CELTX: I wrote a short - Celtx

[TimAkers]

Hi there,

I wrote this earlier today. I am married and have plenty of experience in this field of conversation, so I wrote about it.

It's called "Dating - A Man's Perspective."

You can judge it all you want, but I really only want it to be critiqued on formatting. You can add any comment you want, but any advice on formatting, so I can shoot it, would be greatly appreciated.

I have all equipment to start shooting, except lighting. I still need more lighting, which is why I wrote this so it can be shot on a bench somewhere. The bench can be anywhere really; it can be at a park, a bus stop, in front of a restaurant, a library, etc...


Without further ado, how do I write this so I can hand this to a director and they can look at it and know exactly what my vision is. I wrote all of the dialogue, now for the formatting so the Director of Photography and Director can work with it. Any help is much needed and greatly appreciated.

I will most likely be the DoP/Director, but, I don't know how to format it this way, as I've seen too many people squabble over preferences. I just need a general "This is how the default screenwriters do it" type of way of formatting.

Thank you,

Tim

Attached are the two files:
Celtx - Script Source File - Can be opened, viewed, and edited in Celtx software.
HTML - Script Export File - Can be opened and viewed in any Web Browser.

 

[Egg Born Son]

CeltX auto-formats correctly, more or less. From a strictly formatting point of view you really only need to add DAY or NIGHT to your location:

EXT. PARK BENCH - DAY

Or it might be preferable to write:

EXT. PARK - DAY

Two men, MALE 1 (30s) and MALE 2 (30s) sit on a park bench in animated conversation.

Don't say they are later interrupted. Say what is happening now. Disclose the future at the time it is happening. Always use present tense.

It would further add to the clarity in the script to give them names, just for the readers to clearly identify who is saying what. To avoid the question, is that male 1 or 2 that says that? At the very least use descriptive identifiers, SLEAZY GUY for example. For the audience it might not hurt to have them actually arrive and introduce themselves. It makes a character more personable and easier to identify if he has a name. FEMALE 1 is the only female, no need for the '1'. Again even better to name her.

In regards to dialogue...there are some longwinded monologues in there. An effort to read and not at all how people speak. Watch any conversation. Most people can barely get half a thought out before they are interrupted. Without a podium not many of us get to make speeches. Having the train of thought interrupted is one way to increase drama by delaying the flow. Setting it in an alfresco cafe, bus stop or busy park fountain at lunchtime would provide an endless source of interruptions and distractions. Especially when the conversational flow is predictable and without surprise turns. In this case each party is supporting an ideological position and nothing either says is unexpected. So make the situation, the flow of information, the third party reactions the points of interest. Seen this short many many times before, including the 'twist'. Find the new angle or an interesting form of presentation.

Back to formatting, you don't want to add any camera or lighting direction in the script. As the writer this is not your job. You stage the scene and provide the dialogue and action. Action is what is missing from your script. It is a very wordy, intellectual exercise with a stream-of-thought honesty from each character. Body language is 70% of conversation. What a character doesn't say, when a character's body language clashes with his/her words...these are where acting happens. There are no motivations, ulterior motives or obstacles present here. Just three variations on a ideology presenting their case.

Something you could do to build to something would be to include the female earlier on, ears pricking up and listening in on the conversation. Rather than have her mystically arrive and say she's listening in, show it along the way. Have her react to the things they are saying to add her silent perspective to the audience's experience, unknown to the male characters. Have her choose her moment to interrupt, maybe even have her about to interrupt along the way but hold off due to something one of them says. Use her interest in the conversation to sympathetically draw the audience in. Her impending interruption a source of dramatic tension. Have male 2 slyly checking her out in lulls in the conversation (and have lulls in the conversation, time for the characters and the audience to digest). Have him distracted by her and only half participating in his friend's diatribe, his own motivation for being in the scene.

But on a strictly formatting perspective the main ones are the time of day in the location slug, a brief description of setting and some action descriptions. If you are directing it yourself formatting is less relevant, you can include occasional notes to yourself regarding camera movement, position, lighting etc. But a proper script is typically setting, action and dialogue. Knowing when to break the rules is something that can only come with experience. In the meantime focus on lean, mean efficient writing. Show don't tell. A good script leaves room for the other creatives to bring something to the party. Scripts that get people excited are ones that they can add something of themselves to. Directors want to be inspired to a vision, rather than shackled by a vision. Actors want a shell to inhabit and bring to life. Less is almost always more. That's why it is so hard.

 

[Mile Bozicevic]

I would also suggest putting some action into it, whether you direct it or someone else. I guess it's kinda part of formatting. If I got a script like this to direct, I wouldn't know where to start.

Characters should do something otherwise than just talk. In this case, plain and simple stuff that is believable. A lot of actors I know love to associate certain line of dialogue with some kind of action. It should feel natural within your scene. For example, in the last scene Male 1 texts something on his phone. Earlier, he could be interrupted with a call at one point, turn off the cell phone, get a text message or important alarm buzz for whatever you think of. They could be interrupted with a ball from local kids playing soccer. One of them could drink a coffee that's too hot. Maybe they play a game of chess while talking.

Anyone will have hard time directing and editing this if everything looks the same.

 

[TimAkers]

Egg Born Son, and Mile:

Thank you so much for the advice. This review, and advice, is a priceless thing that I am completely adhering to. However, I still don't know "how" to write in actions. This is where I fail at for the formatting. I just simply do not know how to write it in a manner that looks like it is professional. I thought of the actions. But, read that it's not a good idea to write in action during a script, that that is not a screenplay. I also read that a Director is the one who interprets the script. I have no clue how to write a script for shooting.

But, I am a dialogue writer, and a fair conceptual writer. So, adding in sequences to give my story depth is easy. For instance, we have a Caboose that sells Ice Cream where I live. It's raised on rails, in order to be at the same height to serve customers. There is a rather large deck/patio attached to it so guests can sit at tables or lean over the sides of the platform and look over the lawn. There are also benches at the bottom of the steps of the platform. I was going to have the two guys purchase Ice Cream or a Beverage of some sort, and begin their conversation. I was thinking about cutting to women gazing down from the platform, sort of listening to the guys talking. This could be how she "overheard" earlier. But, where, when, and how do I write this in at the appropriate moments? I use Celtx, but it uses the same font and spacing as dialogue many times. So, it's a bit confusing. Am I supposed to manually write "Action: <fill in action>" where I want the director to guide the actors?

But, yes, you're right, this type of scene has been done a million times. I was going to discuss something a little more controversial, like Religion : Atheism vs Theism. But, I am not ready to take on that big of a project. It's already written out on another hard drive. It's the same setting, just different dialogue.

This is my first real production, but I also want to captivate the audience. Later this week, I will have another draft for you to read, if you're interested with the changes that you both have directed. Also, I will continue looking up ways to properly format this manuscript.

Oh, and thank you for noticing that they are in their 30's. I forgot to assume that. And, yes introductions are a must.

Thanks,

Tim

 

[Egg Born Son]

Write actions in the same space as descriptions. In fact in CeltX that formatting is called 'Action' in the drop down box and is the default format. Left aligned paragraphs. It is preferable to keep action and descriptions as short as possible, make it flow. Always use present tense and don't forecast. And try keep each text block to 4 lines or less. Guard your whitespace. It might seem like a stupid consideration but the emptier the page looks the better. A cluttered dense page is intimidating and you want the reader to fly through it. And remember fancy language has no place (dialogue can be an exception, if it suits the character), the audience will never see that flowery description and the actor/director/props department want simple, clear and understandable language to make it easier to do their jobs. Each fellow creative is only interested in the bits that apply to them so make it easy for them to highlight their relevant bits. Introduce characters and key props in capitals (first instance only) to facilitate this.

But, yes, you're right, this type of scene has been done a million times. I was going to discuss something a little more controversial, like Religion : Atheism vs Theism. But, I am not ready to take on that big of a project. It's already written out on another hard drive. It's the same setting, just different dialogue.

This is my first real production, but I also want to captivate the audience. Later this week, I will have another draft for you to read, if you're interested with the changes that you both have directed. Also, I will continue looking up ways to properly format this manuscript.

Oh, and thank you for noticing that they are in their 30's. I forgot to assume that. And, yes introductions are a must.

Thanks,

Tim

Focus on character. I didn't go too far into criticism of your story because you specifically asked for formatting advice. I didn't actually know they were 30s, that was just an example. In fact I don't really know anything about them except their ideological position. They are not characters, they are ideas personified. Some struggle with ideas, I don't think you do. So the trick is to not force them through the characters. Write the characters and let your ideas emerge through them. Then you will have something engaging. To my eye this story relies entirely on the 'unexpected' position of the female. But this is not a new idea and not particularly unexpected. Underlying ideology works best when buried, when balanced (alternately anger both sides of the polarising argument, hence engage all of them...its done all the time especially in comedy) and when characters change their position either temporarily or permanently over the course of the film.

Your characters have established positions, they do not experience meaningful change and they have no real characteristics other than their ideological position. If you are going to write characters like this at the very least ask yourself, why do they hold that position, what events in their life drove them to that position, what would it take to challenge that position, why do they feel the need to impose their position on another. Ask yourself why they are involved in the conversation, who initiated the topic and what drove them to do so, why did the other rise to the bait, what does each participant seek to get out of the conversation, are either capable of shifting their position, what would it take, etc.

The main positive is that your dialogue flow is not too bad. The most common problem with dialogue is writing like people write rather than how they speak. Yours is mostly short sentences and conversational language. It always helps to say your dialogue out loud while writing. Your characters do have a voice even if they lack depth. The language is fairly consistent. The conversation needs to meander more, be free-flowing and open to (coincidentally relevant) distraction and cover more broad ground. Most people draw on wide-ranging and tenuous examples in support of their arguments. Needs lulls in conversation while characters absorb information. Ebb and flow.

Finally, and most important: dare to fail. Get some stories written, make some of them, review what worked and what didn't. Don't let an imperfect script stop you from making it. It's practice, you won't make a good film right away anyway. You have to write a lot of bad before you can start to write good. It takes a long time to get your chops together. You're starting from a good position. You have identified your strengths and weaknesses. Focus on your weaknesses. Even if you are already a decent writer, screenwriting is as different a beast to prose as it is to poetry, lyrics, technical spec sheets, even stage plays. There is always more to learn. Start with character, engaging characters can ride a lame plot easier than poor characters can drive a good plot. Audiences engage with characters first, plot second. Good characters appeal to actors, if you can't get the actors excited what's the point? And there is more to character than dialogue. You need to extract not only what a character says but also what they think (rarely the same thing) and what they do.

Maybe try an exercise, write a short piece with minimal or no dialogue. Take away your main ability and see what you can achieve without using it as a crutch. You might be surprised with what comes out of it.

 

[TimAkers]

I really hope you're a professor somewhere. Not only do I enjoy reading your words of wisdom, but I adhere to them. Thank you for the simple format lesson. I will definitely add more space and separate it, as if it's a double-spaced APA format paper, at least for actions and such, anything non-dialogue.

You make a very interesting point, "Take away your main ability..." is very good advice. I will try to write not only more actions, as to not only to give the characters depth, but to keep my audience engaged.

On a personal note, and it's been a long time, I love conversational type of films. I am not a big fan of the Tarantino movies so much, but I am a fan of his dialogue in many of his movies. Movies like "The Sunset Limited" are also good, to me. I don't always write this way, but, it's what I know how to do. It's easy, because it's the most primitive aspect to conveying messages to my reader/audience.

You gave me a really good idea about cancelling out dialogue and write about action-emotion instead. The ideas are already flowing. Maybe I will do a quick write-up about a deaf person who has bandage on both hands, and struggles to do simple daily tasks like getting a drink of water. Meanwhile, I will set up a light by the door of the apartment, and simulate it as a handicap-replacement of a doorbell. So, that way, I can have someone "ring" the doorbell, and he has to answer the door. While the guest is there, he tried to communicate that he is thirsty and asks for help, even though both of his hands are bandaged up, like from a burn or something. I think this would be a very good way of portraying action and emotion in a scene, while the other actor, who isn't deaf, can use minimal dialogue to try to communicate back. I can show the frustrations from both sides, eventually completing the goal and leaving the audience feeling positive.

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to nurture me through this journey,

Tim