FIrst Script: Feedback much needed

M

mavsurferguy

Member
Hey all,

Here I have the first draft of a script I hope to make in the future. SInce it is my first ever, I hope for as much feedback as possible. Please don't hold back on me if you do read this. I know that by you telling me my script can use some working, and pointing out how, it will help me alot in the future with it when I add on.

thankyou
http://www.powow.com/mavsurferguy/200503291640try resentment.htm

ps. the film is entitled "Try Resentment"
 
You've got a lot of spelling mistakes

their's should be they're's
than's should be then's
your's should be you're's

And to be honest, I don't understand what's going on... the kid wakes up late, tries out, dad calls to check up on family but is cheating on his wife... and then a delivery man who the kid knows by his first name... drops a package off at his house... when the package isn't for him, and he goes to the house to find his dead father... and then he gets a bottle of alcohol from a mystery car, and then gets beat up a kid who didn't make the cut from the play... and then he commits suicide by walking in front of a car?

You either need to expand the story, or take part of the story you have and build off of that specific area... because right now, it seems random like napoleon dynamite.

You asked for honest critiques and that's what I've got for you. However, don't feel discouraged by my comments... the fact that you're out writing is a great step in the right direction. So keep at it!
 
mavsurferguy,

I would echo most of what dj200423 says.

First, I know this might sound petty, but if you expect others to care about your work you need to do the little things to show that you care about it as well. The spelling and grammar need work. The script is filled with odd sentence structures.

As for the story, in the beginnng I thought it was all going to be a dream, because it all felt so unnatural. The scene where he gets to school late, bumps into a school administrator, is led to the auditions, and gets the lead is bizarre and surreal. Is that what you wanted it to feel like?

I would suggest you read some screenplays from other movies, to get a better sense of how they are written and structured.

Here is a web site that links to hundreds of scripts you can read online: http://www.joblo.com/moviescripts.php

Best of luck,

Chris
 
Disclaimer: I am not a professional screenwriter, so feel free to take my comments with a grain of salt. These comments are just my humble opinion, so feel free to take what you think applies and ignore the rest. :)

I agree with dj200423, the script is a little confusing. I had to read it a couple times to get my bearings and I'm still not 100% sure what is happening throughout the entire script. Also, as dj200423 and CMessineo have commented, spelling and grammar are extremely important when showing your work - even if it is just a working draft. If you don't care enough about your reader to make it "readable", why should they care enough to read or comment?

Having said all that, congratulations on having put "pen to paper", so to speak. Actually starting the process of writing is a daunting task and is to be congratulated. Don't be offended at any criticism, it is simply meant to help you improve as a writer. Now, on to the script.

After indicating a location and time in your slug line do not repeat it in your following description:

INT. JASON'S BEDROOM - DUSK

The inside of Jason's bedroom. It is a dark and gloomy
place. The sun has yet to rise.
​
Instead, tell us more about the location itself. For example:

INT. JASON'S BEDROOM - DUSK

There is a twin bed against the wall. A body, JASON'S, can
be seen twisted under the covers. He is mumbling quietly.
​
etc. etc.

Saying "Man's Voice" or "Girl's Voice" indicates that the voice is coming from somewhere within the scene directly. Either the person is in the room or the voice is coming from a radio or TV. Instead use something like

MAN (V.O.)
Alpha to charley...Alpha to
Charley. We are taking ....
​
Don't make your action description overly flowery or prose-y:

There is also a script laying face down on Jason's chest. The
cover is entitled "Hamlet". All of a sudden, Jason jumps up
from sleeping breathing heavily.
​
Shorten up the descriptions, speed up the pace of reading. For example:

A copy of the script "Hamlet" lies face down on Jason's chest. The
script falls as Jason sits up quickly, startled.
​
Remember that movies show us a story, not tell us like a book does. Make sure that what you include in your description can be shown on camera, if it can't then you need to change it so that it can be shown. For example:

He smiles as he remembers the conversation he had had with
the girl the previous day. But he is still late; caught up
in the moment of a single sentence He runs out the door...but
than comes running back in. He has forgotten his script. He
grabs it, and then ready for the day, runs out.
​
The only people that will know about this previous conversation are those who read the script. How will I know this conversation took place when I am watching the film? One good way to write a script is to imagine the film in your head and then write what you see. In this case, since the girl's voice over is never explained in the script it should either be removed or some how explained. You could show the previous conversation as a flashback, or put it earlier in the film before this scene takes place.

The first time a person's name appears in the script it should be in all caps (e.g. JASON, MS. BAKER, etc) after that their name should be in normal mixed case (e.g. Jason, Ms. Baker, etc).

Instead of "INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT / EXT. PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT" you might want to use an INTERCUT. For example:

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jason whistles as he sits on the bed studying his script.

INT. PHONE BOOTH - SAME

Mr. Osbern dials a number.

INTERCUT PHONE CONVERSATION

Jason jumps slightly as the phone rings.

JASON
Hello?

MR. OSBERN
J-man!! What's up?
​
etc. etc.

"Women" is plural, "Woman" is singular.

He looks around, exhales, then grabs the hand of a women
standing near by.
​
should be

He looks around, exhales, then grabs the hand of the
woman next to him.
​
Always use real slug lines unless you are describing a continuous scene that is changing. For example, instead of "BACK TO BEDROOM" use "INT. JASON'S BEDROOM - SAME". If want to change where the camera is looking within the same scene then you can use mini-slugs:

INT. JASON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Jason gets out of bed and walks toward the

HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

He looks toward a door, then slowly makes his way to the
other end of the hall where he looks in the

BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

It is empty.
​
etc. etc.

When writing a flashback, capitalize the word. Then at the end of the flashback include a transition back to the original scene. For example:

FLASHBACK - MR. OSBERN AND WOMAN IN BEDROOM

The couple wake up, get out of bed, and begin to get ready.

...

She leaves quickly, the door is left partially open.

END FLASHBACK
​
Instead of (NO SOUND), use (MOS)

Also, the dialog does not feel natural. Try going through the script and reading the dialog lines out loud, you may be surprised to find they don't sound right. People do not speak as formally and grammatically correct as written language. Take the prose and extra words out of your dialog.

Keep up the good work. I'm always excited to see people trying their had at writing. This shows promise, much of the problems I saw are common to first scripts. It takes a lot of practice to learn the craft, but it is worth it. I really recommend reading as many professional scripts as you can. There are many sites around the internet where you can download and read scripts. Try http://www.joblo.com/moviescripts.php or http://www.dailyscript.com.

Good luck, hope this has been helpful. And again, it is just my two cents, so take what you think applies and chuck the rest :)

Larry
 
wow, thanks for the help guys.

About Jason knowing the delivery mans name; The delivery man saw the name on the envelope, but was addressed to a different house. So he went to Jason because he knew the envelope was to his father. If it was just some random delivery man, he would have never gone up to his door to ask why it was eddressed to a different house.

And I will try to fix up the dialogue, and help the story flow better so you can understand it a bit more.

thanks again
 
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