Injury Manifest (Script Reviews Wanted)

KyleProhaska

KyleProhaska

Veteran
Hello there, ive had a script rolling around in my head for a little bit now, and I would love for folks to read through it (its short, no worries) and just give constructive comments. Its half dialouge (if that) and the other half is more of a shot by shot explaination of whats happening in the scenes. I almost completely work from the camera point of view so if it seems more like a shot list with dialouge, I apologize. What im really looking for is strengthening of the idea of the story possibly, or anything ot make it more solid. Lay it on me folks:

http://www.kyleprohaska.com/Injury_Manifest.rtf
REVISION #1 Download

Enjoy,

- Kyle
 
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I read it, and to be honest, it's got a good setup for an interesting story, but this sounds like a very minor incident on the way to something bigger. Like this could be pages 7-9 of a 90 page feature film script, but that's about what I see for it.

If you're looking at the story, there's got to be a few things included in your script that make it 'worth' watching. For example, a character should learn something, accomplish something, or at the very least be in a different place than where he began.

In your script, the character hasn't learned anything, just played around with a couple of things and then everything goes back to normal. If, at the end of the film, the character is the "same" as at the beginning, then what have I been watching for?

Also there isn't much of a buildup in tension, like he learns about the power at work, then immediately goes home. Now his wife is there, and she's doing the drying (does she have a job? no?) and doesn't even wonder what he's doing at home. Then he tries out some new stuff, trips, then the end. There's no big giveaway, no sparkle, no awe.

In short, I could write up an outline as:
1) Dave hits his head in the morning
2) At work, discovers he has telekinesis. Plays with it.
3) Goes home and plays with it
4) Trips on a ball and loses the power

The end. What have I, as a viewer, gained from watching this?

Sorry if I sound harsh, I'm not trying to. One of the most important things I learned about storytelling was the importance of an identifiable "achievement" over the course of the story. It doesn't have to be a moral, but a good story involves the fundamental changing of something to a form where it can't go back.

For example, if your ending had the wife carrying laundry and walking in on him while he's levitating objects, he makes up some bad excuse but she sees what he's doing, then you cut to a reveal of say, her getting him to use his powers to do the laundry for her, then you've set up a different situation for the story to turn in to.

Does that make sense?
 
Thanks for the response. I'm pretty new to making actual films to be dedicating myself to filming a feature length film. I think the sparkle at the end or whatever you were looking for wasn't the fact that he was dreaming and he woke up, but the fact that at the end, he left without knowing he actually did have the power he dreamt of. The pencil fell to the ground after he looked away, the audience will hear it hit the ground then the camera will pan to show it as such. Since I wanted to film something small to start I wrote this but kinda left it open to continue if I wanted.

I realize he doesn't change by the end but its only made to be about 10mins and the initial ending I was going for was the mystery that maybe he wasn't just dreaming, but he really does have the power afterall. I wanted to possibly make a Part 2 where he comes home on time to find the pencil on the ground when he specifically recalls it being on the table, he goes to try and move something with his mind and is sucessful, and then I can grow it even further but for a first part I think it came out ok.

I do need to fix the small problems you were talking about where the wife doesn't ask what he's doing home or anything like that. Since I didn't mention that this could possibly be a Part 1 of something I appologize. About the change again, I think what I was trying to do by the end was have the audience discover that he had changed but not have the character know it himself. They knew he had the power (or maybe he doesn't, *raise eyebrow*), but he doesn't by the end so maybe that is a fitting ending for a Part 1 if I can play out the cards right.

Thanks again for the comments, those kinda of constructive comments were exactly what I was looking for.

- Kyle
 
I could tell it was Part 1 because of the fact the pencil moves at the end. The setup was fairly obvious, so you were successful in that regard.

Again, being honest, the idea of a 1) "to be continued" type short is very overdone by film students, and often as a device to get out of giving a proper ending to a script. A challenge you should set for yourself is finding a way to give proper closure to a short - it's very difficult (as you've discovered) but it is a great challenge that all writers have to come to terms with.

2) the idea of waking up from a dream and "is it a dream or reality?" is also very overused, both by film students and by the filmmaking world at large. It's not surprising - the difference between the dream world and the real world is one that man has wrestled with as long as we've been around.

That said, I'm not going to say don't do them - as you said, you're a new filmmaker and you want to learn. So it's okay to go cliche or do things that have been done before as you're teaching yourself the ropes. But if you're going to go the route of the cliche, you should absolutely embrace that route and get as creative as you can within it. There's a lot to learn from going an overused route, because the path is so well-defined that you can find new ways to explore within it. So if you want to go this route, it's great to learn (I've done some "to be continued" shorts myself, as well as dream/awake shorts), but you'll definitely learn more if you know why you're in that realm.

Also, a good thing is to constantly put yourself in the audience's perspective and say "Yeah... and?" For example, you said the audience knows he has the power but the character doesn't - yeah... and? What does it mean? Why should we as the audience care what happens when that's the end?

Say you put in part 2, and he comes back and realises he still has the power... then what was the point of part 1? What lesson has he learned in part 1 that's viable for part 2? Why have two separate parts? At the same time, you say he tries to do other stuff with his mind, going back to the audience perspective - yeah... and? What's supposed to hook the audience here? Why are they supposed to care?

Now I'm not saying that _I_ don't care, cos I'm here, but it's important to figure out why someone should want to watch your story. What is in this story that's supposed to attract people? Telekinesis as an idea has been done many times before - that's not to say there's no room to tell a story involving it, but right now you're saying that telekinesis IS the story. That's not going to get anybody's interest, it's about what the character DOES with it. Does he use it to save his marriage? Or break his marriage apart? How can your audience identify with this guy?

Also, generally movies are about 1 minute per page. With your script as is, you'll be looking at about 3 minutes, 4 if you stretch it.

But give it a shot and let us know how it goes! I don't want to discourage you, I think you're off to a great start - it's just that there's so much to take in. In my first screenwriting class, we were supposed to turn in the first 30 pages of a feature at the end of the semester, I turned in an entire feature but most of his remarks were "Great! Good stuff!" and I learned nothing. My 2nd screenwriting professor was similar - very encouraging, but it wasn't until I showed a script to my Dean, who told me it was a bad script and ripped me a new one that I really started to learn.
 
I added a revised version up to after talking to Mrwr0ng for a couple hours some time ago. We ironed out some issues and I hope I fixed them all.

- Kyle
 
BUMP, I see others getting advice on scripts but not me. Give me some reviews please LOL. What am I chopped liver?

- Kyle
 
I read it.

You are probably not getting that many readers because it is not in screenplay (industry standard) format, which makes it a little tough. I think you could scale down the descriptions - focus on those things in the scene which are essential to the story - leave the rest up to imagination.

Q: Is the character somewhat OCD? I got that in the beginning but didn't see it in the end.

The dialog with the boss might be handled differently. Maybe he hits a button on his phone instead to talk to him - seemed like the interaction with him in the office wasn't that necessary. You could make it necessary by building in more conflict.

This is one short that would benefit from a little more length (i.e. story) - you could easily make him change through the film if you wanted him to. Why does he have the desire to move things with his mind if indeed it is a dream-state? The answer could very well be the reason for the evolution of the character. Think about it.

Q: He appears to be an asshole to his wife - why is that?

Also, there are quite a few typos - fix those in draft 3.

Sure - it's a short - but do it justice by building up the story a little more.

Good luck.
 
Sorry about the format, I wrote it in a way that its useful for me so all the descriptions are all the things ill need to remember for later, all the shots I want in there so I dont forget.

Not sure if you noticed but he doesn't know its a dream, so in the dream its like real life except now this ability is available to him, he's not sure why, all he knows is he wacked his head.

The obsessive clean disorder does carry throughout the film maybe I didn't make it clear enough. I do plan to have visual elements that the script can't give to make it more clear, his office will be organized to a T, when the co-worker almost spills coffee on him it will be a big ordeal.

Not sure if he's really an asshole to his wife, but his disorder really annoys her is what im trying to get across. He tells her to clean little tiny things so much that she eventually has everything clean and its just dumb for him to ask her to clean again. But at the end she looks around, see's is spick and spand except for the pencil and puts it back on the table.

Hope that cleared things up, but yea ill go through it again and try and fix some things.

- Kyle
 
Hey, just read the revised version of your story and Ill try to give you some feedback. As previously mentioned, it is kind of hard since its not in a regular script format. Also, if you want to bring out his OCD more or make the incident with coffee spilling a big deal, you have to do it in the writing. We can't see it or understand it if its just in your head, or so vague that it just serves to remind you. Mention what needs to be brought out, and the excess can be cut.

The story has an interesting concept and it makes a good basis for the short, but I think the main question and problem is still 'what does it all mean?' While a bit more focused, the revision still leaves a lot of 'yea....and?' moments. Why should the audience care about him or his power?

Another way to think about this that might make it more clear is conflict. Every story should have conflict. Its what draws audiences in and what makes us care. You can picture it as your main character vs. _______ (either another character, nature, an idea etc.) A story without conflict leaves audiences thinking 'and?', and looking at it I would be hard pressed to find a real conflict in your story. The closest thing I could come up with is an internal conflict with your character, dealing with his OCD - which raises the possibility of an interesting dynamic with the powers interacting with his OCD - what does he use it for to help/make worse his condition. But then, when he gets these powers, all he does is play around with them - move objects back and forth, pick things up in the living room etc. The moving the book back in position on the shelf was a nice touch and Id like to see more of that.

And remember, there are a lot of ways of to do conflict - it can be man vs man (maybe his boss is an a-hole), man vs nature (maybe theres a volcano eruption and he needs to hold back the lava) or internal, as yours seems to be structured so far. I think if you keep the man vs. himself conflict going and just develop it farther might answer a lot of these questions.

I got where you were going with the ending, but from a logic standpoint it doesn't quite make sense. You have to live in the rules of the world you create, and if he stands there and attempts to but cant make the pencil move, why would it move when he shuts the door? After seeing him try to move it and failing, I would assume the vibration or wind from a door slam knocked it off, not his 'possible' power, but then again it does leave the possibility there - this could just be me. But in the same mindset, you should try and live in the rules of the world you create throughout. A man with OCD this extreme would probably not push his furry dog away with his hand after being so disgusted by the hair he found on his shirt. Of course this kind of thing could lead to comic moments of him trying to shoo the dog away without actually touching it (whether or not thats something you want is up to you), but just try and make the OCD a little more constant throughout.

Finally, as far as the format - even if this version serves just to remind you of all the visual elements you need to capture, making a movie is a group project. At the very least, your actors are going to need to read this and get a basic grasp of the characters and story, and any crew you use will need to understand it as well. For a final version you should definitely at least break each seperate location into its own scene (such as the mention of the wife in the basement or the boss' office), try to conform more strictly to a screenplay format and def fix the typos. Keep up the work and you could have a very strong short!
 
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