Help Me Critic/collaborate on A Script

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dilmandila

Member
Hello friends. I've just written a short film, five minutes, a horror, and I'm planning to shoot it some time next month. I was hoping someone would read it and give me a critique about it.

I promise, every advice I use, will appear in the credits of the movie in the form of 'Script developed with assistance from....'

Here is the script http://www.geocities.com/dilmandila/diybook

I haven't yet got a title for it, so suggestions would be cool too.

Cheers

Dilman
 
Hi Dilman -

I read the script. Good stuff! Because you asked for suggestions, here's some I would make. Feel free to take or leave. :0

The story feels like it needs a twist. Right now it feels too linear: Faima becomes a ghost and kills her cheating lover, then the ghost merges back with her and all is fine.

SUGGESTIONS:

- She catches her boyfriend cheating on her in his dorm room.

- She decides to become a ghost to kill her cheating boyfriend and his lover.

- The process involves her having to kill herself to do so. This can be a humourous montage of her trying different ways to kill herself.

- When she finally succeeds in killing herself and becoming a ghost, she has trouble picking up the murder weapon because she's a ghost.

- After finally being able to pick up the knife, she struggles down the hall, trying to learn to walk as a ghost (floating into things, knocking things over, etc.)

- She finally makes it to her cheating boyfriend's room, and struggles with the door, then opens it to find her boyfriend and his lover dead in a pool of blood. Next to them, the DIY book.

- Her POV whip pans over to the bed and finds their ghosts humping and they smile.

The gag: She goes to all this trouble to kill herself and become a ghost and struggle with the knife and walking down the hall and then finds her boyfriend already dead, but still cheating on her. Badum-bum.

Or something along those lines to give it a little twist or a punchline.

All in all, kudos! And best of luck with the shoot.

Brian
 
Yeah, there definately needs to be something more than it is right now. First, you need to show something about them being together before he cheats on her, because right now it's only revealed through an unfilmable line in the script.

And I think the book needs to be in the movie more if you're going to have it there at all. It needs to really taunt her before she goes to such drastic lengths as becoming a ghosts and killing her lover.
 
It seems like a short story like this begs for a twist. For an off the rack suggestion, you could have the spell caster direct the ghost to kill the female but instead the ghost kills the man she wants. Or, instead of finding a "How To Commit Revenge" book, it could be like an Amway Starter Kit and the broken hearted girl could go on to become rich and famous and hang out with Brad and Angelie at Spagos.
 
Although the line "She's happy and going to see her lover" is unfilmable, it quickly becomes evident in the next scene that she is heartbroken that the man she wants is seeing someone else. It's not entirely clear if there is an ongoing relationship between them or if she desires Bob (who knows this but isn't reciprocating), and Bob and Julie see this as kind of a little joke. That's how I read it anyway, and I think it works fine.

The script needs a bit more drama though I think--how about if Farina has to remain a ghost to get her revenge. She can't return to her body, but she is forced to live in the undead world forever, and this is the sacrifice she must make to become a spectre. I agree that she shouldn't be able to become a ghost and then return to her normal self, everything staying hunky-dory.
 
johnlabonney said:
Although the line "She's happy and going to see her lover" is unfilmable, it quickly becomes evident in the next scene that she is heartbroken that the man she wants is seeing someone else. It's not entirely clear if there is an ongoing relationship between them or if she desires Bob (who knows this but isn't reciprocating), and Bob and Julie see this as kind of a little joke. That's how I read it anyway, and I think it works fine.

The script needs a bit more drama though I think--how about if Farina has to remain a ghost to get her revenge. She can't return to her body, but she is forced to live in the undead world forever, and this is the sacrifice she must make to become a spectre. I agree that she shouldn't be able to become a ghost and then return to her normal self, everything staying hunky-dory.
Click to expand...
Seeing that she is hurt is one thing...then following her as she murders them is something else. For that there needs to be something established ahead of time, or else the girl is just going to seem nuts.
 
agcohn said:
Seeing that she is hurt is one thing...then following her as she murders them is something else. For that there needs to be something established ahead of time, or else the girl is just going to seem nuts.
Click to expand...

That's very true. A cheating boyfriend is way to trivial to decide to kill yourself just to get revenge. Actually I'm not even sure that I'd feel that it worth it to become a magic ghost if i was being cheated on. But if your tied to that motive, its not entirely unreasonable.
Why does she become a ghost? couldnt she just...go kill them? they saw her anyways, so its not about being invisable....
Also, I think you could use some stronger imagery. I mean you have a ghost who can do anything in the world....and it stabs someone? I think at the very least you should bring some very original scenes involving a ghost to the mix.
hope this helps!
 
agcohn said:
Seeing that she is hurt is one thing...then following her as she murders them is something else. For that there needs to be something established ahead of time, or else the girl is just going to seem nuts.
Click to expand...
McLeish said:
That's very true. A cheating boyfriend is way to trivial to decide to kill yourself just to get revenge. Actually I'm not even sure that I'd feel that it worth it to become a magic ghost if i was being cheated on. But if your tied to that motive, its not entirely unreasonable.
Click to expand...
Yes, it is going to seem a bit off the wall. She is going to seem to be going to extremes to exact revenge on him since they don't have an established relationship. But that's the beauty of short films. A viewer is not heavily invested in the film, he's in and out in a few minutes, so you can do just such things. The idea that she would take such drastic action over something so trivial in a feature-length production wouldn't fly, but in a short film I think that the audience is willing to accept it, and it would work out great.


McLeish said:
I mean you have a ghost who can do anything in the world....and it stabs someone? I think at the very least you should bring some very original scenes involving a ghost to the mix.
hope this helps!
Click to expand...
That's a good point, the ghost can do almost anything. If she wanted to simply whack them with a knife she wouldn't need to turn into a ghost. I agree that a little more creative method of attack would be beneficial.
 
Thanks everyone for your great help. I've thought a lot about the script these past two days and everyone's contribution seems to be 'it's too linear'.

Well, here is what I'm thinking.

- I want to keep it a very simple plot, and a five minute movie.

- She doesn't want to kill her boyfriend, but the book (which is actually a ghost of itself) possess her, coerces her to kill. Now, after the ghost comes out of her, she tries to stop it from killing (Successfully? ) This new plot should take it away from being 'linear'

-Shouldn't the ghost be all powerful and use a knife to kill? I can take suggestions on any new killing methods ghosts can use. :-) That will actually save me a lot of trouble during the shoot.

I'll see how it works out over the weekend and hopefully on Monday I'll have a new version for you guys to read.

But if you still got any more suggestions, regarding the new plot or the old one, just speak.
 
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