format question

[hesh]

thanks for the reply 10s. I finished it though before I ever made it back to the thread. I did like the bit about the smile through the glass. BRIAN as far as the caps go its either names, or just words that kind of jump out in my head so I want them to on paper. I agree with the camera directions to a degree if its distracting/overdone but sometimes it really helps. A scene can be a lot more powerful if say its a single tear falling down from someones eye from close up as opposed to at a distance. Sure good directors, etc will be able to pick up on stuff like that but sometimes when your writing it, it seems important to add so they can feel/understand what your trying to get across.

 

[brianluce]

i need help ending a scene. the last line of action is

He passes CINDY the snow globe. Each child takes a turn SHAKING the globe and watching the snow settle, SMILING at the sight of home...even BECKY.


Then i want to pan out (?) to an aerial view of the family now engaged in conversation as opposed to when we first saw them? They are in an aiport.
I need to do this in the most economic way possible only have about a line of space left on page. thanks

Is there a reason for using all caps?

Camera directions aren't usually a good thing unless it's a script you'll shoot yourself.

 

[10s]

My 2 cents:

He passes Cindy the snow globe. Each child smiles taking a turn shaking the globe and watching the snow settle. Becky's turn, her smile is magnified through the globe as flakes fall on their little home inside. Down below on the terminal floor the family stands together in happy conversation as passengers hurriedly walk by towing suitcases.

 

[hesh]

Heres the scene..it was for a christmas themed contest. It had to be 1 page and include the words eggnog, blizzard, and maui. I had to cut it down a lot.
I think it would make a good little short if it could be 5-10 mins. First time trying to write something besides a hook for a horror movie idea I had. Any tips/comments are welcomed. I created in WordPad and it saved as an rtf file which i copied and pasted here, sorry if its hard to read. What can I use to get a pdf file next time I write a something?




FADE IN:

INT. CHICAGO/AIRPORT NIGHT

Open on a busy airport terminal. Cheerful travelers tote colorfully wrapped gifts and luggage. We HEAR Christmas music over the sounds of people talking and flight info from the P.A. system. We settle on a family of 5 sitting silent in the crowd, THE SMITHS. The DAD digs through papers. The MOM struggles to hold her compact steady as she reapplies her lipstick. BECKY,15, is busy texting on a cellphone. BEN ,12, is equally focused on a PSP. CINDY, 4, plays with a doll.

BECKY
...Maybe the pilot drank too much egg nog too.

MOM
Thats enough out of..HICCUP

DAD
I'm sure the pilots fine. There's a blizzard outside, maybe if
you ever put that phone done you would notice things like that.

MOM puts her compact away, holds out her hand. BECKY huffs, reluctantly hands her phone.

BECKY
Great! First no Maui! Now I can't even talk to my friends!

DAD
Nobody wants to be stuck here on Chirstmas. Just try to make the best of it.

BECKY
It beats home...

CINDY
LOOK DADDY

Cindy holds out a small red satin sack. He takes it, and cautiously opens it. He pulls out a snow globe. His face goes white.
DAD
Where'd you get this Cindy?

CINDY
The man with the beard gave it to me.

She turns and POINTS. The DAD scans the crowd nearby but sees no one with a beard. Puzzled, he turns to his wife.
DAD
Honey, look....its our house....

They pass the snow globe in a circle. Everyone in the family takes a turn SHAKING the globe and watching the snow settle, each SMILING at the sight of home...even BECKY. The camera pans out to aerial view. The original sounds of the scene pick back up. We still see THE SMITHS, now GRINNING, and engaged in pleasent conversation as the camera climbs higher.

FADE OUT:
(END SCENE)

 

[Mailliw87]

Thoughts: From what I've learned one shouldn't write, for example, "We settle on a family of 5 sitting silent in the crowd". Avoid the "we" at any cost. And same goes for camera directions unless you're directing it yourself I guess.

Otherwise it was ok. I liked the Idea of them seeing their house in the snowglobe, but I felt I was left with too many questions, why did they see their house in the snowglobe, who was the old man, what was the meaning of it etc. Also for a one page short I think it ended just when something interesting actually happened.