Getting ready to shoot. Looking for some feedback.

T

thepinknewyork

New member
8 pages long. We're in pre-production right now. It's a comedy, just seeing if the story and jokes work. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
 

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I really don't like posting anything too negative but I don't think anything in the script worked. I liked how he asked for the dad's blessing and the dad snapped back "no", but that's the only time I got anything out of the script.

Also, perhaps change Chinese to Indian as I think that culture is more well known for arranged marriages.

I'll read it again tomorrow and see if I get more out of it.
 
I'm also not sure this story works. Just one opinion. I think you have flare for dialog, and in the right hands, some of this might be amusing, but I saw the ending coming and even if I didn't, I don't they the payoff was adequate.
 
I thought this was pretty good.

It was very sweet and with two talented actors I think it could be fun.

I like the twist of the Dad knowing, but I don't like Chris running off angry at the end. I think it finishes this funny film on a downer note and you don't really want that. If you can come up with a more upbeat and humorous ending, I think you are in great shape.

Chris
 
Most people in their early 20's are either very familiar with beer or because of religion/personal choices do not drink it. If he drinks but finds beer distasteful he would probably drink liquor, like a screwdriver or crown and coke etc. If on the other hand he does not drink, but is drinking now to make the father "think" he is more man than he is then.. ok.

"She has a roof over her head"
This tells me they are already living together so why is he asking the dad anyways? If he's bold enough to live with her without being married, asking her father if he could marry her would be the last thing on his mind IMO.

As Chris stated, the ending kills it as far as being a comedy. I believe even a black comedy has positive ending.

Raymond
 
I really appericate all the feedback. thank you so much for looking over it. I agree with everyone about the ending, It really does have to have a positive ending, I've got a few ways to go about it. Thanks again.
 
My suggestion, if you want to retain the ending, add on another scene to balance it off..

The dialogue's fine, but you could explore a bit more of the engagement between Wayne and the bartender.
 
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