dr_stupid
Active member
Let's try a question that's a little more focussed than "favorite movies." What are your all-time favorite comedic monologues? I submit these five, in no particular order, to get us started:
1. Carl Spackler:
"So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one -- big hitter, the Lama -- long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says? Gunga lagunga...gunga -- gunga galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, 'Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.' And he says, 'Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consiousness.' So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."
2. Dr. Evil:
"The details of my life are quite inconsequential.... very well, where do i begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking - I suggest you try it."
3. Walter Sobchak:
"Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors... and bowling, and as a surfer he explored the beaches of Southern California, from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo and... up to... Pismo. He died, like so many young men of his generation, before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, and Langdok, and Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Donny. Donny, who loved bowling. And so, Theodore Donald Karabotsos, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince."
4. Walter Sobchak:
"Sure you're gonna see some tank battles, but fighting in desert is very different from fighting in canopy jungle. I mean 'Nam was a foot soldier's war, whereas this thing should, uh, you know, should be a piece of cake. I mean I had an M-16, Jack-o, not an Abram's ****ing tank. Me and Charlie, eyeball to eyeball. That's ****in' combat. The Man in the Black Pajamas, Dude. A worthy ****in' adversary. Whereas what we have here? A bunch of fig-eaters, wearin' towels on their heads, tryin' to find reverse in a Soviet tank - this, this is not a worthy ****in' adversary."
5. Lucky Day:
"In a way, all of us have an El Guapo to face some day. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big dangerous guy who is trying to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can stand up to their own personal El Guapo... who also happens to be the actual El Guapo...”
1. Carl Spackler:
"So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one -- big hitter, the Lama -- long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says? Gunga lagunga...gunga -- gunga galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, 'Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.' And he says, 'Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consiousness.' So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."
2. Dr. Evil:
"The details of my life are quite inconsequential.... very well, where do i begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking - I suggest you try it."
3. Walter Sobchak:
"Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors... and bowling, and as a surfer he explored the beaches of Southern California, from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo and... up to... Pismo. He died, like so many young men of his generation, before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, and Langdok, and Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Donny. Donny, who loved bowling. And so, Theodore Donald Karabotsos, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince."
4. Walter Sobchak:
"Sure you're gonna see some tank battles, but fighting in desert is very different from fighting in canopy jungle. I mean 'Nam was a foot soldier's war, whereas this thing should, uh, you know, should be a piece of cake. I mean I had an M-16, Jack-o, not an Abram's ****ing tank. Me and Charlie, eyeball to eyeball. That's ****in' combat. The Man in the Black Pajamas, Dude. A worthy ****in' adversary. Whereas what we have here? A bunch of fig-eaters, wearin' towels on their heads, tryin' to find reverse in a Soviet tank - this, this is not a worthy ****in' adversary."
5. Lucky Day:
"In a way, all of us have an El Guapo to face some day. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big dangerous guy who is trying to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can stand up to their own personal El Guapo... who also happens to be the actual El Guapo...”
