First act of new script
- Thread starter alveraz
- Start date
Not enough happens in 25 pages. Manolo is strange, his father is worrying about him, and he's running away with Telly. That is essentially what has happened so far in your script.
Manolo becomes friends with Telly much too easily, and she reacts too well to his superhero incident at school. At first I thought that that was going to be in Manolo's imagination, but everything following that in the script suggests that it was real.
Manolo needs to make an effort to be friends with Telly, instead of them sitting together and he just saying "I don't have any friends." You did a smart thing by having Telly smile and call him "weird," as that disarms the audience to the absurdity of their preceding interaction, but it is not enough to support their relationship for the rest of the script.
Ben opens up about Manolo's past way too early in the script. Similar to Manolo and Telly, Ben becomes friends with Henry too easily. He's new at work, Henry asks him if he wants to go treasure hunting, and all of a sudden he's opening up to this complete stranger about how strange his son is.
Your scenes need to be more succinct, especially the ones between Henry and Ben. You are trying to reveal too much exposition at once. The scenes end up feeling bloated. The characters' confessions end up feeling soft.
I really think you need to save the mother's suicide for later. That is the main reason for Manolo being the way he is. It is the main piece to the puzzle that is Manolo. He should be strange at the beginning, and the audience will be wondering why he is like that.
If a piece of exposition is truly necessary to the story, you want to put it off as long as possible. That will ensure that the audience is engaged in the story for as long as possible.
Manolo becomes friends with Telly much too easily, and she reacts too well to his superhero incident at school. At first I thought that that was going to be in Manolo's imagination, but everything following that in the script suggests that it was real.
Manolo needs to make an effort to be friends with Telly, instead of them sitting together and he just saying "I don't have any friends." You did a smart thing by having Telly smile and call him "weird," as that disarms the audience to the absurdity of their preceding interaction, but it is not enough to support their relationship for the rest of the script.
Ben opens up about Manolo's past way too early in the script. Similar to Manolo and Telly, Ben becomes friends with Henry too easily. He's new at work, Henry asks him if he wants to go treasure hunting, and all of a sudden he's opening up to this complete stranger about how strange his son is.
Your scenes need to be more succinct, especially the ones between Henry and Ben. You are trying to reveal too much exposition at once. The scenes end up feeling bloated. The characters' confessions end up feeling soft.
I really think you need to save the mother's suicide for later. That is the main reason for Manolo being the way he is. It is the main piece to the puzzle that is Manolo. He should be strange at the beginning, and the audience will be wondering why he is like that.
If a piece of exposition is truly necessary to the story, you want to put it off as long as possible. That will ensure that the audience is engaged in the story for as long as possible.
Thanks a lot for the notes, very thought out. The interesting part is, though I completely appreciate the notes, I couldn't disagree more. But I will definitely digest these notes a little longer and look over the bullet points again.
I found the immediacy of the relationships to work nicely and the exposition to be balanced and on pace with the structure and 'fantasy' elements of the piece. And the suicide is perfect where it is I think.
Not quite the notes I was expecting, but very, very appreciated.
Thanks again, very kind of you
I found the immediacy of the relationships to work nicely and the exposition to be balanced and on pace with the structure and 'fantasy' elements of the piece. And the suicide is perfect where it is I think.
Not quite the notes I was expecting, but very, very appreciated.
Thanks again, very kind of you