I will be really glad if you give me feedback on my first short screenplay.

F

Fellipe

Active member
This is my first screenplay ever. I'm not a native English speaker so keep in mind there may be a few mistakes. I did my best on the dialogue so you guys can understand it but it's at most a simple translation.
It's three pages long and the pdf is attached.

I really your feedback.

Thanks in advance for your time reading this.
View attachment thehoneymoon_shortfilm.pdf
 
It's a cute story with a nice setting in the mountains. It's your first screenplay so I won't harp on formatting issues.

My thoughts (take with a grain of salt):

"He jumps on the bed and asks his WIFE to join him." You should state the dialogue. There are many different ways to ask such a simple question.

"She is worried about something." Is there a way you can present this information to the audience visually? The film will not have a narrator and we cannot read her thoughts. Could she bite her lip or avoid eye contact with him?

Your transition from scene two to three feels abrupt. This would be a good time for the husband to inquire into the wife's demeanor.

I don't understand how the husband knew she's pregnant.
 
Bill Clar said:
It's a cute story with a nice setting in the mountains. It's your first screenplay so I won't harp on formatting issues.

My thoughts (take with a grain of salt):

"He jumps on the bed and asks his WIFE to join him." You should state the dialogue. There are many different ways to ask such a simple question.
You're right. I'll fix that. Thanks

"She is worried about something." Is there a way you can present this information to the audience visually? The film will not have a narrator and we cannot read her thoughts. Could she bite her lip or avoid eye contact with him?
Nice point. will work on that.

Your transition from scene two to three feels abrupt. This would be a good time for the husband to inquire into the wife's demeanor.
You mean the scene where they enter the house?
After she closes the door I'll cut to a establishing shot at 'the next morning'. I hope it will convey that whatever they had to do in that night they did.

I don't understand how the husband knew she's pregnant.
We'll never know... j/k :) Maybe he read her worries, maybe he saw her belly...
Click to expand...

Thanks a lot Bill Clar
 
Saw her belly ? So they got married and he was trying to act like she wasnt pregnant until she gave birth ? Come on, seriously.
To fix this you need to already have in this honey moon house something that resembles baby shoes or something, so he would spot it or camera will show it but not intentionally, just to let the viewers know that it was there in some box and then he would be ok to remind himself that he saw kinda baby shoes-like something and he would go there to give it to her, right now it looks like he was prepared for this but was acting like he doesnt know shes pregnant, its illogical.
He could take these shoes off some big doll or something which he could spot somewhere hidden in a box with other toys.
OR he could act like he is surprised but he really knew this, he saw her reading magazines and stuff about babies and that she didnt wanted to drink coffee anymore like you wrote, he could explain her that he knew this and he wanted to give her shoes even if she wasnt pregnant cause he wanted baby anyway.I dont know its up to you.
 
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