I've written a 10 page screenplay so far...I'm stuck. Should I even carry on?

SuperEgo Saxton

SuperEgo Saxton

Active member
I have a screenplay I've been working with on and off for a couple of months. Maybe the odd day I'd go over it and rewrite dialogue or completely gut scenes. I have around 10 pages at the minute. I have a full story in my head, but i'm finding connecting pivotal scenes difficult. I'm also finding it difficult to keep my full attention on this.

Can I just post what I have so far for you guys to read?View attachment Atrophy Screenplay so far.pdf

Screw it, you know when you feel like something is a lost cause.

Honest opinions, freaking murder it haha
I've never posted a screenplay before :P
 
Keep Calm and Carry On

Keep Calm and Carry On

When the protagonist mentions that he is in shock. I felt like he was diagnosing himself a little to well for someone just out of a coma. He seems to take along time to ask after his parents, is that on purpose? To show his confusion at his situation.
I imagine this looking a lot like the butterfly and the diving bell but filmed somewhere that does not look like your usual hospital with off white walls. Somewhere with no windows, sparsely furnished with cheap chairs and a proper hospital bed. Like a supermarkets staff lunch room, mustard colored walls with no windows and mustard colored corridors with no windows. The kind of place that would give him a very good reason to look at his chart.
I would like to find out why he is not on the list you should keep writing just to explore that.
 
You need to write your first draft as quickly as possible. Stick your finger down your throat and regurgitate it. Keep writing and don't look back until you're done. That little nagging voice that says its no good. Don't listen to it now. Listen to it later, when you're rewriting. Your first draft is going to be imperfect anyways, no matter how much time you spend on it, so you might as well get it out of the way fast. Then you have your piece of clay and you can shape it into something better. Agonizing over a script for years is a not worth it...and I've been there. My last few scripts I wrote the first draft in under two weeks. They came out just as good in the end, if not better. I find I maintain the pulse of the story and the characters the quicker I write, and the speed saves me from overthinking things.
 
I have a zillion unfinished scripts, stories and novels - some will never be finished, some will be cannibalised into other things, others will get finished years after i started. It's not a problem, just a fact of life - ideas frequently are incomplete when they first appear.

Put your script away for three months, don't even look at it, then come back with fresh eyes and reread it, note which bits you like and which bits you don't, write another draft. Rinse and repeat...
 
Ok, I'll put stuff aside and spend some real time on it. Bang out the first draft as quickly as possible, good advice Batutta.

Haha, Clang, that's sorta what I've already done, it was left in a folder for a while.

Daniel, very constructive mate, I appreciate it :)
Yeah it's meant to be a dark kind of hospital, I think you pretty much described the look I had in my head. I'm glad you wanna know more :)

I'll cut the shock bit, I agree it's completely not needed and he should be kept to his dazed vocal minimum. Yeah that's why he doesn't ask for his parents sooner. But I'll look over and make sure I can't fit it in.
 
Yeah the hospital is definitely not part of the greys anatomy or er vein.

Should that be communicated in the script?

I've not seen the butterfly and the diving bell, but your link has intrigued me. Worth a visit it seems...

any other comments?
 
Did you write an outline of your story first? I know there are actually people out there who are against it, but I would highly recommend it.

Think of it as a road map and then your script will be like car navigating with that road map.
 
I have an ideas board where I post it note scenes and ideas up if that counts? haha. I just kind of know the pivotal scenes but i'm struggling building things up. But i'm gonna bang it out and work out the kinks later I think :)
 
Well, I never wrote anything yet. But whenever I have a idea, I go to my room and write down the idea for now. I like write, what will the movie be about and write something og how things would turn out. After that I'm planning to write up characters, the plot, main actions and everything else. Only then I'll get to the actual writting. I'm more going by like a planned thing. And whenever a idea comes into my mind about a new story, I also sometimes ask a good friend of mine what does he think about it.
 
One thing I noticed was some of the dialogue (Esp the doctor's) was quite verbose. This is something that was drawn to my attention when I had a reading of a first draft of an early short script I wrote. "show, don't tell", not easy in my scripts without a LOTR sized budget (For similar reasons) LOL.
Don't worry if you go through the "This is a heap of dog shite" not once, but several times, been there myself.
Just about to start shooting a 12-page short, you wold not believe the number of times I've re-written it, from dialogue tweeks to full top-down re-tellings.
I found blocking out scenes quite useful to get a handle on the direction the story was going, not bothering with dialogue, just outlining story points.
Dave
 
RockmanX3 said:
Did you write an outline of your story first? I know there are actually people out there who are against it, but I would highly recommend it.

Think of it as a road map and then your script will be like car navigating with that road map.
Click to expand...

+1

You will greatly benefit from doing a detailed outline of the script.
 
Batutta said:
You need to write your first draft as quickly as possible. Stick your finger down your throat and regurgitate it. Keep writing and don't look back until you're done. That little nagging voice that says its no good. Don't listen to it now. Listen to it later, when you're rewriting. Your first draft is going to be imperfect anyways, no matter how much time you spend on it, so you might as well get it out of the way fast. Then you have your piece of clay and you can shape it into something better. .
Click to expand...


I say this is some great advice. Actually, just the advice I need right now as well. Usually at around page 40 I start second guessing everything. I'll then re-write previous scenes to the point of completely screwing over the outline and the fluidity of the story. It's a mental f**ck because it causes me to lose grip on the big picture, which is the worst thing that can happen.
 
Boil your story down to one or two sentences:

maybe...

CRISIS- CHARACTER - GOAL- ENDING

horror movies:

When a one-eyed killer attacks students at the prom, they fight back. They discover the killer is the janitor.

When a werewolf invades the office christmas party, everyone tries to escape. The werewolf kills everyone but the sweet secretary who becomes a werewolf too.

love story:

when his nerdy 6th grade crush comes back into town, failed rockstar joe blow tries to win her over. She ends up going on the road with him and being his manager.


there are other ways to write this controlling sentences, logline, whatever, but its an important tool.
 
Yeah man you just gotta get it out. BTW just a little criticism for the time being don't worry about camera angles and shot types. For now get the story on the page, you can always go back and put that stuff in. Also unless you're gonna film this yourself most directors don't even want to know your ideas on how you think a shot should be. just sayin. interesting concept thus far though. keep it going.
 
just get the story out man. It may not be perfection in your first draft. But it will give you a starting point with references that you have compiled throughout writing. Then you'll see your story evolve. You owning the story instead of the flip side. Good luck!
 
DDiLeo720 said:
just get the story out man. It may not be perfection in your first draft. But it will give you a starting point with references that you have compiled throughout writing. Then you'll see your story evolve. You owning the story instead of the flip side. Good luck!
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Yes, even the master screenwriting William Goldman says in his book (I am reading it now, well not right now, but now, lol) that his first drafts are full of criminal errors (bad writing).

And yes also to structuring as others have said. Get the six or so main plot points figured out, then start filling in the gaps: hook/opening image; ordinary world/life of a flawed protagonist (theme often will be the inverse of that flaw); inciting incident that throws the protagonist's life off balance; a visible goal to resolve by the end of the story; a midpoint where something major happens like a new secondary goal or reversal or revelation; a crisis major setback; battle with antagonist; resolution and closing image. Now you have a story.

And perhaps research-- sometimes a writer does not know what to write because the writer does not know what to write.
 
What an amazing community! :) Really appreciate the support, and very constructive critisicm. It does help!

I'm looking at filming this myself, they're more footnotes [the camera angles etc.] than anything, but I agree, story first.

I did a lot of research on muscle atrophy, it really does help toward the story :) every so often i have to keep going back to refresh my memory on cold hard facts.

I'll post a further progressed screenplay soon :)
 
memento515 said:
Boil your story down to one or two sentences:

maybe...

CRISIS- CHARACTER - GOAL- ENDING

horror movies:

When a one-eyed killer attacks students at the prom, they fight back. They discover the killer is the janitor.

When a werewolf invades the office christmas party, everyone tries to escape. The werewolf kills everyone but the sweet secretary who becomes a werewolf too.

love story:

when his nerdy 6th grade crush comes back into town, failed rockstar joe blow tries to win her over. She ends up going on the road with him and being his manager.


there are other ways to write this controlling sentences, logline, whatever, but its an important tool.
Click to expand...

If you don't make these moves, I call dibs on the office werewolf one. :P
 
Pros spend two months researching and outlining a story, then one month writing the screenplay.
Amateurs spend one month researching and outlining (maybe, maybe not), then two months writing the screenplay.
By structuring and outlining, after first getting crystal clear on a compelling high concept logline to know what the story is about, the actual screenwriting comes easier, and is better.
IMHO, randall.

SuperEgo Saxton said:
What an amazing community! :) Really appreciate the support, and very constructive critisicm. It does help!

I'm looking at filming this myself, they're more footnotes [the camera angles etc.] than anything, but I agree, story first.

I did a lot of research on muscle atrophy, it really does help toward the story :) every so often i have to keep going back to refresh my memory on cold hard facts.

I'll post a further progressed screenplay soon :)
Click to expand...
 
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