j1clark@ucsd.edu
Veteran
I watch many shorts, even music videos, without sound, so I'll presume the cuts are approximately 'lined up' with something musical. With that in mind, though, I think you sould look at some of the 'visual rhthym', and for me some of the cuts were 'choppy'.
An example is in the car arriving sequence. Car shot, then 'wheel'???, then guy getting out of car... I'd elimiante the 'wheel' shot.... esepcially since the car motion is left to right screen, and the wheel looks like it's moving right to left...
I'd also perhaps rethink the initial sequence, where you have alternating between a 'plain' set, and the 'club scene'... Don't mind the women doing the sexy dancing, but back and forth distracts me...
On the lighting for the 'club' scene with the performer, I think he's not 'lit' well. I don't know what the studio set up was, but I'd probably think about top light, perhaps some bounce light from underneath, and some form of 'soft' light coming from 'near where the camera' is located. The harsher 'side' light lends to shadows waving over the performer. The problem is also that the performer is wearing a ball cap, and it's difficult to get under the bill of the cap.
In the car scene, the 'day' light is soft and so, one sees his eyes, and there's no distracting shadowing.
On the other hand, one can make the bar top light harsher, and make the shadows deeper, with just enough front lighting to not have deep blank black shadows... and give the viewer the impression that was the goal.
