I need feedback on my short script [pitch included]

[marshall_tyler]

Hello everyone!

I have began working on my first screenplay and I wanted to get feedback on what I've written so far.

Synopsis: Charlie is aboard a train headed for the Redding Institute for the Criminally Suspect when strange things begin to happen.

Here is a link to the PROLOGUE of the screenplay (first 5 pages). I appreciate any and all feedback!

 

[Egg Born Son]

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might want to look at that

 

[jghenderson]

There are some interesting ideas in there, but unfortunately they are doomed by awkward and clunky description. For instance, when we meet The Director (who you also refer to as The Conductor for some confusing reason), you mention that he does not look like the other desk man. This information is too vague to be interesting, and ultimately not relevant at all. I understand that you want to set this man apart, but the only way to really do that is with specifics. Something that reveals his character. Simply saying he doesn't look like someone else is uninteresting, unhelpful, and frustrating to the reader.

Focus on trying to make your descriptions as specific, short, and clear as possible.

Good luck!