just for you....

N

Neil Rowe

Rowe Cine LLC
i was going to add this to the rediculous "michael pappas banned" thread but it was lock right before i could add it..lol so here you go.. il post it here.

...so i was out mowing the lawn the other day and this guy comes over to me and says "you got any money on you?" .. and of course i was a bit set back by it, but i looked at him and said "no .. sorry i dont" .. so the guy just stands there and asks again "you sure you dont have any money on you?" .. and i was like .. "uh yeah.. im mowing the lawn.. " and the guy says .. :whats that supposed to mean.. are you being smart?".. which of course leaves the answer wiiide open for a smart aleky "iamloserish " sort of response . .. but i dont want to start anything with the guy so i just say.." no.. no im not being smart.. i just dont carry money with me when i mow the lawn".. and he comes right back with "you expect me to believe that?!. yeah right buddy.. you too good for me or something?" .. so i sit there for a sec as he stares at me while i think about what im going to say.. all i could come up with to try and avoid confrontation was " no.. im not too good. .. so why do you want to know if i have money on me anyway?" and the guy says "what .. you think im some sort of freak?" .. so now my wife is looking out the window and i glance over at her and see she has this look on here face that says "what on earth is going on.. .. oh no./. what did you say to him" so i kindof do the shoulder shrug to her that says "i have no idea.." and shea keeps watching.. and i turn to the guy and he says.." give me your lawnmower" and i started laughing.. i tried not to but i did. and he got really mad.. and said it again "give me your lawnmower.. so i stood there. and the just said "no" . and then he says.. "well.. then give me some money" .. and i just say "no" again. he looks at me and says.. "i get what i want..so you better be good".. and i stared laughing again. and he steps forward to push me.. so i stepped backwards to avoid it but i pulled the lawnmower back with me, and the dude trips on the lawnmower with me still hanging onto it.. so the thing flips over and he lands on top of it, and the blade literally gutted the guy on my lawn. so i stood there for a second and then flipped the lawnmower back over. he was definitely dead. but then this other guy comes running and starts trying to hit me saying"what did you do to earl?!".. "what did you do .. im gonna kill you.. your dead" so im backing away from the guy and he trips on the lwanmower and it guts him. and then this dog just runs over and jumps into the lawnmower and it guts him. so i stand there for a second and and then i flip the lawnmower back over but i notice a squirrel had run under it at the last second, and it gutted him. and then i shut the lawnmower off and went inside to get some juice. and when i came back out the lawnmower was upside down again and th mailman was gutted on top of it.. then a bird flew down and was gutted. so i flipped it back over and shut it off again.. and then i removed the blade and took the engine off it.. and went back inside .. to get the roto-tiller. but then my wife was making scrambled eggs so i stayed a while and ate some of those and watched some strawberry shortcake with my daghter.. then the phone rings and i pick it up and its my great uncle and he says that hes going to go to hawaii and wants to know if we wanted to go with him.. so i said "yes" of course... and he said wed have to leave right away.. so we got packed and drove 86 miles to the airport and when we get tere we find that our whole fmaily is standing in line for tickets.. so we were all kindof loike"wahats up with this" but it was a good time to see everyone and know that we were all going to get to go on a trip together . and about 4 hours later or so we arrived in our first layover stop in LA .. so were all sitting around the vending machines and yakin and snakin when the airport announcer says that our plane just left.. i was pretty confused because it wasnt supposed to leave for another hour or so.. so i went to ask the gate person if i had heard it correctly.. and she said that it indeed had just left . the next flight wasnt unitll another 6 hours or so so i went back and took a seat next to the bubble yum dispenser in the foodcourt. before too long we were all playing "pictionary" and getting all loud and stuff so the airport clerk had to come and tell us to be quiet.. and of course my cousin rob has to get all loud and tell him off. and within a half minute hes being hauled away by airport security because he spit on the guy.. absolutely rediculous. so that sort of put a hush on the rest of us that were untill then having a pretty good day. an hour or two into our wait i went down to the bagel shop to get some food for the fam, and the gy at the counter looked really familiar.. so im trying to read the menu up above and look at him at the same time without letting him know that im looking at him.. then all of a sudden he just says.. "so..how have you been" and i look down to talk to him and say "oh im doing ok.." but i realise hes looking at the girl behind me who is a stewardess and eats there all the time when she stops. i sort of felt stupid, but they were kind enough to pretend like they didnt notice so i just kept looking at the menu till i found this one sandwich that loooked pretty good. so i ordered the fams food and then the tastey sounding sandwich for myslef. but when iget back and bite into it.. there was a fly in the lettuce.. a big nasty fly.. oh my gosh i treid so hard not to puke but i ralphed all over the foodcourt. and i stood up to try to get to the bathroom but i couldnt stop ralphing .. it was masty chunk time all around me.. so anyway.. i eventually saw the bathroom and ran over and went inside.. and got all cleaned up.. and of course the guy from the bagel place comes in to do his business when im cleaning up. so he walks in and sees me and asks.."how was the sandwich".. and i look at him and say .. i just cleaned up from puking all over..he says "yeah i saw that" and starts to laugh.. so i tell him there was a fly in the sandwhich .. and he keeps laughing.. so i just finished washing my hands and walked out to the bagel place to speak with themanagement. so i tell them the whole deal before the guy gets back.. and when he gets there thet manager pulls him aside and asks him about the fly and what happend in the bathroom.. of course the guy denies it all and calls me a liar. so i go back to the sandwhich over on the floor and bring it up to the manager and show him the fly . and the manager looks back at the guy and tells him to come up to the front.. and then he starts yelling at him .. and i mean he was yelllliung .. very very loud,, the whole foodcourt ios watching this thing unfold, and all of a sudden the manager shouts "this is what you get when you lie to me" and punches the guy right in the face. so the guy hits the floor, and hes out cold, and then the manager pulls this lever and the floor drops open and the guy falls down into a tunnel or something and the floor closes back up.. i have no idea what that was all about,. but i didnt see the guy again that day. and the manager guy gave me another sandwich and anything offthe menu i wanted for free.. so that was cool . anyway so we finally get on our plane and were headed off towards our vacation when the stewardess stops in the aisle and pulls out a knife on me.. she shouts.. this is for booby the bagel dude, and goes to stab me, but all of a suddedn the floor drops open and she falls out into the air.. then the floor close back up and i hear someone say "gotcha!" and i look back and its the bagel store manager ..he winks at me and then ducks down in his chair.. soo that was weird. but we were pretty happy to be on our way . te flight was pretty long, and my daughter kept wanting to run up and down the aisle but she was pretty good all things considered. we touched down in hawaii with picture perfect weather and time to spare to get to our hotel and get back out and about. our hotel was this little place that looked more like a mobile home than a business. but it was nice and cozy and served the purpose so we got unpacked and me the rest of the fam outside to see what wed do with the end ofthe day. i guess someone sugested that we all try to go surfing so thats what we did till it got too dark. i wasnt a very good surfur, but i could see getting goo at it with practise and time. i managed to ride a few waves pretty far in , and i wasnt eaten by a shark so i figured i did ok. the next morning i woke up to the smell of pancakes and waffles .. but it smeeled a little off. my unlce was cooking them on the grill outside. the same one he never cleans and uses to cook shrimp all the time. i didnt bother asking why he flew his grill out there.. i already knew the answer.. " its got more flavor.. and if my food dosnt have flavor.. well then it just aint food" .. uh sure.. so i passed on the breakfast at the hotel.. and went down the road for some eggs at a local place. we kept laughing at the salt and pepper shakers there because they looked like little chess peices .. it wasnt really funny.. but then neither are we.. so we laughed at it. that day was pretty fun .. we went for a tour of a volcano and got to see some pretty cool lizards, and a couple really neat little bird that would peck the eyes out of the lizards. i told my daughter she needed to learn from the birds.. and that boys were like lizards.. .. she thought that was funny and then stuck a pen in my eye.. so that ended that day on a sad note..
 
.i spent the next two days wearing an eye patch and walking around like i had a peice of glass in my hip.. well technically i did have a peice of glass in my hip.. you see. on the way to the volcano tour we stopped to take some picture next to this really cool scenic place where this tree dipped its braches down creating a sort of "doorway" or window looking out over the islands and the ocean.. it was really nice tto just sit there and look... and relax. we downed some pb and j's there and let the kids run and play .. sort of a picnic . but right about after my second pb+j this car broke down on the road next to where we were eating. one of my aunts went over to ask what was wrong .. and this guy jumps out of the car and grabs her and pulls her in the car and goes speeding down the road. so i go and jump into our rental and go chasing down the ropad after them// about a mile ionto the chase a turtle ran out in front of my car, and i tried to avoid it but lost control in some sandf on the side of the road and hit a rock head on.. the drivers side window shattered and some glass flew onto the seat .. when i was getting out i sat on some and it broke off in my leg. but anyway.. i havent seen that aunt since.. oh well.. so after a couple days with an eye patch and a limp i was ready for more hawaii action. I got up the following morning and went out for a jog with my wife along the coast line. We watched the sunrise and sipped a couple coronas before heading back to the hotel. When we got there we found the now familiar fishy pancake smell and some of the kids playing in the little yard. We told the group that we wer going to do our own thing that day and cleaned the sandbox sand off our daughter and headed down the winding roads in the new rental towards the nearby resort. We just wanted to have some good food for breakfast and really didn’t have a plan for the rest of the day, but man the food was god at that resort.. and we managed to sneak out some jetskis for a cheap rental fee as well.. I think they thought we were staying there at the resort. We caught a couple of fireworks shows later that night, and watched the sunset over the ocean .. and packed our stuff up to head home the next day. After we had arrived back home we were pleased to find that we had only a small pile of junk mail stuffed into our mailbox.. and the rest was bills.. yeah bills.. I guess we weren’t to pleased about that part .. but the low amount of junk mail certainly was good. A couple weeks l;ater I got a call from an old friend of mine who said hed been working on a project involving something about the sun and trying to make artificial rain and that .. but I hung up on him cause it was boring.. my wife and I decided that we were going to add an inground pool so we spent a week or so trying our hands at the controls of a backhoe we rented . we certainly dug a big hole in the yard.. a couple cats fell in and were gutted on sharp rocks at the bottom. But overall it was a good experience digging the hole.. we special ordered our pool a bit larger because we got carried away digging the hole and made it a bit too big to spec for the standard size we had planned for .. so we figures wed just go bigger with the pool as well . it pretty much takes up the whole yard.. it took us a couple weeks to finish the shading from the upper canopy. Its pretty much the best pool weve ever done. But my wife thought she could get away with digging a hole through our snotty neighbors roof with the backhoe when they weren’t looking… well .. ok so it was me.. but I was really tired and .. I mean .. how many times do you have a backhoe at your disposal? . .. luckily I was able to quickly jump off the thing and break my leg and claim that it went out of control.. the next day the newspapers read.. “demon backhoe wreaks havoc on good upstanding citizen.. terrorizes neighboring homes”.. realistically it was only one home.. so they got that part wrong.. but ill let them believe the rest was all ok. After all.. how many times do you get to be in the newspaper headlines? So anyway we like our new pool.. its nice to just sit and chill and take a dip to calm the nerves after a long day of .. well sitting and chilling by the pool. So we spent the next week or so just making up excuses to get in the pool or sit around and dangle our feet into it. Wed mix up a couple margaritas and just watch the clouds roll by. My daughter learned to swim with her little water wings… although I completely hate those things.. they are like the ultimate fashion disgrace. so I took a lot of pictures of her in here water wings so when she gets older I can use them as leverage. Anyway.. so yeah .. we like the pool. A couple of days ago I walked into the bathroom and decided that it could use some renovation. So I just started pulling the tiles off the wall.. then I thought that it would be too messy .. and I stopped. Were going to call someone to come in and finish ethe job so we can sit by the pool more. Its been chilly the last couple nights .. and I tend to sleep better when the air is cooler, but for some ungodly reason my young neighbors decided that they would play their music really really loud at 11:30 at night.. so I gave then about 10 minutes and then I called the police to come and tell them to shut up. About 20 min later the music died don and I could hear people leaving the house .. mustve been some sort of party going on. .. too bad they don’t know how to keep their window closed so that the music doesn’t resonat through the whole neighborhood. And instead they have to wander around outside being loud stupid drunken idiots and keep people awake. Anyway .. so this morning I get up and find an old cookie lying on the floor. I have no idea how it got there.. we didn’t buy any cookies like that.. in fact we wouldn’t ever.. ive never even seen a cookie like this before.. and part f me wonders if its really even a cookie.. or if its just some cosmic space dust that flew in trough the window overnight and conglomerated on the floor. Or perhaps ts like that time I had the goldfish… and it died.. but then it was still dead the next day. Or maybe its like the time that I thought I was looking through a window in the dark.. but really iwas looking at a reflection of the window on a piece of glass over a large painting on the wall.. and when my wife turned the lights on I was staring at the wall and completely disoriented. Or maybe its like the time that I went to the race track and then left after the race.. it could even be like the time that I ate 3 doughnuts and then drake that juice that was red .. but not too red, and tasted like sweet mangos but was not mango.. and was only really just a regular juice from the store that you can buy for 1.50 if you happen to have 1.50 on you when you happen to be at the store and feel like buying juice that is red .. but not too red and sweet and goes down smooth but then you drink it all and its gone in a flash cause it never really existed and you cant even think as to why you would ever want juice like that but it tastes so good and you want more so you sell all your crayons just to buy a sip but then the sip is gone and your left alone .. sad and alone. Yeah .. so there was this cookie anyway.. and we couldn’t figure out how it got there.. so I go to pick the thing up and I notice it has a key baked into it.. like a house key.. so I pull the key out while wearing rubber gloves.. and wash it off.. the key has an address etched into it. So we go onto google and see where this place is.. apparently the only street address matching comes up in bradsford utah. And I love a good mystery.. so we packed our things and head of to bradsford.. key in hand. We diecided to make it a raod trip since the last time we flew it was soo much money. It wanst really too much cheaper driving cause of the gas prices. But we had fun.. we d play slug bug and the “I spy “ game and all other sorts of road trip things on the way. Every now and then wed sing some stupid song that we all hated just to remind ourselves how much we hate those songs. .. you know .. songs like “oh I wish I were… a slug” and “ how much pepper can you stick in a pie” and “ don’t stop the beef from mooing” yeah…. Anyway so the trip was ok. We stayed overnight at this little place half way there cause we left so late. And they had this cool little breakfast bar that you could go up to and they would slide the food down this slide from the kitchen to your chair. So I thought it would be cool to build a little ramp and watch the foods journey continue all the way through the air to the floor .. they didn’t think that was cool.. but I did. So when we arrived in this little tiwn to test out this key we found it was a ghost town.. a real live.. well .. not live .. but more ghost like.. town. It was pretty freaky.. I kept clucking like a chicken everytime wed come around a corner cause .. well I always do that.. but so we drove up to the place that we thought was the right address and we go up and try the key.
 
. It works. So we open up the place and its just a staircase .. going down. Theres no rooms inside. Only a staircase. Naturally I throw a road flare down to see whats down there .. and of course it cathes some cobwebs on fire and the whole place goes up in less than 10 minutes.. I swear it was dusty in there.. so we never did find out what was down the stairs.. oh well.. the ride back home was fun.. we stoped by this little ice cream shop where they only serve vanilla ice cream.. I asked them why and the guy says.. cause it’s the cheapest.. and there aint another ice cream store around.. then he chuckled and shook a cone at me in a nanny like fashion.. so that made sense.. and I ate the ice cream and we headed down the road again. Before too long we stopped again at another ice cream store that only served butterscotch. I asked him if he knew about the place that only served vanilla.. and he said he knew about it.. he said they were “not right” and said they don’t get much business cause he takes it all from them cause all they serve is vanilla. I told him that the other guy said there wasn’t another ice cream store around.. and the guy looked at me and smiled and said.. “now don’t you go and tell them there is either” .. so that made sense.. so we at ethe ice cream and went on our way. we stayed at the same hotel on the way back as we did on the way there. And they wouldn’t let me into the breakfast bar. But I ordered room service, and got the same tasty food. So anyway my neighbor is now telling me that they are going to move because they figure theres going to be an earthquake sooner or later where we live.. I told them that I don’t think theres ever been one here, but he said that its just building up and we all going to die unless we move. I told him wed miss him round here and that he should stop by if hes ever in the area again. He said they were moving to London in England cause he thinks that they wil be able to get cheap tickets to watch the annual sheep sheering contest in Norway if they have London residency.. so I wished him luck in his ventures. They moved out yesterday. …finally!!!! Right after they moved we cut down the tree in the yrad that sits right on the property line.. cause they never wanted to.. but now its gone.. and we get more light in through the front of the home now..and fro the skylights. It was a pretty big tree. And if you look at it just right it looks like its making a sad face. So I was glad to see it gone after all this time. My dentist told me that the same thing happened to him a few years ago.. well not really though.. he just picked up a stick and hit his neighbors dog cause it was in his yard.. but he somehow thought it was close enough to my situation that he could pretend it was the same thing.. anyway . ive been working on this project for a local school district .. its supposed to highlight the “hall fights” of all the schools and prove which school is the toughest once and for all.. yeah.. its pretty stupid. Im not really working on it.. I just said I would and then laughed when I hung up.. haha . theyre in for a surprise when they pack the theater and see 1 ½ hours of fraggle rock reruns that I dubbed the voices over. Good stuffs. On a side note I was just thinking that out of all the things I could possibly ever do that would make me feel like a bird.. I could jump into a vat of glue and then stick little pebbles all over me and run down the street shouting”im the pebble man! ..look at me,, im covered in pebbles! “ and then everyone would think I was a bird.. unless they were a bird.. then I don’t think they would fall for it cause they would know that I don’t really look very birdy. And as soon as I started talking they would know for sure. They would know I was a fraud. And only covered in pebbles,, and not able to fly.. which would be pretty disappointing. .. for them I mean.. cause I think they would want to have a cool really big bird friend that was all pebble like. So they might be disappointed or even angry. Oh well. So anyway I igure that if I start saving about 1 dollar a day that I will have enough to buy something pretty cool after another 50 years.. then I can show off my cool thing and put it somewhere that makes it look extra cool at my home. So people walk in and say .. wow! Now that’s cool! And they look at me and say.. he owns something cool. And I wil be like “ yep.. that’s my cool thing” .. nah but I do know this guy that trys to be all fresh with the ladies and hes constantly making up total lies about how rich he is and how many businesses he owns and such to try and impress them.. it doesn’t wok that well cause hes obviously making it up.. I don’t understand why on earth he thinks that its actually going to work. He actually had his anwering machine at one point say “hello.. this is _____’s business, please leave a message” you need to insert his name on the blank. Im not kidding.. he actually thought that that way they would think he was a big business man and like hm cause his answering machine said “ hi this is ____’s business.. please leave a message” .. what the heck.. then he made business cards that said “business” on them and had his phone number and name. haha ,, it was one of the stupidest things ive ever seen.. the business had no name.. it was just “business” .. hilarious.. anyway so he’s still single. Unless hes discovered how well a cbusiness card that says “secret agent man” and your number on it works. Of course coupled with an answering machine message saying “ this is a secret hideout, please leave a message”.. then he’d be fighting them off for sure. ..yeah right .. that just like the time that he tried to tell me that he was fighting them off at some bar he went to where all these football cheerleaders were apparently hanging ot after a game and decided to make him the “guy of the night” .. uh yeah.. then he pulled out this foam football and told me it was the proof.. there was about 10 signatures on it .. all obviously his handwriting that signed various girls names.. funny thing is they all also alledgedly wrote something cool about him next to the signatures ..like” your super cool” or “ I really like you” .. or even “ im glad that I could get to know you better cause your so nice and fun to be around and I like your business” .. uh sure buddy .. I believe you. Then he tell me that they gave him fron row tickect to the next game and shows me a picture of the sidelines from the newspaper and points to the water boy. .. what a shame. I cant believe its not butter.. and I cant believe hes still doing the same ol same ol. Oh well.. a big W for “whateva” goes out to him wherever he is now. So my mother tells me that she was thinking about trying out her hand at tennis.. I told her I don’t know if shed like it but she said that shed played before and just wants to get into it again.. so that’s cool I guess. Shes more than too old for it now, but as long as shes having fun that’s all that matters .. sides I tried tennis once and I kept hitting the ball out of the court and spent most of the time going around the fence to retrieve it . it hard to admit that I suck that bad… uh so I wont.. I did really good.. yeeeeesssssss I have a tennis business. Uh huh.. it does tenissy things. Anyway the casadillas im eating now are really good. They’ve got peppers and all sorts of stuff that’s really good in them . my wife makes them well . I don’t think I give hger enough credit for coming up with all the tastey variety of food she makes. She really takes her time to pick out the right recipies and find new stuff to try.. im a pretty same ol same ol kinda guy and sort of adverse to trying new things al the time .. but for every really crappy meal she makes.. theres at least 10 that are really really good. This new type of quesadilla is no exception .. its really good.. its got some sort of pepper in it.. its yellow .. it was better hot last night,., but now its cold and still good for a leftover lunch . although last night when I was eating it I kept looking at the yellow peppers and wondering what they were.. sounds stupid but I coudt figure it out.,. we just never use yellow pepper . .ever .. so I though it was slices of some fruit or something .. or some spicy sort of curry thing so I asked her e and she said “yellow peppers” but I still kept looking at it like it was some sort of unheard of food or something synthetic.. anyway they are good . I guess we should eat them more often . you know what else is good? Marshmallows. Its been wuite a while since ive had a marshmallow.. I mean im not talking about the little sugar bombs in cereal that they dare call marshamallows.. im talking about the real deal.. the fluffy stuff.. you know. The kind you roast in a s’more or stick in your hot chocolate or melt into smooth whipped topping for a cupcake. Yeah that’s right.
 
Those ones.. you cn taste iot now cant you.. but whats that .. oh wait.. it’s a wendy’s chili finger in there.. nasty.. your spitting it out.. spitting.. now your gagging .. more gagging. Yeah.. would’ve been pretty good without the finger though.. if it was just the marshmallows I mean.. yeah .. that would be tastey. So that reminds me of this guy that I used to rent a room in my old house to. The gy was always drinking and smoking.. that’s all he would do.. he used to stand out in the driveway and drink a 6 pack of beer and play with a stick in the gravel. Then he’d come in and eat our food out of the fridge.. when I confronte him about it.. his response was …“what, cmon.. so maybe I take a little mayonnaise…!” uh yeah .. but we didn’t have mayonnaise.. but if by some chance he meant “I eat your pizzas and your sandwiches, and your leftovers, and your ice cream and drink your juice and wine” well then he would have been correct. But mayonnaise was nowhere to be found in the fridge. So anyway we eventually had to have him commited. Seriously .. it was sad cause he was a good guy and very talented. But he just couldn’t get his head in the right direction since th “big breakup” with his girlfriend from many years before.. and it was all downhill from there. so I haven’t heard from him since then. But what can you do? That’s life . and in the middle of of it all is this little marble .. spinning.. spinning.. but then it stops.. and starts spinniung and spinning again .. and then it rolls down a tube into a basin ful of water and starts swirling around and someone pours some butter in the bowl and makes it all gunky so I don’t want to look at it anymore. And that’s pretty much it. But anyway .. I was thinking that my pillow isn’t firm enough lately .. cause my head sinks into it a little too much at night, and it makes my head hot.. I cant sleep with a hot head.. I like being cooler and have some airflow .. so I though a firmer pillow might help a bit.. but the guy at the pillow store says that he doesn’t really think it will make a difference. He said” a pillow is a pillow.. just be happy you got one,, and your not like those guys in somolia that don’t” so that was refreshing.. I was really glad I went to the pillow store that day. And anyway, who wants to talk to some guy that doesn’t even know about pillows at a pillow store .. huh.. that’s like asking the zookeeper to bite you,, cause he is a lion. Well not really but that sounded cool .. uh to someone. So it needed to be said. At any rate I figure that since its spring time I can go out and get some more fresh air and enjoy the little maggots and stuff that are underground.. well not really .. I don’t enjoy them but the birds and stuff are cool.. and the maggots feed the birds,, so … well you know .. go t to give them some credit for their maggoty lives. But mosquitoes.. well I have no love for them .. they are pure dung. Mostly due to the fact that waaay back in ancient history the king mosquito made a packed with the dung queen, and they had babies. But mostly just dung.. yeah.. that’s why they get no love. Not from me.. and I hear abe Lincoln doesn’t like them either.. rightly so. , cause its all about respect .. and they don’t respect my personal space.. they are like “space invaders” .. oooooohhhh yeaaaaaaahhhh .. I need to make an article called”space invaders” and make it about mosquitoes and how dung like they are. That would rock. Everyone would read it and think I have a business. Or maybe I could write an article on all the cool stuuf that goes on in the north pole round Christmas time. for example. Did you know that every year around Christmas there is little elves that make toys in the north pole. And then theres this little deer that has a glowing nose.. I call him .. “glow nose deer” and he pulls this magic flying sleigh that brings toys to all the kids . and this guy rides in it and goes down chimneys.. he laughs a lot and sings songs about what people do when they think no ones watching on Christmas eve. Yeah.. pretty amazing stuff id say.. its like an ant farm.. all hustle and bustle and sometimes theres a little ant carousel and they ride around on it and get sick and puke little ant food out. Its nasty.. yeah, .. so I guesss its not like an ant farm.. its more like a .. well like a shopping mall. So anyway my sister called and said shell be coming up to visit for a while this spring. The last time I saw her was last spring when they stopped by on their way through when they were living with a group of people that were walking around the world.. thet didn’t work out so well , but shes doing good now. She said shes going to briong up my old soap box derby car when she comes.. which is really cool . I built the thing from scratch, and I used to win about every race I was in. until the day that chester fennerud started racing.. his dad bought him his car, and it was really nice.. it was always waxed up and super fast. The best I could ever do was come in second.. which was ok I guess nobody liked chester because he was such a bragger and always putting others down . so anyway the last time we raced I almost beat him .. until my foot got stuck under the steering arm and I veered off course and went right into the crowd. I hit some guy that flew up over the moon.. so that was weird. But other than that nobody got hurt. And although I came in last I still like the fact that I would’ve won.. it was just the thought that counted. Chester continually made fun of me about my cheap car and its steering, but I knew that I was the better racer for being a good sport.. and also cause I took a dump in his cars seat the next night. But anyway it was a good time all in all and im excited to see the ol racer again cause of all the memories. It should be a good time.. ive been looking around for a hill that I can take it down .. if I can stil fit.. I might have o modify it a little, but nothing too drastic . theres a good hill that I saw a kid fall and break his arm on about a mile away so I that usually means that a hill is pretty fast. I went to the local hobby store to get some paint supplies so I can repaint it up and get it all spiffy looking again. They asked what I was doing with the paint and I told them.. they thought it was pretty cool and one of them said that his brother just got out his old soap box car and took it down a hill and hit a semi head on and the semi exploeded and killed the driver. His brother was fine. Anyway though im not sure about his story but he sounded like he used to race. So I ask him if he raced around here and he says yeahand stars describing his car.. it sounded just like chesters.. so I look at his nametag. Sure enough.. it’s the same guy. So I tell him tat I was the guy that lost the one time cause I went off the road and he started laughing and said wow he couldn’t believe it was me.. and then I rememberd the doo doo incident and hoped he never figured it out.. turned out he didn’t and anyway after some talking we set up a rce the next day.. he still had his old racer.
 
Got about ten minutes into this when I noticed I was 1/4 of the way through. . .
Really funny thus far. Write more when I finish reading. Maybe. :thumbsup:
 
So I show up the next day… and sure enough hes there waxing up his racer on the top of the hill. I immediately noticed that he had added some extra graphics to the side which read “ to fast for you” .. I resisted the urge to chuckle as much as I could and quietly sauntered over to him pulling my racer behind me. “nice day” he says.. “nice day for you to go down again” he adds.. I just snickered and thought about him cleaning the poop off his seat .. that was enough for me . so I set up my racer and got in with my helmet on. Another 10 minutes passed and he finally decided there was enough wax on his racer and decided it was time to race. From the seats of the cars we sat quiet for a second looking down the hill. Then he looked over at me and asked me “ .. you think you might have won that day.. you know.. if your steering wasn’t jammed?” .. I just smiled and said .. “who could know?” my wife sasked if we were ready to go and we both said yes.. hse started the countdown.. 3 …..2…..1 and pulled the cord out.. we started out slowly but soon built up a furious speed. His cart and mine were neck and neck. The wheels were just a blur, as the houses whizzed by… I could see the sweat on his brow as he gritted his teeth in hopes that his racer would pull ahead in a blitz of speed. My hands tightened on the wheel as I gently persuaded my racer to fly straight as an arrow down the road.. I looked up ahead at the finish line still quite a ways off and I looked over at chester .. then I reached down into my racer and pulled the release.. the release I had been working on for the last week which allowed my racer to drop down a air dam skirt around the bottom and gain an extra 3 mph . my racer slowly pulled forward and away from chester . I smiled from ear to ear as the cart sped dow t he hill towards the finish.. brief glances back over my shoulder revealed chester fading further into the losers circle. I costed effortlessly over the finish line and applied the brake and came to a stop .. chest er stopped a little ways behind me ..in second place. As I got out of the car I took the helmt off and walked over to chester who was still sitting in his racer with a disappointed look on his face. “ good race” I said. Chester somewhat begrudgingly conceded and replied “yeah.. good race” .. “well ive got to run” I said.. weve got to get home before noon. My wife pulled up in thE car and I started to load my race gear into the car. Chester just sat silently in his racer and didn’t say a word. I watched him sit there in the rearview as we drove away down the street.. it would be years later before I could laugh at how stupid looking he was there . right then and there I felt a sadness for him. He was a king without a crown. Alone in the world .. with an old but waxed up second place racer. So I tip my hat to you chester.. wherever you may be.. may you race swift .. and reach the finish safely. As for me .. well I settled down and got a little place in the country . a couple horses to keep up and a little garden out back. We like to watch the sunset .. and the clouds roll by.. and from time to time I think about chester.. and how stupid he looked sitting there all alone. And its worth a good laugh.
 
Now it really is like the old board is back! BTW Neil, a long time ago, when I mentioned putting off changing my sons poopie diaper as long as possible, and you replied with a note about rashes, I just wanted you to know that I wasnt refering to hours....I was talkin like 10 minutes or so! I doubt you'll even remember that, but it has bothered me several times since then. I might be just taking a shower with my eyes closed, letting the steam and heat take me into a mini shamanic trance, and there I am, ashamed you might think me a child neglectionist. I honestly have no idea why its bothered me so much...heck, its been over a year now, but it just does and I want to clear it up now. BTW2, he's now potty trained.
 
lol i know what you mean. stuff like that bothers me too. yeah you beat me to the ptooy training thing .. my daughter was all gung ho about it for like 2 weeksand then didnt want to hearthe word. . so we gave it a rest and well try again soon.. right now were getting rid of the nook, and thats really hard.. then well take on potty training again.. but alas.. weve got another one coming in a few months so itll be square one again.. thats why we want to have the first all set to go .. so we dont have 2 in diapers. :)
 
lol...
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longest thread ever..
 
Man. The DNS for DVXuser went down right after I got the reply notification. Luckily, I had saved the whole story to my drive to read at leasure. All I can say is, I have really messed up big time and kidnapped the wrong woman to hold for ransom. Very disappointing, as I was planning to use the money to build my own Dorito knockoff factory, except for slightly less cheesy to save a little overhead, but since theyve started passing out condoms in schools I dont even know if thats a good idea any more.

So after I got her in my car and lost the (iam)loser chasing after me (he shoulda seen that turtle....he must not have notices my swerve) she started just bitchin and bitchin about the cheap Mexican pot. I have no idea what she was talkin about, cause you cant even get that crap here on the island, but I was afraid I was gonna be hearin that for 3 hours on the Ferry to Kawaii, so I picked her up a little Big Island Gold just to get her to shut up, and...long story short we're married now.

After I took her to see the coral reefs, we started thinking real hard about the effects of the Navy sonar pings on the navagation systems of the whales. You know, it screws them up big time, because they use a system of vibrational pings for almost every thing they do...not just navagation....oh no. They use it for a very sophisticated system of fully 3 dimensional holographic concept transfers, where they can actually show the other whales what they are thinking by sending the shape of their thoughts in vibratory form. Its pretty cool, but I've seen cooler.
 
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