning of what to shoot, it tells us nothing. I see some trees and a sun in the background when I read the words. Is this what you want me to see? Generally: artsy language remain something for lyrical or poetic texts, but scripts are somewhere closer to prose. Generally: avoid using words to describe beautiful images... It doesn't work the way we want it to.

"eerie" is an adjective... Generally: avoid too many adjectives in a screenplay. Write "what we see" on screen instead of "what we feel, what we see and beautiful language"

"is shaken" ... I don't know what it's called in English, but it's not a verb in the PRESENT form which are standard for scriptwriting. "shakes" is better. ALWAYS write in present time.

"the sound of approaching footsteps take over" - Do not make the sound designer out of work :) write instead what we see. Images are almost always more powerful than sound effects. Something better (relatively speaking) would be: "someone runs by". I know that one might be corny, but you get the idea.

Here's the original up with my own, more "producer-friendly" version:

"A heavily wooded Oak forest is silhouetted by the morning sun. An eerie stillness is shaken by faint gunfire. The SOUND of approaching footsteps takes over."

"The morning sun shines through the dense forest. A gunshot breaks the stillness. Branches snap before an unseen figure."

As you can see, your own language is BETTER and MORE ARTISTIC, but unfortunately: producers don't like plowing through 100 pages of heavy literature every morning :) they want it concise and to the point.

General tips:
*write in present time
*Tell us what we SEE, not what we think
*and as always: you'll need an interesting story with great characters.

As always: even though Charlie Kaufman makes a fool out of him in "Adaptation" (2001) (and maybe rightly so), Robert McKee and his "Story" is the BIBLE of screenwriting.

I suggest reading the book, cause if you're going to break the rules, you gotta KNOW the rules :)

good luck!
 
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The most important thing is to write! In my humble opinion some people feel more comfortable writing a short story which is a great exercise. Yo don´t have to concentrate that much on the special needs of screenwriting. Just let it go and try to tell an interesting story. That helps a lot to translate your ideas and emotions into words.

I had to write a mini serial for the local TV with a producer - who also was my very professional and skilled critic in that process - and It worked! I wrote 13 screenplays and a feature screenplay within 4 month. That was a great experience. We could´nt realize the project because there´s always a terrible lack of money in my country but the experience was very encouraging. After all I do´nt consider myself a professional writer but I got a taste of how it feels like, how a screenplay is going to materialize, I learned a certain "flow" in that process.

So the best recommendation I can give is to write, to write and to write and not to be afraid of making a fool out of you. And if you have the luck to have a really competent critic the better off you are.
 
messineo is right.

though novelistic screenwriting is not as cut and dry as some think. i simply cannot resist sometimes. i know for a fact it's a "rule" that is broken all the time and imhop as long as you are judicious and don't abuse it, the occasional lapse won't kill a story and may enhance it.

it's really a trap to obsess over the rules and dismiss outright any sp that doesn't conform with exacting rigitdity.

btw, these comments aren't directed at messineo, it's obvious from his post he knows what the hell he's talking about.
 
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