Intro to short

[Mino]

Could some of you please read this and let me know if it works. It is for a short I'm doing for the boys at my old boarding school in England. It's a labor of love if you will. This is the voice over intro that will sit on top of re-enacted footage from the time made to look like family 8mm footage. The boys at the school range from age 6 to 18. Sorry I don't have a pdf writer so it's a word doc zipped

LINKAGE

 

[alex whitmer]

This …

Should be Walter Cronkite.

This …

‘ … how many days were left before! got packed on a train …’ I think you need an I instead of an !.

This …

Unbeknownst

Spellin error.

This …

change; waiting

Not sure you would use a semicolon here, unless maybe you add …

‘… change; I was waiting patiently …’

This …

head on

Should be head-on

This …

The air was filled with the strange sweet odor of marijuana

Needs a comma between strange and sweet.

This …

This smoke wafted forever from the cracks of ill-fitting windows and doors of the old rundown houses that lined the streets' of Kitsilano like silos of this devil gas.

It reads a little clumsy with the silos bit thrown on to the end. Maybe add it to the beginning of the sentence instead.

This …

On a good day we would fill our little red wagon with one or two dollars worth of this tradable commodity which we would cash in at the corner store for candy untouched by the lunatics: of fourth Avenue.

Punctuation issues. Try this …

On a good day we would fill our little red wagon with one or two dollars worth of this tradable commodity, which we would then cash in at the corner store for candy untouched by the lunatics of fourth Avenue.

This …

It was time for me, to gain more independence, start gearing up for the vast wilderness of the life stretching out before me.

More punctuation issues. Try this …

It was time for me to gain more independence, and to start gearing up for the vast wilderness of the life stretching out before me.

This …

It seemed like a good decision...

Not sure why you would use …

This …

mousketeers

Should be capped.

This …

Order, discipline, Ritual and authority

Ritual should be with a lower case r

This …

I'd joined the drill team, become a pretty good shot with a rifle and made and made it to lance corporal.

If it were me, I’d have a comma between rifle and and. ‘rifle, and …

This …

twenty ­two's

Should be twenty-twos

This …

world war two

These are always capped

This …

head on

Should be head-on

I really enjoy your writing style. Maybe a few too many extended metaphors and the like that drag the reader away from your point, but fun nonetheless.

Is this going to be a voice over? What are we seeing on film during this long-winded intro?