First page of script feedback

W

wjones717

Member
Hey guys, I got a good idea and ran with it, got the courage to finally sit down and open that celtx thats been sitting untouched. Well here it is, first page of my first ever attempt at script writing. thanks tell me what you think!

EXT. ROB’S HOUSE - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING

ROB JONES 24 male, stands outside his old house fumbling his
keys to unlock the front door. Suddenly he is approached by
a distraught, unshaved DRUG ADDICT 26, who is twitching,
itching and looking for his daily dose of cocaine from Rob.

ADDICT
Dude Rob I’ve been looking
everywhere for you.

ROB
I told you I don’t have anything
for at least another week.

ADDICT
Don’t ****ing lie to me man, I need
it I can’t sleep I’m losing my
mind, I have some of my grandmas
jewelry with me-

ROB
I don’t want your grandma’s ****ing
jewelry, I told you not until next
week, now get the **** off my porch
and go clean yourself up. I will
let you know when I have it in the
mean time don’t come here again.

ADDICT
Fine you’ll see Rob. Think you can
tell me what the **** to do, I’ll
show you, you watch.

ROB
(Whispering)
Ya whatever, drugs are the last
thing he needs.


INT. ROB’S HOUSE - NIGHT

Rob opens the door and is greeted by the disgusting look of
his house. He tosses his stuff down and walks to the kitchen
running his hands through his hair.

On the kitchen table is a drug scale, and a pile of COCAINE.
Rob is then approached by RACHEL 26, his girlfriend.

RACHEL
Hey honey where have you been? you
said you’d be home an hour ago?


(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.


ROB
Hey, yea I got caught up with
things, had an errand to take care
of. That lunatic was outside again
looking.

RACHEL (O.S.)
Well if he bothers you so much why
do you still sell this ****?

ROB
(Aggravated)
Because Rachel, it gets us by
alright? puts food on the table,
we’ve been over this a million
times.

RACHEL
Well it isn’t right Rob look at
you, you don’t love this, your not
happy anymore, this **** is ****ing
you up and its affecting us.

ROB
Jesus I’m not gonna get into this,
I am perfectly fine, you have to do
what you have to do OK? You
wouldn’t know that cause your
sitting here inside all day while
I’m out freezing my ass off trying
to make something out of this-

RACHEL
Oh don’t bring me into your little
drug world OK? You wouldn’t know
have this **** I do around here-

ROB
(continuing)
Whatever I’ll be back soon.
 
the character names are appearing on the left, when there supposed to be in the center sorry it just happened like that
 
pretty dope... I've never been one for format as long the story and idea is conveyed and this you did really well.. keep me posted on how it develops, it sounds like a good start!!
Question though, what is the poo poooing about? I didn't understand that?
Just to add a realistic touch; 99% of koke dealers don't keep a scale or baggies near the product, you can get distribution charges along with possession and that as they would say is No Bueno my friend.... Dope start, I can t wait to see where you take it...
 
oh sorry the poo poo part haha its censored on the website just basically substitute it with the f-word haha thanks tho man ya ill let you know when it gets more in depth
 
Good job for a first draft. I have seen screenwriters who have written several feature scripts who can't even format the basics, such as sluglines, as you did. You have some good basics to start with. You are using the correct (present) tense, good.

Suggestions:
Be consistent with characters-- you start out with DRUG ADDICT but in the dialog you use ADDICT. Be careful of run on sentences, I spotted a few; unless it is intentional. Good dialog for first draft; with revisions, consider putting in some subtext, less what is called 'on the nose' dialog, but for a first draft you have a good dialog back and forth going. Rachel is introduced, but without any physical description; consider giving the reader something to envision her besides her age--is she attractive? disformed? sexy? anything special about her? You can safely add a bit more white space in the action paragraphs to break up paragraphs into envisioned shots--- that is the current trend, to add more white space to create a faster read. Change COCAINE to cocaine. Old style was to uppercase special props like KNIFE, COCAINE, or sounds like the RING of a telephone, but current trend is to keep that lowercase, make for a more natural and faster read by the reader (who decides whether to purchase your screenplay); characters, when first introduced, are still uppercase upon first introduction, which you did.

Good job, keep writing!

The poo poo pooing confused me, sounds like dvxuser might have automagically censored your swear words.
 
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Maybe use fricken instead of f&^king so the software will not censor it. Frustrating, in a forum topic where screenplay is discussed swear words are bound to appear in script snippets.

wjones717 said:
oh sorry the poo poo part haha its censored on the website just basically substitute it with the f-word haha thanks tho man ya ill let you know when it gets more in depth
Click to expand...
 
Ted Spencer said:
You could also use f---
Click to expand...

It is unfortunate we are so concerned over language in our society, even curse words, they are just words after all. And common in film, and thus on dvxuser.com I should imagine, at least in scripts.

I recently corresponded with a music composer for scoring a short film, and he will not be involved with scripts that use swear words. Seems that limits him for projects; his right though I guess.
 
Hey there wjones -

Another thing to consider as you're putting together a scene is to consider why the characters are in the scene at all. What are they doing there: what do they want?

A lot of times, the justification for the scene is "the audience needs to know X or Y", but audiences can sniff out those kind of "for our benefit" scenes immediately.

This first scene lays out a lot of good ideas, and seems like a setup for a big conflict between Rob and Rachel later. The thing is: the dialogue sounds like this is the major cataclysmic blowup scene, right now.

"I've told you a million times" / "You hate this and it's hurting us", that sort of thing.

Perhaps let the mood simmer a bit more first? Paint them as happy (if they are happy), and just let some of Rachel's lines suggest that she's not pleased with what he's doing, but she's tolerating it for the moment.

Either way, the fact that you're actually putting words to paper already sets you ahead of 50% of the people who call themselves writers. Best of luck on the script!
 
Thanks guys for all the feedback, i'm going to revise it, and then post the next couple of pages OR anyone can either pm me or send me an email at wjone026@odu.edu and i'll give you the next pages.

Also, If anyone can let me know the proper way to set up a flashback that would be great!

Thanks everyone

Will
 
Here is a flashback scene in my screenplay, Jenny Iseler has already been introduced moments earlier, she's at a girl's swim meet. She is having an asthma attack in the water, near the pool deck. This is how my mentor/consultant (Maggie Prescott) taught me to do flashbacks:
-----------
SARAH ISELER, 28, sees Jenny in trouble. Sarah is Jenny's mother. Attractive, slim, strawberry-blond hair kept back in a ponytail. ​
Sarah moves to the pool edge to help Jenny. But with a fearful expression, just when Jenny needs her help, Sarah suddenly backs away from the edge of the pool, afraid.

​
Flash: A LAKE. A blond GIRL, 8, struggles to stay above water as she swims towards a floating platform twenty yards out from the dock.
SARAH'S MOTHER (V.O.)
Sarah you can make it!
​
Flash: UNDERWATER. The Girl loses consciousness, then drifts to the lake bottom.​

Flash: DOCK. The Girl is on the dock, unconscious, on her back. Sarah's mother performs CPR.​

A GIRL in the pool helps push Jenny part way onto the pool deck. ​
 
Flash: DOCK. The Girl is on the dock, unconscious, on her back. Sarah's mother performs CPR.

A GIRL in the pool helps push Jenny part way onto the pool deck. ​
Click to expand...

is there a transition to show that your back in present time? or do you just start writing again without the word Flash: in front
 
The latter, as I have demonstrated. Of course I left out the slugline that preceded all this as I simply copy+pasted an excerpt from my screenplay.

A flash is such a brief shot, the return to present time in the subsequent paragraph without 'Flash:' communicates that. But it is all about giving a clear and fast read for the reader, so if you need more clarification you could do so.

If you need an extended passage of time, you could use

SUPER: Ten Years Ago

(then your scenes, dialog, sluglines here, etc,)

SUPER: Present Day


wjones717 said:
is there a transition to show that your back in present time? or do you just start writing again without the word Flash: in front
Click to expand...
 
The dialogue is fairly good, although I can't see any person REALLY whispering to themselves that "drugs are the last thing he needs." Seems like unnecessary dialogue anyway.

But this script contains one of my biggest pet peeves.

INT. ROB'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Unless the WHOLE HOUSE is one single room, then this isn't descriptive enough. Did he enter the living room? The den? Foyer? Mud room?

Also, there's no scene break moving the action into the kitchen. Did he enter the house straight into the kitchen? Or did he go there from another room?

At the very least, it should be....

INT. ROB'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Or....

INT. ROB'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

...and then a completely different scene when he goes into the kitchen...

INT. ROB'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Good luck!
 
David, it is actually more accepted now to shorten the sluglines to make for a faster read like this:

INT. HOUSE - ENTRYWAY - NIGHT

Rob enters, blahbah blaah

KITCHEN

Rob walks to the sink, blah blah blah

BEDROOM

blah blah blah

Unless the time changes, notice the use of just KITCHEN or BEDROOM to eliminate repetitive unnecessary use of INT. and the time.
 
Randall_Oelerich said:
David, it is actually more accepted now to shorten the sluglines to make for a faster read like this:

INT. HOUSE - ENTRYWAY - NIGHT

Rob enters, blahbah blaah

KITCHEN

Rob walks to the sink, blah blah blah

BEDROOM

blah blah blah

Unless the time changes, notice the use of just KITCHEN or BEDROOM to eliminate repetitive unnecessary use of INT. and the time.
Click to expand...

Thanks Randall. The point still stands, though. But good to know.
 
hi just one thing. For the first draft you have done great. Believe it or not most screenplays are based on just two characters. The hero and the bonding characters. Its there relationship that we are interested in. So when starting to write a screenplay. Think about the story between the two characters. Also make the hero and bonding characters as different has possible. Read a few film scripts. Read a few more. You will soon discover you are only interested in the story between the two main characters. I hope this information saves you a little time. Best of look with your screenplay.
 
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