High School Project - Critiscim Please

[masteryoda555]

I've been writing a script for a highschool class and would like to see what you guys think about it. I'm not really sure about the quality of the action or dialog, but this is my first atempt at screenplays. This is the first page of the script which is going to be a fantasy. I would really like comments on the dialog, because that is the area where I feel I'm the weakest at the moment. Thanks for the comments.

Ext - open ocean - dawn

The sun reflects orange off the water as the waves crash against the side a large boat. Leaning against the boat's railing is RIXOR LEA.In the b.g. SERVANT 1 talks to the CAPTAIN of the boat. SERVANT 1 shakes the CAPTAIN'S hand and walks toward RIXOR.

SERVANt 1

Sir, the captain tells me we'll arrive at the KYRIL harbor within the hour.

RIXOR

Very good. Go below deck and tell GENERAL MIDUS to prepare the troops for battle.

SERVANT 1

Right away sir.


SERVANT1 walks to a door in the b.g and goes below deck. RIXOR sighs and throws an emblem on a chain over-board. RIXOR turns and walks to the door leading below deck.

The emblem floats on the surface of the water before slowly sinking to the sea floor.


Int - RIXOR's cabin - dawn

SERVANT 2 is fastening the last piece of armor onto RIXOR. There is a knock at the door.

RIXOR

Come in.


CAPTAIN MIDUS opens the door and walks into the room. RIXOR waves SERVANT 2 out of the room and walks over to a table and picks up a sword.

RIXOR

Are the troops ready?

GENERAL MIDUS

Ready and waiting for your orders, sir.

 

[Russell Moore]

I want to know more about the characters, granted you want to keep character descriptions sparse, but there is nothing here to let me form a first impression.
This may be nitpicking, but when I read boat, even a large boat, I don't think of a ship and this sounds like its a ship.

You have the character names in caps throughout the script. You only put characters names in caps when they're first introduced (not including dialogue ofc).
Also you refer to General Midus twice and in the middle you call him Captain Midus.

The dialogue sounds a little wooden, unfortunately I don't have a lot of helpful advice, dialogue is something I'm working on myself.

RIXOR

Very good. Go below deck and tell GENERAL MIDUS to prepare the troops for battle.

I would assume that the servant knows where to find the General. So you could probably start the sentence with Tell....
Less is usually more when it comes to dialogue.


This sounds very awkward. Try and shorten these kind of descriptions.

SERVANT 1 talks to the CAPTAIN of the boat. SERVANT 1 shakes the CAPTAIN'S hand and walks toward RIXOR.


Maybe something like this (and with some thought could be tweaked more)...Servant 1 listens to the Captain, shakes his hand and walks towards Rixor.


Another note, I wouldn't think a Captain would shake a servants hand after giving him a general order.


I'll give you some advice I recently received in a critique on my script. Try to stay away from ING.

"Keep it all in one tense. Except on occasion when it just works better with ING. You also get to lose the is, am and are words, for the most part." - Alex Whitmer

For example...SERVANT 2 is fastening the last piece of armor onto RIXOR.

It would be...Servant 2 fastens the last piece of armor onto Rixor.


Keep it up. It sounds like its going somewhere interesting. Good luck with it.