First scene of a script I wrote once...

D

David W. Richardson

Chapelgrove Films
(For your entertainment...)

001 EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - WALKWAY - DUSK

The scene is in SLOW MOTION and BLACK AND WHITE.

KRYSTIN, a young college freshman, walks along the walkway. She
is somber, with a serious but distant look on her face.

She carries a BOOK SATCHEL slung over her shoulder.

There is no one else around. She walks alone.

KRYSTIN (V/O)
Life is a journey, not a
destination.
(beat)
I read that on a bumper sticker
once. At the time I thought it
was very honest, very profound. I
was seventeen years old at the
time and I knew all about life.

Two STUDENTS going the opposite way approach Krystin. As they
get near, one of them speaks.

STUDENT
Hi Krystin.

But Krystin gives no sign that she is even aware of their
presence. She walks on past them, not even glancing in their
direction.

The two students stop and look at her curiously for a moment,
then continue on their way.

KRYSTIN (V/O)
But life isn't a journey or a
destination. Life isn't a game.
It's not a breakfast cereal or a
bowl of cherries or a crap shoot
or even a box of chocolates.
(beat)
Life isn't anything....it's
everything. It's the ONLY thing.

Krystin slowly moves away from the lights of the college
buildings. The path is lighted, but remote.

KRYSTIN (V/O)
I wish I'd figured that out before
it was too late.
 
I don't get what this threads about.

Anyways, would it not be better to use '...' than 'beat', especially if it's in the opening. I'm only guessing but readers might see it as a red flag so early on.
 
Yes I understand that but they should be used v e r y sparingly, hence I don't think two on the first page is a good look.
 
Expanding on that...

I generally use "..." when it implies a continuation of a thought. Such as, "I enjoyed the feeling of... loneliness." Or a missing completion of a thought, like "I wonder if... Nevermind."

I use "beat" as a significant pause not related to a continuation of a thought, or the lack thereof.

But that's just me.
 
I don't see any reason for a significant pause. Feels like the script is working too hard to direct the actor. The way it's spoken should really be up to the actor and director and there'd be multiple takes to choose from later. I'll insert a lot more "beat"s and "then"s into comedic scripts, especially TV scripts, because the timing is essential to getting certain jokes.
 
It's not for the purpose of directing the actor. It's for the purpose of conveying to the reader a certain emotional content and pacing for the action in the scene.

So okay. Other than the use of "beat", what did you think?
 
David W. Richardson said:
It's not for the purpose of directing the actor. It's for the purpose of conveying to the reader a certain emotional content and pacing for the action in the scene.

So okay. Other than the use of "beat", what did you think?
Click to expand...

Just trying to help. As a reader, nothing was conveyed to me by its inclusion other than this may be an amateur script. Not saying you are. Just saying you risk that perception.

It's extremely hard to form too deep an opinion with such a short sample, but you write in a visual manner which is always half the battle.

Some quibbles that, if you learn from them, can take your writing places...

"KRYSTIN, a young college freshman, walks along the walkway. She
is somber, with a serious but distant look on her face."

Walks is a boring verb. Also, any actor would read "somber, with a serious but distant look on her face" and be like "huh"? Kill two birds here and give her an action to act. Cut the second sentence and replace "walks" with "mopes" or "meanders" or something similar. In fact, you can also cut "She carries a BOOK SATCHEL slung over her shoulder" out of there and just combine it to "KRYSTIN, a young college freshman, mopes down the hallway, BOOK SATCHEL slung over her shoulder". And if BOOK SATCHEL is capitalized, there better be something important coming up do do with that BOOK SATCHEL. Like a gun's in it or something.

The first bit of VO about "life" and "bumper stickers" seems cliche, but OK, I don't know where you're going with it, so...

The stuff about her not seeming aware of the two STUDENTS' presence is good. Actable. Shows character, etc.

I'd limit "It's not a breakfast cereal or a bowl of cherries or a crap shoot or even a box of chocolates" to three examples.

And "lighted" is a clunky word. "Lit" is what your looking for.

I dunno, it's easy to evaluate and judge another person's work. But I do think those suggestions would strengthen it.

Like I said, I'd have to read more to determine anything of real note.
 
And a note about pacing:

Yeah, it's a great thing to keep in mind, but this is the first page and nothing's really happening yet. You don't want to pace your script at the risk of beating around the bush and boring your Reader. Personally, if nothing happens by page three, I'm out. So maybe at the bottom of that page she pulls a gun out of her BOOK SATCHEL and shoots those two STUDENTS in the back of their heads, and then we cut immediately out of there. Not saying everything needs to be a car chase or a school shooting, but you can write a script to be an exciting read regardless of genre. Keep the Reader turning those pages. A lot of Readers will skim a boring script and say they read it. So keep them invested from page one.

I don't want to seem like I'm picking on you or your script. This is important to think about for any writer here.
 
Maybe put up the first five pages Dave? It's hard to take anything away from suck a small snippet.

vcassel, don't know if I'd change 'walks', it's simple and does its job. Either way is fine I guess. Maybe use 'walks, listless' then get rid of the somber line.

And this is a good thing you're doing Dave, it's so easy to read something you've written a hundred times and miss little things. If I ever finish another damn script I'm going to get notes on it from one of the done deal dudes.
 
tmnt said:
Maybe put up the first five pages Dave? It's hard to take anything away from suck a small snippet.

vcassel, don't know if I'd change 'walks', it's simple and does its job.
Click to expand...

I tend to agree with Larry Ferguson who wrote The Hunt For Red October when he said:

“There was a girl who came to me with her first screenplay. It was a good first shot. I gave her some advice. I told her, ‘I want you to go home and take a yellow Marks-A-Lot and highlight every verb in this 120-page screenplay, and then I want you to read them out loud and ask yourself, Can I find a stronger verb.’ Characters should never enter. They should storm in, they should skulk in, they should tremble in. These are the only chances you have to create visual pictures in people’s brains.”
 
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